I'm not big on resolutions, I feel like they are usually unreasonable promises that we make to ourselves and/or others that only last about a month before we realize that we tried to tackle an almost impossible feat.
But I will break down and make one this year....well sort of since this is really my wish for every year. I strive every year to be a more enlightened, tolerant, happy person than I was the year before. This is a big task but there is no promise to do this that or the other in order to prove that I've done it. The only measure is my own, and since I feel that we can always take the opportunity to improve ourselves this is something I feel I can accomplish.
I wish everyone a happy, safe and wonderful 2009. May good things come your way, and if they don't may you handle them with grace and know that you are not alone.
There is always some big debate raging by people in the bdsm world about being 24/7 in this life and those who find that this is impossible and just a really fake designation because no one can be 24/7. I don't mind the debates, I actually find some of the points on both sides fascinating but what I hate to see is the venom and anger that spews from these discussions. What happened to people being able to express their opinions? Why people can't seem to be civil and not take things so personally I can't figure out. I know there are people out there who thrive on drama and need it as part of their lives but geez, is it so difficult to discuss things in an adult fashion?
I have learned over the years not to make statements on public bulletin boards directed at a particular person and to always make comments and statements from my perspective and about my experience. My comments still get taken out of context and people have thought I'm directing negative comments at the way they live. I guess this is all part of human nature, this need to be right or maybe its learned behavior where some people feel they are always being put down and criticized and they can't see that just because someone doesn't agree with you they aren't necessarily against you either. They remain in this fight mode feeling the need to constantly prove a point.
You can see some of this more clearly in the more hot button issues of abortion and gay marriage. Oh there are those who blatantly are against these issues but then there are those who don't agree with them for themselves but really feel that we shouldn't create laws against them. I am not going to express my personal opinion on either of these issues I don't want to get into a debate about that...that's material for a different blog, this one is about my M/s relationship and bdsm so back to the 24/7 debate but those issues give really good examples of what I am talking about. People on both sides are often very adamant about their beliefs often to the point of thinking someone is always against their point of view if they aren't 100% in agreement.
I would never state that my relationship was 24/7 since Master and I don't live together but I do find some credence to this whole 24/7 thing. I know that everyone has things in their life that are outside the bounds of their bdsm relationship, parenting, work (as long as it isn't in a fetish shop), grocery shopping, etc.... these are the aspects of every day life that people use to argue the 24/7 designation. I totally understand that people aren't walking around tied up with gags in their mouths at school conferences. There is a vanilla aspect to everyones life, there has to be unless you live in a bdsm bubble where you never have to interact with anyone outside of the scope of this community.
But here is the catch, for me I have a set of rules that Master has given me. Ways in which I need to keep myself, ways to address him in e-mails etc. In my head I am his slave, this doesn't change when I go to work and I'm the boss. When I hear his voice I (usually) am brought back to this reality.
So do I consider my slavery 24/7? In some ways I believe it is, for me its not just about the ropes, whips, etc to me its a mindset. Master and I still go out and have fun, go to the movies, or out to dinner, run errands etc, like vanilla couples but if I slip up and utter a curse or say something he finds disrespectful, it doesn't matter where we are I will know I screwed up, a look, a tight grasp of my wrist and I remember who I belong to. Even if we are just speaking on the phone there is a tone to his voice when I overstep that sends a shiver through my body and in my head I am quickly on my knees at his feet. In my mind I am owned and Master holds the keys to my collar, a collar that may be invisible to most but to me its there all the time.
While visions of sugar plums were not high on the list of fantasies dancing in my head over Christmas, visions of being bent over and disciplined were. I posted my Christmas wish here because I get shy about asking for things like this in person. (Its a bad habit that we are trying to break but I am still struggling with it.) Luckily Master agreed that it had been too long since his friendly crop had come to play and gave me a post Christmas surprise.
We spent a delightfully low key day together, running a few errands etc, but most of it was spent at his home. For the most part when we are in private I am kept naked although occasionally a pretty pair of panties will be allowed. Master likes to keep me accessible to his whim and I am happy to comply.
At some point during the day while happily worshiping his cock I heard a familiar whistle through the air but couldn't place it fast enough before the sharp sting that followed bit the right cheek of my ass. I gasped (which is hard to do with your mouth full) and then groaned with desire as the crop struck again. I was close to weeping from happiness as he continued his torment, but held back, I didn't want to distract him with my tears.
Being the little slut that I am, I repositioned myself so that I could continue my oral duty and Master had a better line of attack upon my ass, (I wouldn't want it to be inconvenient or uncomfortable for him to discipline me). Master apparently appreciated my position change because I heard the words that make my heart sing when I am in service "Good girl, such a good little slave aren't you?" I'm sure I wiggled in response, my arousal growing. Between the burning heat from his blows and the cock filling my mouth I was in heaven and at that point I couldn't imagine how the day could get any better. That is until he decided to use me as a cock ornament.
I slid down his length, my back to him so that he could continue to redden my ass, while he was buried inside me. My torment grew as I felt him filling me. Impaled on Masters cock, feeling him deep inside me while the crop snapped and bit at my backside was blissful torture. Occasionally Master would run an ice cold glass over my heated flesh making me squirm and cry out from the contrasting sensations. I could barely contain my emotions at this point, reduced to a shivering primal animal. I moaned, tears barely held in check, as I held back the orgasm that kept trying to escape. After what seemed like an eternity Master did allowed me to come several times leaving me quivering, bruised, sore, barely able to think and blissfully happy.
For the remainder of the day I continued to feel the heated tingle of the discipline I had received. It was a delicious reminder of my slavery and continues to be today, and if the bruises are any indication, will be for at least a few more days!
I hope everyone else had their wishes come true, I wonder if New Years has a similar magic to it?
I encountered a discussion the other day about what subs or slaves call their Owners/Doms/Masters/Daddys etc..in public or around family and friends. Most seem to call them by their given names, some avoid it, and some just continue to use Sir or Master. I was completely caught up in this discussion, it fascinates me what other people do. One person brought up that names hold power, that when you hear your name even if it isn't directed toward you, you answer or at the very least turn toward it, I never really thought about that but it's true...well I don't have a very common name so for me when I hear it I'm fascinated to see who might have it too. I guess if you have a more common name like David, Joe, Michael etc.. it might not hold as much sway over you but I honestly wouldn't know.
It made me realize that in the many years (somewhere around 7 or 8 maybe more, I have a hard time pinning down the exact year we met) I have known Master I have never used his name in his presence. I have used it in situations like checking into a hotel where the reservation is under his name or things like that but not if he is with me. It always feels so awkward and strange, it doesn't just roll off my tongue, I often stumble over it. I actually get shy using it and it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel disrespectful saying it. I know it's not disrespectful if he says its okay to use it in certain situations but I just have such a hard time with it.
If I need to address him in public I will use an endearment or get his attention by touch before I would use his name, even if that means I have go out of my way to get his attention I will do it. I don't even have him programmed in my phone with his given name, I use his initials. I am okay using his initials. I know its strange that I feel more comfortable calling Master by his initials than his name but I can't help it.
This is totally my hang up. Master has no problem with me using his name in certain situations, in fact he wants me to and I can't. (hold that thought until you read the next sentence) I know it is even more disrespectful not to adhere to his wishes but I just can't seem to do it. I think if I needed to, if I couldn't get his attention any other way I would use his name, but I would try everything I could to avoid it. When speaking to other people I play the pronoun game or find other creative ways to avoid using his name. I've gotten quite skilled at it so far.
Its funny I wonder, at this point if he would even answer if I used his name. He might not even realize I am speaking to him! I'm sure it would sound just as funny to him coming from my mouth as it does to me. So for now I will continue to be creative and keep my fingers crossed that I can avoid situations where using his name to speak to him would be inevitable.
If you are wondering what Master calls me, he uses my name for the most part, often with slave in front of it or sometimes just slave, or slut, it really depends on the situation. My name doesn't shorten to a nickname or anything like that. I've heard that some slaves have special names that their Masters call them, slave names I think they refer to them as, but we have never done this. I know I would have a hard time answering to it a different name. I have a hard enough time answering to my own name! Half the time it takes me a few moment to process that Master is even speaking to me. I'm either lost in thought, half listening or just plain can't hear him (I've got some mild hearing loss due to being stupid when I was a teenager). I can't imagine the struggle to answer to a different name.
Happy Merry Chrismahanukwanzica! (for those baffled by this its a mix of Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanza- forgive me those of you who celebrate the solstice I couldn't fit it in there, but I wish you happiness as well.)
May you receive what you wished for. May you spread some holiday cheer. May your kinky hopes, dreams and wishes come true.
(special thanks to my fetlife friend Poison-baby for the lovely pic)
PS....Please don't forget those less fortunate than you this time of year (and I don't mean the auto industry or the banks.)
I miss my friend. I haven't seen my friend for quite some time. Loving yet harsh, I always anticipate our next meeting. I have a love hate relationship with my friend.
I love the way my friend makes my heart beat faster. I love the way my skin tingles in anticipation of my friends touch. I feel a flush of heat between my legs whenever my friend comes to play.
My friend can also be cruel. Sometimes leaving harsh marks upon my body. Occasionally, my friends touch reduces me to tears of joy, of pain, of excitement. Despite this I am happy when my friend is around.
Some will wonder why we are friends and this I can not explain. I think the friendship grew on me. I didn't like my friend at all when we first met but I have come to understand and appreciate the different aspects my friend brings to my life.
Many may wonder how Master feels when my friend is around. I think he appreciates my friend as much as I do. He watches the different emotions as they flit across my face when my friend comes to play. And he loves the way my friend makes me gasp, moan, flinch and scream.
My Christmas wish is that Master will allow my friend to come play again. I will beg if I need to, down on my knees. Please Master, please it's been a long time, bring the crop out of hiding, I miss it so much. The bite and the sting of my friend striking my flesh, I crave it, I need it, I yearn for its touch. I hope Christmas dreams do come true and my friend will come visit very soon.
I don't know what it is about the end of the year that always makes me want to look back. But I've been thinking about how I met Master and how we got to where we are.
There were always aspects of bdsm that attracted me even after I escaped from the hell of a M/s relationship gone bad. ( where it all began ) Even though I was leery of these desires I would find myself seeking aspects of it in my vanilla world. I would find a partner with a little kink in them, someone willing to spank me (just not as hard or as long as I wanted) or pull my hair (again not as hard as I would like) or even tie me up, but much as I didn't want to admit it to myself I think that my early experience gave me a taste for something harder. After these experiences I was often left unfulfilled and upset, thinking that it was the kink that was the problem when the real problem was that it wasn't kinky enough. I needed more.
I began writing, hoping that I could fulfill this inexplicable need I had burning inside me. I started expressing my kinkier side in words instead of deeds. The tight bondage, the whippings, the more aggressive sex, the choking, restraint, the rules etc...unfortunately the more I wrote about it the more I wanted it, needed it. Of course this was the time of the big internet boom, when chat rooms were something new and exciting and kink bulletin boards and news feeds were just starting to become popular. I found a whole new world at my fingertips. My writing had found an audience and among them were a few people that I would consider mentors, guiding me through a sea of information. They looked out for me, talked to me and helped me to discover that a M/s relationship did not have to be the way it had been for me. I was still nervous but I felt I was ready to wade back into the pool. I started chatting and meeting people online but never took it further than cyberspace. In fact I had never consented to even call any Doms/Masters in person until I met Master.
There was something about him that intrigued me. I'm not sure what it was, I can't remember but whatever it was, is still there. It may have been the mix of intelligence and strictness. There was just more to him than just the kink. We could have conversations about all kinds of things. And there was nothing wishy-washy about him. Other Doms/Master even in e-mail would flip-flop on different issues, they didn't have specific rules, they sort of made them up as they went often bowing to my decisions or objections. Master seemed to know what he expected and wanted in a sub/slave and demanded it, he would listen if I objected, think about it and it didn't always turn out the way I wanted. I hated, respected and craved that discipline.
I remember our first meeting, I was so nervous, wondering what I had agreed to. I mean smart people didn't agree to meet strangers they met on the internet who wanted to tie them up did they? I had heard the horror stories of internet meetings gone bad (this was before internet dating was popular so meeting people online was considered taboo). We had been talking on the phone for a while and something told me that things would be okay, so I went with it but I was still nervous. What if he turned out to be a total wack job?
Luckily he wasn't, and that first meeting brought emotions out in me that I thought had been buried for good. When I went home that night I laid in bed and cried. Tears of relief, fear, joy and hope. Relief that I had taken steps to fulfilled needs that had been building in me so long and realizing that they didn't have to be scary. Fear that things would turn out like before. Joy that I had let my submissive side out of its cage in my soul and received amazing rewards. Hope that I could embrace my submissive side in a healthier way and not run from it.
Unfortunately the fear overwhelmed me and I locked my inner submissive away again after a few more meetings. I found it too difficult to embrace this part of myself that yearned for things others considered abnormal. I knew the devastation when a relationship like this went wrong and I didn't want to go back there. I didn't trust myself. I had a bad track record when it came to relationships and I just figured there had to be something I was missing in this one.
Master was understanding and we kept in touch checking in with each other every so often, catching up on each others lives. I think the bond that I had felt when we had first met grew stronger for me during this off period. I still maintained his rules of how to keep myself, I continued to address him as Sir, maintaining my submission to him. It was as if I knew that one day I would be on my knees serving him again in a more physical way. If I am really honest I would have to say that from our first meeting he had captured a piece of my soul and despite not being together I was never really free. There was just something about him that spoke to me. I can't pinpoint it, but thats the only explanation I have for the bond I felt toward him.
I have talked to other Doms/Masters over the years never with an interest in meeting, and referring to them as Sir always felt false and strained. It never sounded right coming off my tongue and I knew that I wouldn't maintain contact with these people. A few people wanted me to call them Master, which never felt right either (I'm not sure why people think they deserve this title from the very beginning) and I would "forget" or call them something else. I think subconciously I knew I already had a Master, an Owner, and these other people were all make believe, a sort of online fantasy role play that helped me explore and understand that the submissive side of myself wasn't "wrong".
Why didn't I just explore these things with Master you wonder. I think it was because of our connection. I think I knew that once I opened that door that it would be hard to close again and as much as I wanted it opened it still scared me. It was easier to be superficial than it was to give in to real emotion. I read blogs, bulletin boards, and occasionally wandered into a bdsm chat but despite it helping me get to know my inner submissive it never really fulfilled me. It did however show me that not all M/s relationships were abusive. I'm sure this helped me to reach a place in my life where I felt comfortable opening that cage door a little wider, which is when I agreed to meet with Master again. I asked him recently if he knew we would see each other again and I don't remember his exact words but it was something along the line of it being inevitable and I would have to agree.
Our reunion was so comfortable it didn't feel strained or awkward. It was like being wrapped in a comfortable old sweatshirt, it just felt so right. Our first intimate interaction upon meeting again was just as powerful as the first time. I still didn't like being on display, and was a little self-conscious because it had been several years and lets face it I don't have the same body I did back then, but it felt natural and right to offer myself to him. His collar may not have physically been around my neck during our separation but it had been there in spirit tethering me to him.
I have no regrets about reopening the door to my submissive side and have found such comfort, joy and growth from my relationship with Master. I don't see my submission as something that holds me back or stifles me, in fact there is an empowerment in it that I just can't describe. I will be forever thankful to Master for taking this journey with me.
We stared out at the empty beach enjoying the peaceful quiet of the morning. The wind pushed the sand making it dance and swirl, the waves crashed upon the shore leaving little trails of foam as the tide washed out. I watched this silent movie from high above, through the window of the hotel room as I lay in bed the covers pulled up to my chin. Master had his body pressed against my back, his arm draped over my waist, his fingers lightly tracing small circles across my belly, my hips, my breasts. I sighed and wiggled closer to him feeling his hardness press against me, a small moan escaped my lips.
Time seemed to stand still as we lay there. Masters hands continued sending little shivers of pleasure down my body, teasing me. Soon the water didn’t really matter, the calmness of the scenery overshadowed by the burning demand to move, to touch, to taste. Master kept me where I was not allowing me to turn or touch him. The ache between my legs grew, but I knew I was at his mercy.
Through my desire filled haze I felt him shift, “Put this in your mouth.” He said his hand twisting in my hair, pulling me around and forcing my head downward. I groaned in happiness and smiled eagerly before opening my mouth to service him.
I stuck out my tongue and licked around the tip of his cock, I was in ecstasy, I had been waiting for this, to taste him, to touch him. Slowly I wrapped my lips around him sliding down his length while my tongue danced around until I could feel him in the back of my throat. His grip on my hair tightened and he held me there, his cock filling my mouth. I moaned and wriggled, soon I felt a tug on my hair as he allowed me movement as he guided my head up and down.
I shifted position so my body straddled his leg, my breasts grazing his thigh, my nipples tightening as they rubbed against the coarse hair on his leg. His movements became more and more forceful. I tried not to gag as he moved deeper and deeper in my throat, saliva pooling in the corners of my lips because I couldn’t swallow fast enough.
It frightened and excited me when he was forceful and rough. I loved the feeling of total helplessness, of being at his mercy, of knowing that he was stronger and I had little choice but to obey. Occasionally my instincts would kick in and I would try to fight back, if he pushed to deeply in my mouth gagging me, I would feel my head try to pull back, my hands would try and push me away but it never really worked. Then I would bring myself back, remembering who was using me this way, and I would calm down relaxing into the sensations. Somehow Master always seemed to know when I surrendered, letting go of my fears, it was like he would wait until that point before he would unbalance me by exerting his dominance in a new would.
“Get on your knees, head down and face the window” He said forcefully pushing me away.
My brain took a few moments to shift gears but I made my way up to my knees, bending forward my ass presented to him for whatever he had planned. My head was turned to the side, as I waiting in anticipation of what came next. I felt him move behind me, sliding his hands over and across my ass a few times making me squirm and then a sharp crack as his hand came down making me jump and turn my head to bury my face in the blankets. My mind started to wander as I thought about what people might see if our room had been lower, or if it had been nighttime, the lights on and the shades open. I shivered with a mix of excitement and fear. He gave me a few more hard spanks bringing me back from my thoughts to the present. I could feel the heat from where his hand had landed, my skin felt swollen and tender.
“Your ass is getting nice and red. Do you have anything to say about that?”
“No Sir, That’s the way you like it.”
His hand came down again, making me wince and groan. “Do you let just anyone spank you?”
He landed another strike, making me whimper. “Aren’t you a grown woman, an executive? Aren’t you in charge?”
“Yes Sir.” I braced myself expecting another strike but it didn't come.
“Then why is this happening? Why do you let me spank you?” He asked.
I relaxed, thinking the spanking was over. “Because you own me Sir, I……” I choked on my words as another blow landed sharply across my ass unsettling me once again. I whimpered and tried again, “I, I am your property, and you can do what you want.” I said slowly.
“That’s right.” He said and I felt his hands grip my hips tightly and the pressure of his cock against me as he buried himself deeply inside me. I cried out loving the full feeling of him impaling me.
He pulled back until he was just barely inside me.
I whimpered and wriggled trying to push him back deeper inside me but he held me fast.
“What’s wrong?” He asked.
“I want you deeper; I love the way you feel when you’re buried deep inside me,” I whined. “please Sir, please……"
I felt the air move but my brain didn’t register what was happening before I felt another sharp sting on my ass, this one much harder than the last. I cried out, tears involuntarily forming in the corners of my eyes.
“Is that the proper way to address me when I am inside you?” He barked.
“No, Sss…Master.” I whispered.
“That’s better, don’t forget your manners. Now continue what you were saying.”
“I….I …please Master, I want to feel you deep inside me.” I begged.
“It’s not really about what you want.” He said as he slowly pushed only the tip of his cock in and out of me, tormenting me.
“No, Ss…Master, I am at your service, whatever you desire, this body is yours.” I answered, hoping that my answers would produce the results my body wanted, needed, craved.
I felt his hands on my hips tighten and I cried out in happiness, pleasure and frustration as he began roughly thrusting in and out of me. My tears flowed freely now, my emotions overwhelmed by the sensations flowing through my body. One of his hands slid down to my mid back forcibly keeping me from raising my upper body, bending me even further in half.
My back ached, and with every thrust there was pain mixed with pleasure from him driving into me so deep and so hard. It felt good to be so roughly used, I felt joy, and happiness, pleasure and pain but most of all surrender. I was his, I belong to him, my body responded to his hands, I was his instrument to play when he desired.
The pressure was building in my body, I held it back as best I could, but my control was starting to slip. I wasn’t sure if he was going to allow me to come but soon that option may be out of either one of our control as I felt my will over my body begin to fail.
Master must have sensed what was happening, and slowed his movement just enough for me to get a handle on my control. I was becoming delirious, primal instincts taking over, as I moved my body in ways I knew would please him. I heard his sounds of approval as I reached back to feel him as he slid in and out of me.
“Come for me slave.” He said and grabbed a fistful of my hair pulling my head back as he increased his movements once again. I had been waiting for those words, “Thank you Master” I cried out. I had been hoping I would hear those words soon and my body shivered and exploded with the first tug of my hair. I screamed and bucked, never wanting it to end. I felt his body tense, his cock thicken, and his body shudder as he spilled into me. We collapsed together on the bed, panting, and spent.
I whimpered when he pulled out, and he chuckled, knowing that I hated that part more than anything, hated the separation that would leave me feeling empty. After we cleaned up he pulled me back into his arms and we resumed watching the waves down below and he resumed running his hands and fingers across my belly, and hips.
He leaned close to my ear and whispered “You’re a good slave, I’m glad I own you.”
I snuggled back into his warmth a smile on my lips. My body was sated and my mind was content. I am owned I thought and the pleasure of those three little words resonated inside me making me happy, content and a little scared, but I pushed the fear away for another day and with Masters warmth at my back, wrapped in the security of my Owners arms I drifted off to sleep.
The streets are jammed, the parking lots full, there are too many people everywhere, I tend to overspend...then again who doesn't at this time of year...especially when you have lots of birthdays thrown into the mix. Life is just jolly and fun. There are company holiday parties to plan, attend and secret santas to join, potluck dinners, and cookies and desserts to make. It seems like December is on warp speed from day 1, its difficult to enjoy it.
I've been having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year....not quite sure why. Its only something like 13 days until xmas and my lights aren't hung, a tree is the furthest thing from my mind...well okay it was until about 30 seconds ago when I mentioned it, and I have no idea if I have enough presents and who I missed while out shopping and the thought of going into a store is scary, usually I enjoy shopping, now I just dread it.
There are the hard to shop for on my list...I'm sure you have those, the ones that you just don't have a clue what to get so you keep putting it off. I have a few of those on my list, the ones I am just clueless about. Gift cards, misc stuff they will hate, clothes...who knows. Thats when I usually go out on a limb and try to be creative and hope it pays off.
So why all the talk of the holidays...its just my way of saying sorry I've been so remiss in giving you something juicy to read about. The holiday craziness has left me creatively challenged, and usually away from my computer. But as I sit here and type I feel the creativity creeping back and a little holiday cheer for all may be on its way from my computer to yours. In the meantime enjoy Santa's helper, I'm sure I would if I found her under my tree on xmas morning....of course that means I have to get a tree, but what incentive!
In the business world I am an Executive, in my personal life I am a slave. Which is the "real" me? Maybe both.
This blog was started with the consent of my Master to share the dynamics of our relationship with those curious about the Master/slave lifestyle.
I've been writing fictionalized accounts of my life as a slave for many years and have been published in a variety of bdsm magazines.