Leaving Masters side can be added to the list of tasks that are challenging for me. I know that I will return, and that it won’t be long before I see him again but it’s hard to leave the comfort and strength of his presence. It isn’t about sex, well its not only about sex, the sex is fabulous but I’m talking more about an emotional thing. I find that when I’m with Master my two halves mesh and become one; the executive, fearless and in control and the submissive slut who wants nothing more than to please.
It’s actually a little terrifying to feel that free. I’m not good with trust and opening up to people, not that I believe many people are. I think we all have our shit. So feeling everything balance out is scary for me, and then my insecurities pop up because in my warped head nothing can feel this easy.
I wish I could say that I don’t hold back emotionally at all when I’m with Master but it wouldn’t be the truth. Compartmentalizing my emotions is second nature, although it does get harder to hold back. He owns my body, he sees into my soul and he is chipping away at pieces that I thought would never see light again. I find things spilling out whether here, in e-mails or spoken that are hard for me to look at or express. They leave me feeling embarrassed, relieved, wanton, worried, terrified and free all at the same time. Reading this I’m surprised I don’t run as fast as I can in the other direction. Instead I feel compelled not only to stay but to offer myself to him in submission.
There is something about my relationship with Master that allows me to strive to be more whole, more authentic, not for him, although it ultimately does benefit him, but for me. As I feel more whole I have more to give because I’m more secure and there isn’t as much emotional garbage in my way. I know that when we are apart he is still there for me and only a phone call away so it shouldn’t be difficult to leave but it still is, but that’s just more of my shit coming up.
Well, at least some of it is, trust issues with men pop up continually through my past so its not surprising they would surface in my relationship with Master, but at least I know that and see it for what it is, acknowledge it and move forward, as to the rest, well I can’t say it wouldn’t be nice after a long hard day to be able to feel his hand tightly wound in my hair pushing my head in his lap and telling me to “get to work”, or just curling up in his arms with a collar around my neck after a good spanking to watch TV or read.