Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Broken Rules

I haven't been the best slave recently, I've broken one of my main rules (cursing) at least 3 times in the last 2 days. It's like my brain shut off and I can't stop myself. I do it, I realize I just messed up and I hope that Master didn't catch it. Of course he always does. I'm not sure what's going on, I know this is a hard rule for me but I'm usually not this bad. The other piece is that when I would slip up before I would acknowledge it and apologize immediately, now I cross my fingers that he didn't hear it. Whats up with that?

When I sit back and analyze it I get all in my head and get even more confused. Do I want to be punished? Am I unconsciously pushing a limit to see what happens? Is it truly just a slip up? Is there just a thing?

I don't know, I just know something has to change. I feel like I've been walking around with my head in the clouds. Maybe that's why its happening, I'm looking for grounding. Life has been quite chaotic (well more than usual) and my head has been spinning with questions I just don't have the answers to, or maybe I do and just don't want to listen to them.

Maybe these small acts of defiance are my subconscious mind seeking grounding. A way to get out of my head and back in my body. Or maybe I'm using it as a way to escape (not in a good way more in an avoidance way) what's going on in my head hoping that my "slip ups" will lead to physical punishment that will help me avoid my mental junk.

Or maybe I just think too much.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Happily Content

I lay on the bed excitement and nervousness coursing through me. Master told me earlier that he was going to crop me later but you never know with him, he could have just been saying that to excite me and stir me up or he could have meant it. Lying there I was torn between hoping he meant it and nervous. I love Master's crop. I love the way it feels when the leather stings my ass with that sharp snap, I love it when he drags the tip of it across my body, or tickles my nipples with it. I know the pain it is capable of causing and yet I crave it.

I heard Master enter the bedroom and my body tensed not knowing what to expect. I heard the whistle before I felt the sting and my body tensed, exactly what I knew it shouldn't do because it always hurt worse when it did. It wasn't Master's crop it was his flogger and it whistled in the air again and again as stung my back, my ass and the back of my thighs. I lay there willing myself to relax into the feeling but it was difficult. He ran his cool hand down my back every now and then admiring the color and just when I thought another round would begin I felt a familiar tickle on my back as Master ran his crop up my back and then down again. As it reached my ass I couldn't help from wiggle a little and then I felt its bite. Again and again rotating between the two Master whipped me until I looked like I had just stepped out of a tanning booth. The heat on my back increasing with each stoke. I waffled between pain and arousal not knowing whether I wanted him to stop and take me or keep going and prolong my torment.

Master did stop eventually and lay down on the bed allowing me to hungrily lick, suck and worship his cock. I knelt beside him my ass within easy reach in case he wasn't finished cropping me. My body was pleasantly tingling from the beating and feeling Masters hardness between my lips was making me squirm with desire. I wanted him inside me but knew I was going to have to wait. As I tended to my task I felt a tickle between my thighs and Master told me to open my legs for him. I obeyed and was rewarded by the feeling of the leather tip of Masters crop grazing my clit. I gasped and began moving my hips back and forth. He slid the leather further between my legs making me straddle the crop and then he began to slide it back and forth in time with my hips creating a lovely friction against my clit, the feel of the shalft gliding between my legs as I coated it in my slick wetness. Master only allowed a slight pressure driving me crazy making me want to ride it harder, and getting me wetter.

Master praised me telling me what a good slut I was, telling me how he wanted me really wet which was no problem with his crop riding me to the edge. Finally he pulled his cock out of my mouth, smacked my ass and told me to climb on top. I quickly jumped up and impaled myself on his cock, driving him deep within me. I faced away from him my hands between his legs as he thrust in and out of me riding me using my hips as handles, and occasionally gripping my ass hard and giving it a smack. My long curly hair dangled in my face as he road me hard making me feel wild and wanton. I struggled to hold back until I heard him quietly tell me to come for him, and I did, so quickly in fact it was almost defiant. I moaned and bucked as my orgasm ripped through my body and I felt him empty himself inside me. I was sweaty and sore but I was happily content as I collapsed lying there panting, Master still deep inside me.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Another Rant

Okay I usually don't like spouting about my political views but I am stunned by this latest "gift" from the current and thankfully soon to be gone administration. Apparently in December the Bush administration pass a rule limiting the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information when they visit a federally funded health care provider. It would allow individual health care providers to redefine abortion to include the most common forms of birth control and then refuse to provide these basic services. WTF!(sorry Master I will take any punishment for that one it is the only way to express the outrage I am feeling at this moment).

How does this affect me you may wonder? Well now anti-choice medical staff can withhold information about abortion, birth control and sex education from their patients. Facilities that receive federal funding such as Planned Parenthood will have to certify that they will not refuse to hire nurses and other providers who object to abortion and even certain types of birth control. So now a doctor who opposes pre-marital sex could refuse to provide a prescription or even information about emergency contraception to an unmarried woman.

Planned Parenthood is currently filing a lawsuit asking the court to invalidate this administrative regulation. But this will unfortunately not be an easy fight. Planned Parenthood is also asking the Obama administration to overturn this ruling immediately. You can sign a petition to reverse this action here.

For any health provider to intentionally withhold information about any treatment options from a patient for any health condition is absolutely unconscionable under any circumstances. It’s outrageous that President Bush used his last days in office to implement a rule that would limit the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information and the sad part is that so many people aren't even aware that it happened! I mean its half way through January and I just found out about it! Please get the word out and help overturn this absurd ruling.

To read the NY times article from Nov. 2008 about this click here

For more links to articles about this click here

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


It seems that communication, or lack of communication has been stirring up a lot of people's relationships recently. There are blog posts, and board topics popping up everywhere about it...maybe its the time of year for this type of thing but it's interesting that so many people are dealing with this issue right now. Personally I think the stress of the holidays and the economic crisis facing the country and hitting all of our wallets is a huge contributing factor but nevertheless, I think communication issues are things that plague all relationships again and again.

I really try to communicate right away with Master when something starts to bother me or nag at me but sometimes I just can't seem to find the words. That's when I get in my head. Is it me? Did I do something? Then I reverse it with thoughts of , its just lack of sleep, its no big deal, I'm sure this will just pass. Either way I go round and round until I get the guts to say something and then it usually turns out to be nothing that a quick 2 minute conversation would have satisfied instead of spending days arguing with myself about whether or not to say something. Silly me.

Then there are the times when I just can't seem to find the nerve to bring something up in person but I can write about it. I'll send Master an e-mail, or post something here. Not the most direct type of communication, and not the most wise either but its a step. At least I'm getting it out when before I would just sit on it and stew. Its interesting, for someone so open about so many things I can also be very closed and guarded. But that's learned behavior from past experiences, and its a tough habit to break but I also know I have to try because when you close off communication you just create more problems.

I also find that there are times that I think I have the guts to bring something up but then I feel that it might not be the right time for Master. It might seem to me that he has too much on his plate at the moment and doesn't need to "deal" with my insecurities or issues so I keep my mouth shut (well at least for talking!) but now I'm wondering if I just shouldn't at least ask if its a good time to talk or mention that something is bothering me and see if its a good time. If I try to play mind reader and get it wrong, I could be getting myself in more trouble and asking seems like a much better alternative.

Then there are the other kinds of communication issues which are really about the way in which we communicate. For example I am a fixer by nature, if you talk to me and present me with a problem or issue you are having I will feel compelled to "fix" it. I am really learning how to just sit back and listen and not always offer advice or to at least ask if they want any advice but it tough. It's particularly tough when it comes to communication with Master.

Its a rough balance for me to know if I'm crossing the line into being cocky, bossy and demanding or just trying to be helpful. I know its all about tone, body language etc but that's not always easy when you are writing an e-mail, and its sometimes even difficult on the phone. I don't believe I've actually crossed that particular line (yet) but I really work at it.

I can be quite passionate about things and I do get rather wound up about certain topics, and in that regard Master has had to reign me in and tell me to chill. It's my tone more than my comments, unless of course I lapse into a stream of cursing, which does happen and gets me in a ton of trouble. Of course once in that mode it's not always so easy to turn that off, but I try.

Then there is the fact that I'm just a sarcastic and playful person. I don't do it to be disrespectful and do try to reign it in under certain circumstances but sometimes I just can't help myself and something slips out, but its usually meant in a fun light. (Good thing Master has a sense of humor!) Although if I'm tired or not feeling well I can be very short, or snarky in my comments which usually gets me a look or worse.

Communication is hard work, no wonder we struggle with it!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Title Origins

Sometimes the internet sucks you in and won't let go - like today for instance. I just couldn't let this whole "you must call me Master" stuff I went on a fact finding mission.

I sometimes use Sir to address other Doms/Masters on boards as a sign of respect...sort of like calling someone Mr (fill in their last name), with people outside the bdsm community. Even though Sir is an honorific given to knights, it is also given to one of superior rank or status, which is quite fitting in the circumstances I use it in. Of course those Masters/Doms who are rude, and treat other peoples property as their own I don't feel deserve this respect or superior status. I wouldn't walk into someone elses house and start behaving as if it were mine, and I wouldn't expect someone else's pet to give me the same respect they give their owner....its the same thing.

Of course while on my search I came across the address of Mr. which is actually a shortened of the word Master, although most people think it is the shortened form of Mister, and so now the address of Master is now only used to address young boys under the age of 13. (Which is kind of funny if you think about it).

Of course as most of us know Master is also used as an honorific within the bdsm community to describe the Owner or dominant partner of a M/s relationship. On my random and quite useless search through the internet regarding these titles (can you tell I was bored today) I found this:

Usage of "Master" in most BDSM environs does not imply any specific expertise, abilities or formal training. Although the Master is understood to have authority over the slave in some sense, this never extends to one's legal rights and thus there must always be an implicit element of consent involved.

How nice of someone to realize that there needs to be an implicit element of consent for someone to be considered a Master, and since there is no implied consent on my part to those other than my Owner there should be no reasonable expectation of my calling them by that name.

I also liked this little tidbit I found....

To successfully maintain a Master/slave relationship takes abilities and skills beyond or apart from normal relationship skills.

I wonder what those other abilities and skills are? Rope tying 101, How to use a flogger?, How about where to strike your slave so it leaves the least bruises? (Or the reverse if you are into that).

Actually snarky comments aside I'm not sure I agree that maintaining an M/s relationship takes abilities beyond those of a vanilla relationship. I think it takes trust, open communication and some chemistry, not necessarily sexual chemistry either since not all M/s relationships are sexual in nature but that's a whole other topic.

None of these are necessarily a skill or ability beyond normal. So after I stopped laughing and thinking of funny skills or abilities that might be required and tried to formulate a more mature idea of what they were talking about, I found myself stumped. I just couldn't come up with anything that I thought of as an ability or skill beyond those of normal relationships that are needed to maintain an M/s relationship. If you can think of anything I'm all eyes.


Why do so many Masters/Doms think that all slaves/subs should revere them and submit to them?

In my opinion just because you identify as a Master doesn't necessarily mean that I owe you my servitude. I submit to my Master, I am polite to other Doms/Masters or at least I try to be polite, it doesn't always work. I think sometimes people think to dominate you have to be rude, impolite or put others down in order to build yourself up. I hate to break it to those people but that's not the way it works in my world and I have a bit too much dominance in me to put up with egotistical morons who think the world revolves around them just because they discovered BDSM and have designated themselves a Dom.

I think the main thing is that everyone has different rules that they need to follow, mine don't include having to submit or put on a pedestal anyone who identifies as a Master. I answer to my Master, I follow his rules, orders, and quite frankly he is the only one I care about offending or disobeying. I also do not and will not (unless ordered to) refer to anyone else as Master. If I use that title with everyone what is there to differentiate mine with all the others? To me it is a title of Ownership. Since I only have one owner I can only refer to one person as Master.

I apologize for the rant but I received one too many e-mails from patronizing SOB's telling me I don't show enough respect for other Doms in my posts on some of the boards and that since I identify as a slave I should call all dominates Master...uh I don't think so.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Almost Perfect

I was tired, cold and crashing from a carbohydrate coma from stupidly believing yummy high carb foods would keep me going...duh not, now my body was crashing. I hadn't slept well the night before, my train this morning had run 1/2 hour late and then I spent 1 1/2 hour getting to my destination and then another half hour navigating the subway system of an unfamiliar city. I was definitely verging on cranky. I partially blame myself for deciding not to drive to see Master this time but with the holidays and the traffic a relaxing train ride sounded much better and despite the minor aggravations I still think it was the right decision.

Master and I had just gotten back from running some errands and while it was the middle of the day I just couldn't bring myself to not wander into the bedroom to lay down. I lay sideways across the foot of the bed and grabbed the paper I had just brought upstairs. I wasn't sure if we were staying or leaving right away. So while my first inclination was to undress, as Master prefers to keep me, I thought I had better stay clothed in case he wanted to leave right away. I didn't want him cranky by having to wait for me.

I lay on my stomach, up on my elbows, my knees bent, toes slightly pointed and kicked my legs slowly back and forth. Master wandered into the bedroom and gave me a funny look he can't understand why I don't lay on a bed the "normal" way. I can never seem to lay on a bed straight unless its time to sleep, and even then I have a hard time. I am always diagonal or sideways or some other ways. Sometimes my head is at the end of the bed, sometimes up by the pillows, and sometimes I am standing on the floor just leaning on the bed reading a book or a newspaper, using my laptop or whatever (I know its strange, I'm quirky and I'm okay with that.)

He shooed my feet out of the way and lay down with his head propped up against the pillows watching me. I looked up at him, quickly folded the paper back up and moved it to within his reach. Master put his hand on it and told me to strip. I wasn't sure if I was in trouble or not for not having already done this, but he didn't seem upset with me. My mind wavered between apologizing for not having already done this and just keeping quiet because sometimes I tend to over think things and that gets me in worse trouble. I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again, made quick work of shedding my clothing and crawled back up on the bed next to him figuring this might be one of those times to stay silent.

I lay my head on Masters shoulder while he read the paper and absently stroked my back. It was wonderfully relaxing. We tried doing the crossword puzzle but got stumped half way through sometimes it's hard to come up with a four letter word for a sword that starts with an e, especially when your mind starts wandering toward other more vigorous activities. (Btw the answer would be epee)

Master put the paper down and gave my ass a few soft taps followed by a few more forceful slaps. The stinging pain quickly snapped me out of my drowsy half sleep, making parts of my body flush and take notice. I maneuvered my body sideways to better accommodate him. (I swear it had nothing to do with the fact that I really enjoy being spanked!) My ass was stinging within a few moments, each blow arousing me further and making me wince, twitch and whimper. I moved my head toward his lap hoping he would allow me to hold his cock in my mouth while he continued his assault upon my ass.

He seemed to be in an accommodating mood because I quickly found his warm flesh between my lips and halfway down my throat. I groaned in appreciation as I ran my tongue up and down while sliding him in and out of my mouth. My body was on fire and I was becoming lost to the sensations. Master grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled my head up leaving a trail of drool running down my chin.

"Come here." He said and pulled me down next to him my ass pressed against his hard cock. "Open your legs" he ordered and I quickly obeyed, helping him slide inside me making me whimper and press back taking him deeper inside my body. I was very aroused and wanted him to just take me hard and fast but of course Master had other plans.

He held me tightly against his body, only allowing the briefest of movement just making me feel. I shuddered, struggling to move closer, to drive him deeper, I wanted more. If I had been standing up I might have stamped my foot I was feeling like a petulant child not getting her way. I whimpered and pouted but he held me tight, whispering in my ear all that had just been done to me, all that he planned to do. I continued to struggle until his hand slipped up around my throat. Just holding me like that, not squeezing just a gentle grip on my throat and I instantly stilled, my mind quieted and I allowed him to guide me slowly.

"That's a good girl." He said. "Surrender. Who owns you?"

"You do Master." I whispered.

"That's right. And do you know what just happened to you?"

I shook my head no. My mind was still foggy with arousal and I was having a hard time trying to understand his questions.

"Were you told to strip?"

"Yes Master" I replied.

"Were you spanked?"

"Yes Master" My voice quivered. My arousal barely contained.

"Did you suck cock?"

"Yes Master."

"And now what is happening?"

"You are taking my body, using me for your enjoyment Master." I whimpered, my breath coming faster, my nipples tightening.

"That's right. So you were stripped, spanked, made to suck cock and then used."

I groaned and haltingly responded, "Yes Master, I was stripped, spanked, made to suck cock and used for your pleasure."

"Good girl." He said. "Would you like to come?"

"Yes Sir!" I practically shrieked, his slow methodical torture driving me mad.

"Not yet, I think you need to learn some more control."

A sob escaped my throat and I felt my anger flare. How dare he! I hated when he pulled this, taking me to the brink and then letting me simmer, or even worse denying me satisfaction. My arousal lessened as my anger took hold. I felt myself begin to struggle. Master must have felt it also because his grip on my throat tightened and I felt my anger slip away replaced by surrender.

"Watch that anger slave, you need to learn more control over your emotions. Now calm down or you will be denied."

"Yes Master" I whispered, slowing my breath, my anger still simmering in the back of my mind but I held it in check and released myself to Masters will.

"Good." He said, releasing his grip but keeping his hand where it was.

My desire began to grow again as his movements increased, thrusting deeper and harder inside me. He took me back to the brink again, holding me there. My breath coming faster, my mind trying hard to hold back, to hold still, to allow him to guide me. My body started quivering from the strain, sweat coating my body.

"Come for me." he whispered thrusting harder inside me.

It took me a moment for me to comprehend his words I was concentrating so hard on holding back. I relaxed my mind, and just let myself feel. Within moments I gasped and sobbed, my body arching backward, the slight pressure of his hand on my throat sending shivers down my spine, the thoughts of what he could do to me making it that much more erotic in my head. Tears ran down my cheeks, my body on fire. Master slowed, barely moving behind me while my body bucked and clenched around him.

I lay there in Masters arms, my emotions so raw I couldn't stop the tears.

"I'm sorry I'm such a brat Master. Thank you for being so good to me." I mumbled through my tears.

He grabbed my face and turned my face to look at him but I couldn't look him in the eye. I was ashamed of my behavior earlier.

"Look at me." He said forcefully.

I struggled to obey not wanted to be disobedient twice. I slowly raised my eyes to his. He looked at me, wiped a tear away with his fingers, and said "You are not a brat, you are a good slave. Are there times that you need to be reminded of your place? Yes, but you are too hard on yourself, I don't expect perfection. I know you struggle sometimes but ultimately you surrender. "

I just started at him, not knowing what to say, an inner war raging in my head. He was right I am hard on myself. I expect perfection and struggle when I don't achieve it. I don't know how to change that, its an ongoing process that I have seen small changes in but it is going very slowly and I'm not good with waiting.

"Thank you Master." I said because it was the only thing I could say. Anything else would have gotten me in trouble. The 'I'll try to be better' thoughts I kept to myself. He pinched my nose and let go of my face. I turned away, snuggled back into him, and gave in to my exhaustion.

Thank You

I was trying to figure out what post would make a good start to 2009 and I can't think of anything better than to say....

Thank you Master for your Ownership.

I am grateful for your patience, your strictness, your control, and your care. Being a dominant personality in my daily life sometimes makes my submission difficult, but through your guidance I have found such freedom and clarity in surrendering that control. As I barrel through life I often overwhelm and stress myself out. You reign me in reminding me that letting go while sometimes painful holds great rewards.

I am yours. Your slave, your slut, your property, whether together or apart that piece of my soul that you captured long ago reminds me always of who I answer and belong to. Our circumstances have changed many times since I felt that lock snap shut on the collar around my throat but there has never been any question of who Owns me. My collar may be invisible to most but it binds me in service to you. It is never far from my mind and guides many of my thoughts and actions.

I am here to please you, to obey, to surrender. I don't always do so with grace and sometimes need a strong hand to guide me back but a pat on my head and a "good girl" sends shivers through my body and makes my heart swell with joy. Thank you Master for guiding me on this wondrous, sometimes painful, but always rewarding journey.