Saturday, August 23, 2008

Where it all began

People have asked me how I was introduced to the world of BDSM and I usually give the vague reply of "an old boyfriend introduced me to it but that turned out bad." I realize that by sharing my experience I may help someone else get out of a similar situation before it gets as bad as mine did or even worse.

Older boys always held a fascination for me. I didn’t like the boys my age they seemed stupid and mindless. I think what I was attracted to was that older boys felt they knew everything and expected you to bow to their will. There was something appealing about that. I wish I had had a name for what it was I was looking for back then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten myself in so much trouble. It was the old story, boy meets girl, girl falls for boy and wants to please him, boy turns out to be crazy.

Its always interesting learning about how other people wandered into this life. For so many it seems it’s a conscious choice, they decide to seek it out, they bring different elements of it into the bedroom and it blossoms from there. I can’t even say for sure how it happened to me. I thought I was dating this great guy and it was a very vanilla relationship but somewhere along the way something shifted. It was a gradual process and I went along with it. There was no discussion about what we were doing; there was no name for it in my vocabulary. It started out subtle; he started telling me what to wear, he would feed me, sex got a little kinkier, blindfolds, mild bondage, a little slap on the ass here and there and without even realizing it on my part he began training me to come on command.

I lost most of my friends out of simple neglect. I didn’t have time for them; he always had something planned that they weren’t invited to. We started meeting other people whose relationships were similar to ours. So to me it seemed normal and I didn’t understand why so many of my old friends thought our relationship was weird. I just figured that our relationship was different because he was older than me. I took his dominance of me as a sign of wanting to take care of me, boy was I was really off on that one.

I was his property; I had no say in anything by the end, which may have been fine if he had cared about his property at all. He would feed me, dress me, tell me what I could and couldn’t do, and with the exception of school I was to be available to him at all times. If I displeased him (which was often) I would be flogged, slapped, kicked and/or forced to sleep on the floor chained to the leg of the bed usually while he had sex with someone else. To a hormonal teenager who thought she was in love this was the ultimate pain.

I was only 16 when we met and 19 when I left, he was in his 20's. He had my self esteem wound around his finger and made me so dependent on him I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I would do anything and put up with anything. He loved to share me with others, humiliate me in public, both verbally and physically, and one of his favorite games was to sneak up on me and choke me until I passed out just to watch me struggle and when I came to he would do it again. We had no safe words, there were no vanilla moments this was life 24/7.

Maybe this doesn’t seem so extreme to some people but I’ve come to realize the difference between what I want/have now with Master and what I didn’t have then. I did not knowingly enter into that relationship, I didn’t find any sense of fulfillment or freedom in my slavery, all I felt was despair, a desperate need to please and a fear of what would happen if I didn’t. I was like a drug addict and he was my fix, leaving was one of the hardest and most empowering things I have ever done. I needed the help of friends to get through it. It was actually another Dom who packed my stuff, removed me from the situation, set me on a path of healing and kept me from crawling back. I will always be indebted to him. He saved my life.

I realize now that this was not M/s this was abuse, but the seeds of the M/s relationship were planted and though I used to struggle with my desires thinking I would somehow wind up where I was before, now I embrace these desires and know that I can have this in a healthy way. Master has shown me that. It took a long time and it was hard to wander back into this world, but I’m a different person now than I was back then and I’m happy I did. A collar doesn’t have to mean fear; it can mean freedom as well.


4 comments:

Charli said...

Thank you for sharing your story; I am sorry that your introduction started out badly but you ended up in a good place and at least found out early on in your life what it was you needed to be whole.
*hug*

Benedict Smith said...

wow. it's always interesting to see past the present, to see deeper into what may/may not be the seeds of the current. thank you.

Masters slave said...

Its not a chapter in my life I speak about much, as I said I usually gloss over it but I felt I needed to put it out there.

Thanks for reading!

badmamajaama said...

I just started reading your blog and I started at the beginning. I'm brand new to this world and I'm about to try out being a slave on Saturday with a guy I've dated before. We're going to work towards a completely M/s relationship. I'm so excited and your blog is really inspiring me about it. I'm so glad you're not in an abusive relationship anymore and that your Master is so good to you. Thanks for writing this, you have no idea how happy it makes me to read it.