I realize now how much I count on those feelings; I’ve never met someone who I haven’t been able to fully read until now and I’m really struggling with it. I know the word struggle has so many negatives attached to it and I don’t really mean it in a negative sense, there are negative aspects to it but its more of a frustration.
I find that sometimes when I’m with Master I feel as if I put on a wet suit, with a blindfold and gloves. One minute I can sense him, feel him, he’s right there and the next thing I know it’s like he entered the Bermuda Triangle and completely blipped off my radar. It feels like a door gets slammed shut, its actually quite abrupt and strange, and its then that I struggle. It’s like someone cut off one of my senses and I’m trying to maneuver in the dark. I don't mean to suggest that he pulls away at these times or even that he isn't still following whatever conversation we are having, thats what makes it so difficult. It's just random.
In my head I try to figure out what happened, what changed. I get in my head, insecurities pop up and I feel lost. I’ve mentioned this shift to Master a few times hoping to gather some insight into it and I’m not sure he is even aware he does it. I don’t know where he goes or what he is thinking about, it could be related to his work, an idea that popped into his head that he is trying to follow, or something else all together but I really don’t have a clue and that’s what is so frustrating. (I realize that by sharing this I am exposing myself as a slave with a control issue, two things you don’t usually find together but I am who I am). I know I need to bring this up to him but I’m emotionally challenged when it comes to sharing my feelings. For some reason I’d rather struggle and beat myself up instead of just opening up and asking. Crazy I know but to be honest I don't know if he would have an answer since he is just as baffled when I ask him where he went as I am when it happens.
Its funny, sensory deprivation (blindfolds, being bound etc) is one of many things that I find highly enjoyable in the bedroom all the other senses are heightened and it is extremely arousing but outside the bedroom I find it debilitating and frustrating. Maybe it’s because all my other senses are on alert and I still feel like I can’t function. It’s a comfort thing. I guess this is what it would feel like if you suddenly went blind or lost a hand or something. Its been a struggle to figure out what has been bothering me but now that I see what it is hopefully I can start to move through it.
I guess you could say that this is a test for me in the ultimate surrender. I just have to trust and move blindly forward. Well let’s face it not completely blind I still have the ability to talk about things with Master and given that opening up is hard for me this forces me to break out of my unhealthy patterns. To a certain degree I trust that if something is bothering Master he will tell me. I can’t say I am totally certain of this because that’s the way healthy relationships work and I’ve never experience that with anyone, which is what allows those pesky insecurities to pop up.
It’s all a learning experience and healthy relationships have never been my strength. I will say that being with Master despite this glitch in my radar, sharing with Master and trusting Master have never come so easily to me. It might only take me a day or so now instead of a month or more to bring something up that is bother me or to express myself and that to me is extraordinary. I know some may think that I shouldn’t hold back at all and they are right, but baby steps people, it’s taken me a long time to build these walls they don’t crumble down in a day.
Not having the safety net of this extra sense that I rely on is difficult but it is allowing me to step out of my comfort zone; ask questions even if I’m not sure I will like the answers, and biggest of all realizing that my insecurities are mine and really have nothing to do with him; they are about past hurt that has nothing to do with the present. They still suck but it’s getting easier to push them aside as junk or talk about them and get them out in the open. I can’t say I don’t like some reassurance every now and then but I know in order to be in a truly healthy relationship and feel secure I can’t “need” reassurance. Enjoying it when its given is one thing but to "need" it is unhealthy. I don’t know if that makes any sense but its how I feel.
Maybe there really isn't anything to talk about with Master anymore, it seems I may have worked it out just by writing this. I will share it with him though, its good to share where my head is it helps to build intimacy and trust. I will probably still struggle when I feel Master blip off my radar but I am learning that he does show back up and I have faith that he will continue to do so.