Tuesday, September 30, 2008
I get bitchy, weepy, insecure, and needy around this time. Not to mention the bloating, not feeling particularly sexy, tired and sometimes just not being in the mood. Given that being a slave is about being in service to one's Master I would think that this is a particularly important part of being a slave. One I would think more people would write about, but I haven't seen it. Maybe I'm just missing it.
I know for me dealing with my emotional highs and lows can be very difficult and I'm sure it's trying for Master as well. I over think things, stress myself out and try hard not to let my irritation at the littlest thing spill over into my relationship with Master. I've been fairly successful at maintaining my temper, not so successful at hiding my insecurities and sullen moods.
Then of course there is the inconvenience of it all. Yeah I could probably take a pill that would eliminate it all together but something about that weirds me out. I just can't justify messing that significantly with a function my body was meant to perform. I know all the doctors say its fine and there are no long term effects but I just don't know if I believe that. So I deal with it and all its inconveniences and despite being shy about it, I will still serve Master sexually even when its that time of the month.
I always wonder how other people handle it. I'm just nosey that way. I know among my vanilla friends this isn't talked about much in mixed company. A few of my guy friends will talk about it, how they don't care, they just get towels, or how there are at least two other holes to fill so its no big deal to them, then there are those who avoid their girlfriends like the plague during that time. My straight female friends would rather eat glass than discuss this with their boyfriends, or husbands...its like the other big secret next to masturbation. Once again something normal but for some reason embarrassing to talk about. I'm not sure I understand why.
My lesbian friends are more open about it, its talked about, joked about, and not made such a big deal of. The big joke is to avoid the string when you get horny (we are a sick group sometimes what can I say). Perhaps its the difference between the sexes...guys just don't like thinking about it, don't want to talk about it with their girlfriends, girls are embarrassed or feel weird talking about it with guys and well among girls we do talk but for some reason don't share. I'm not sure why its another one of those taboo subjects but I'm trying to break the mold.
I wonder what else I'll find that people don't like to talk about.....
Monday, September 29, 2008
Add to that the stress of work and home and it’s a recipe for disaster. I try to keep them in check, try to remember that I am reading too much into things when I feel this way but it doesn’t always help. One distracted phone conversation with Master and I will over think my way into a downward spiral. All the old insecurities pop up (maybe they never went away) and I torment myself with doubts.
It’s at these times that I try to listen to Masters voice in my head telling me not to over analyze, take things more at face value. It’s tough though I guess in my past relationships there was always an underlying motive to everything that happened. I would take things at face value only to learn that there was something more going on. After a few blows from the side I learned to analyze everything to find the potential motive behind it. Nothing was done up front, it was always more of a sneak attack, underhanded and passively planned.
Passive aggressive people are probably some of the most mentally hurtful people out there. They stab you in the back so slowly you don’t know the knife is there until half of your blood is pooled around your feet, you can’t figure out where the pain is coming from and you start to feel faint.
Master is definitely not like that, but once you’ve been down that path it’s hard to relearn to trust in what is presented to you. I guess that’s the crux of the problem, trust. Just when I think I finally have it down these hormonal days will leave me realizing that the insecurities are still there, they are just buried underneath the surface waiting to rear their ugly heads. I know these things can take time but it would be so nice if you could just flip a switch.
Friday, September 26, 2008
I bring my hand back and slide it under my shirt. Imagining my hands are yours as they glide across my breasts, cupping them, squeezing them, caressing them. My nipples harden waiting for your lips, my back arches, pressing them forward. They ache with a desire that will have to wait for another day.
I slide my hand down my belly, taking my time to explore the hardness of my ribs, the soft skin of my belly, the cold metal ring in my belly button, the sharp curve of my hip bone. I squirm under my own hand, imagining it is you reaching through the distance to tease me, and stroke my flames of desire.
I slowly slide my fingers over my panties wanting the sensations to last. My hand runs down my thighs, my legs part, my breath comes faster. My fingers graze the damp material between my legs my muscles tense, my hips lift. I imagine your warmth pressed against me, the hardness of your cock crazing my leg, your arm draped across my body as your fingers explore every inch of me, your lips close to my ear telling me exactly what you are going to do to me.
A small moan escapes my lips as I slip my fingers inside my panties, pushing them down, and then softly gliding my fingers through the evidence of my desire. I slide a finger inside myself, my muscles tensing around it, pulling it deeper within me. My body shivers, I slowly slide in and out fanning the flames, bringing myself closer to the edge. My thumb grazes my clit, sending electric tingles of energy through my body. I want more, I need more; I want to feel you deep inside me, filling me, impaling me, and claiming me.
I move my fingers up to circle my clit. I can’t hold back much longer, my body is on fire. I need this release but don’t want the sensations to end. I focus on the burning fires raging through my body, my hips arch, my muscles tense, my breath comes faster. I try to hold back just a little longer but my body has other ideas. White light flashes before my eyes as my body bows and the orgasm sweeps through me. I can feel the muscles deep inside me contracting around emptiness, missing the full hardness of you thrusting in and out of me. Wanting to feel your pace increase, your cock thicken and finally your release.
As my breath returns to normal, and my fantasies subside I am left alone once again. I stare at the empty spot next to me missing you.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
For instance I am still having some trouble with my verbal communication skills. I will get so wrapped up that I forget to verbally respond to Master and just shake my head yes or no. This was a recurring problem this past weekend and seemed only to be an issue when Master was filling my mouth with his cock. I'm not allowed to answer with words, just a sort of "mmhmm"(yes) or "mmm mm" (no). But the other day it was like I was mute.
We were lying in bed, Master was watching the news and I was curled up next to him, his cock in my mouth and he was asking me something. I responded by shaking my head which didn't please him, so he decided I needed a spanking. In between the stinging slaps on my ass Master would reach down and spread my pussy, exposing me, making me embarrassed and aroused at the same time. Sometimes he would just hold me like that, other times he would open me and gaze at my exposed pussy making me squirm. You’d think I’d be over this by now, I mean geez its not like he hasn’t seen my pussy before, I don’t know why this is so different, maybe because it seems so naughty and vulnerable. Either way it makes me wet. I was ordered to continue to suck cock while he spanked and exposed me, asking me questions about this or that, making sure I answered correctly even though I had my mouth full.
I love being spanked and this spanking was particularly hard making it that much more arousing and erotic to me. I'm sure my squirms, wiggles and moans were spurring the slaps to be harder, although Master was in a much more intense mood the other day and everything seemed harder, deeper, and rougher, it was heavenly but that’s a different topic.
When he felt I had learned my lesson he made me sit up, and look at him, which was hard to do because I was so embarrassed by how turned on I was by the whole thing (its one of those weird internal voices that says its got to be wrong to be that turned on by what just happened). Then he had me explain what I had just learned and what was expected of me.
It was in this discussion that I found the key that will ensure my compliance, understanding. If a rule makes sense to me its easier to follow. Not all rules make sense all the time, but this one finally did! I'm not sure how I missed it before but I’m glad I picked it up through my hazy fog of desire. Master loves to hear me moan and mumble when my mouth is full, it turns him on. Duh! Now why didn't I realize that to begin with? Sometimes I can be a little ditzy. Having this knowledge makes me more conscious of answering now, because I love turning him on. I still might get lost in the moment but I think it’s now more a part of my subconscious because it makes sense and allows me to please him which is always my goal.
After our discussion he held me, while I buried my head in his shoulder, still feeling a bit embarrassed by my reaction. Master had his arms wrapped around me, his cool hands softly stroking my burning flesh, arousing me even further, setting the rest of me on fire. Eventually, when it pleased him, he doused the flames allowing me to come in a shudder of ecstasy.
Friday, September 19, 2008
Then my temper swelled, he left me here, aroused, helpless and he tells me not to come? What is he going to do if I don’t listen? How will he know? Maybe I don’t want to be a slave anymore, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I didn’t need him. Maybe I should leave.
I struggled again, my anger and inner conflict at war with my slave training. I wiggled and writhed in an attempt to loosen my bonds, or at least that’s what I told myself. I knew it was futile, the ropes wouldn’t come loose, they never did, Master was an expert at tying knots but the movement was bringing me closer and closer to release. As I teetered on the brink on orgasm I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had avoided looking at myself since he left but now I had no choice. I gazed at my reflection. My eyes glazed over with desire, my body flushed from my struggle. Then I looked closer, at the clamps on my nipples, dried traces of Masters come on my body, my mouth held open with a gag, my arms tied above my head gripping the bedpost and the glimpse of blue between my legs as I slid up and down on the silicone cock filling my pussy.
Who was this girl in the mirror, this slave girl bound and gagged, with the defiant look in her eye? She wanted to be defiant. She wanted to come. My reflection gazed back at me, that defiant and angry slave girl, daring me to do it. This was not the person I was a few months ago who took so much pride in pleasing her Master. I wasn’t sure who she was, I wasn’t even sure I liked her but I couldn’t stop myself. I took her challenge, I gripped the bedpost tighter I was reaching the point of no return; my body was on fire, my breath coming in gasps, my body arching my eyes closed and then, time stopped.
As the orgasm swept through my body, images of my last 3 years played like a movie in my head. The first day I met Master, the 6 months we were apart while I made my decision to stay, the 2 years since I came back. The vacations, the mundane chores of every day life, the quiet moments and the passionate ones; there were very few struggles in our relationship, oh there were a few but they were usually minor, for the most part we were happy. I thought of the comfort I felt in Masters presence, the safety, the love. Was I really willing to give all that up because he wanted me to cut my hours?
Pleasure, heartache, frustration, anger, fear, and shame flooded my head as the orgasm completed its sweep through my body. My body collapsed into my bonds and I started to shake and cry. I couldn’t believe I defied him like that. I didn’t know I was capable of it. I wept at what I had done this unfamiliar person who cared only for herself. This was how Master found me, I hadn’t even heard the door open but the next thing I knew he was kneeling beside me. He removed the toys that filled my body, removed the clamps on my nipples, undid the gag and released my arms and legs from their bonds.
I collapsed on the floor, my body curled in a fetal position as I continued to sob. He sat beside me calmly running his hand through my hair. I pushed him a way a few times but he didn’t relent. He continued to stroke my hair, occasionally running his hand across my back. He shouldn’t be consoling me, I had defied him. I didn’t deserve his comfort. I don’t know when I fell asleep but one moment I was on the floor crying and the next I was lying in bed with Master curled around my body. I started to sink back into his warmth, his familiar scent, his arms wrapped around my body and then I remembered what I had done. My eyes flew open, I stiffened and tried to pull away, but he held me fast.
“Not so fast slave. Where do you think you are going?”
“I….I’m not sure, Sir, I…I just, I....” I stumbled over my words and thoughts, “I don’t know.” I said my body softening in defeat. “I’m so sorry.” I felt the tears forming in the corner of my eyes again.
“Do you want to be released?” He whispered into my hair.
It took me a moment to understand what he was asking. “I thought I did Sir.” I whispered.
“Do you still?”
I thought back on all that had happened over the last month, my struggle with the rules, and my stress over work, my blatant defiance only a few hours ago. Did I still want to be released? Or was I acting out, pushing the limits as a child would in an effort for him to exercise his control over me. Was this my way of proving to myself that no matter what he would still be here, looking out for me, doing what he thought was best for me even when I don’t see it myself? Or was I just so wrapped up in work that I hadn’t seen what I was doing to myself, to us? I didn’t know the reasons I was doing the things I was doing but I knew that I had been making myself crazy for the last month. If I really let myself think about things rationally I knew that Masters new restrictions were in my best interest but who said I was rational? I knew that he didn’t impose rules to be mean, he did them to build structure to our lives, and they weren’t unrealistic.
“I asked you a question slave.” Master said interrupting my thoughts.
“I’m sorry Sir. I…no, no I don’t Master, if you still want me, I want to stay. I’m sorry Sir, I don’t know what’s wrong, and I’m not sure how to fix it.” My words started coming faster, as the tears started running down my face. “I was disobedient today Sir, I came when you told me not to, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I did that, I don’t want to leave Sir, I want to be here. I need to be here. I’m happy here. Well, if I'm honest, I’m not really happy anywhere right now Sir, I’m not sure what’s going on, forgive me Master, I didn’t mean to ……”
Master put his hand over my mouth.We’ll deal with that later. I don’t want to release you but I won’t keep you if you want to leave. The rest we can work out. My rules remain in place, you are to keep to 9-5 hours and you are to relinquish your blackberry when you come home. You will meditate and get back to your yoga practice at least three times a week. We will discuss this again and your defiance in a few weeks or so. You are overworked and overstressed we need to correct that before anything else can be accomplished. Do you understand slave?”
I felt myself bristle at his words, the defiant woman from the mirror returning but I pushed her back down and leaned back into him “Yes Sir.” I replied.
The first few days were difficult. I didn’t make it home on time and I struggled to leave the office feeling like a slacker by not staying. I tried talking to Master about it but he wouldn’t relent. I felt frustrated thinking about all the work that was piling up that I should be accomplishing. My yoga and meditation practice were next to impossible, I couldn’t focus, my mind kept returning to work but I kept at it, trying to surrender. Relinquishing my cell phone was by far the most difficult though. I was like a junkie needing a fix. The first day Master put it up on a shelf and within 2 hours I was hauling a chair over to try to reach it. Of course I was caught, and the cell phone was then locked in his office. I found myself coming up with unique and comical ways to break in to the office without getting caught which I never followed through with but they occupied a great deal of my thinking. There were moments I found myself sitting on the floor outside the door, leaning against it weeping. I was a mess.
By week the end of week 2 I was actually feeling calmer. I was making it home from work on time, I wasn’t as distracted by the loss of my cell phone when I walked in the door and yoga and meditation weren’t such a struggle anymore. I felt lighter, more at ease. Since I knew I only had a set amount of time at work to get things accomplished I found I was prioritizing better, delegating work and getting more accomplished in a quicker period of time.
At the beginning of week three, I walked into the house at 5pm and went straight to Masters office to relinquish my phone. He was sitting at his desk. I knocked and waited for him to invite me in. When he turned and told me to enter I walked over to him, dropped to my knees at his feet and put my head in his lap. I wasn’t expected to do that but it felt right.
“What’s the matter slave?” He asked.
“Nothing Sir, everything is wonderful. I’m sorry I’ve been so horrible lately. You were right, I was putting too my stress on myself. Thank you Sir, for seeing what I needed and forcing me to take care of myself. Forgive me for doubting you and your motives.”
Master lifted my face up to look at him. “There is nothing to forgive slave, you were not yourself. I take partial blame, I am responsible for you and I should have stopped it long before it got so bad. We will start again, a clean slate. Your past indiscretions are erased, from here we move forward.”
I looked up at him, in disbelief, relief and love; tears started flowing down my face.“Thank you Sir. You are too kind, I don’t deserve….”
He grabbed my chin and slapped me sharply but not hard across the face. “I don’t want to hear that again.” He said sternly “You are a good, loyal slave, you are too hard on yourself. Now go change, we have plans for dinner.” He leaned down and kissed me. A kiss filled with promise and passion.
“Yes Sir. Thank you Master.” I said getting slowly to my feet. I placed my cell phone on his desk and turned to leave.
“You may keep that slave.” He said pointing to the phone.
“No Sir, I don’t think I’m ready yet.” I said and walked out to go get ready for dinner. I smiled as I walked through the house, I felt light, and happy. I practically glided up the stairs thinking about what I could find to wear that would please Master. Hoping that dinner would be short and we could come home early and spend some much needed quality time in bed or in the living room, or the kitchen or….I shuddered as my imagination took over.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
“Kneel by the bedpost slave.” He said.
I dropped to the floor by the foot of the bed.
“Put a foot on either side of the leg of the bed slave, and raise your arms above your head to grab the post.”
I did as I was told, my ass was on fire and each little movement caused the plug in my ass to move sending little ripples of pleasure through my body. Master tied my ankles together and then to the bedpost so that I couldn’t move. He then went to work securing my wrists to the post above my head. The mattress prevented me from sliding my hands down very far.
He reached out and pinched my nipples, making them swell, I groaned and pressed forward into his hand. It had been a few weeks since he had touched me this way and I didn’t realize how much I had missed it. He walked over to the night stand and took a few more things out of the drawer throwing a few things on the bed. I shivered in anticipation.
He walked back to where I was bound, knelt in front of me and looked at me. I couldn’t understand his expression, he almost looked sad. He seemed to be searching for something in my face; I’m not sure if he found it but he leaned in and kissed me. It was a deep passionate kiss that left me tingling all over. I leaned my head back against the bedpost, my eyes still closed. I felt his hand graze my breast and groaned, and then I felt the tight pinch of a clamp closing on my nipple. I gasped and my eyes shot open as a second clamp closed over my other nipple the little chain connecting them swinging softly across my belly tickling me.
“Spread your knees slave.” He said to me and reached out to slide his fingers through my wetness. He slid two fingers inside me making me wiggle and groan unfortunately they didn’t remain there long. He pulled them out as I whimpered and a shoved them in my mouth. I sucked on them greedily and when he removed them I whimpered and pouted. He ran his thumb across my lips and reached up onto the bed to retrieve one of the objects he had placed there.
It was a large blue dildo, one I hadn’t seen before. “Sit up a bit so I can fit this in place” he said. .My eyes widened, and I gasped as he slid the tip into my pussy. “Now lower down on it so that it is fully inside you.” He said
I slowly lowered myself down moaning as I felt it slide into place, pushing against the plug in my ass making me feel completely full. I writhed and wiggled creating new even more intense sensations to ripple through my body.
Master stood up and looked down on me bound to the bedpost my pussy and ass filled “Take care slave, you don’t have permission to come and I have more planned for you.” He said.
I looked up at him, my eyes glazed. “Yes Master.” I said, trying to remain still.
He unzipped his pants, pushing them down so that I could gaze hungrily at his hard cock. “Do you want this?” he asked?
“Yes.” I whispered.
He sighed, “Yes what slave?”
“Yes Master I want to taste you.”
He grabbed a handful of my hair and shoved his cock into my mouth. It was violent and unexpected and I gagged and fought my restraints. Finally I relaxed into it and caught the rhythm of his body as he slid his cock in and out from between my lips. I ran my tongue up and down his length occasionally circling the tip. Every so often he would thrust a bit too deep making me gag. The motion he created in my body as he thrust in and out of my mouth made me rock back and forth on the dildo stuffed in my pussy which in turn pushed on the plug in my ass, I felt completely used. Every hole was filled, and I could feel my arousal building. I moaned and whimpered. Master reached out and pulled on the little chain attached to the clamps on my nipples. The sharp pain brought me back to what I was doing instead of giving myself over to the sensations. I needed to focus on the task otherwise I knew I would come.
Just as abruptly as it had begun Master pulled out of my mouth and I watched as he brought himself to orgasm, covering my face and chest with his come, once again marking me. He walked away and I heard him in the bathroom cleaning up. He came back out and grabbed a full length mirror that was leaning against the wall and brought it over to where I was. He propped it up in front of me so I could see myself bound to the bed, his come covering me and dripping down my body; the blue of the base of the dildo in my pussy just visible between my legs. He reached up on the bed for what I thought was a towel to clean me off.
“Open” He said to me.
I looked at him quizzically but complied. He slid a ring gag in my mouth, secured it behind my head, loosened the clamps on my nipples and stepped back.
“Look in the mirror slave, this is who you are. You are a slave, my property. I own you. You seem to have forgotten that. I’m going to leave you here for a while, your pussy and ass filled, your mouth held open by that ring, and your body covered with my come. I think you need a reminder of your place and who you answer to. I know you are very aroused but you are not allowed to come. Nod your head if you understand.”
I nodded my head in understanding and disbelief. I was angry. I felt defiant. How dare he do this to me, work me up like this and leave. It wasn’t fair.
“The look in your eyes tells me I am right in doing this. You seem to think you have choices, that you are a free woman. You aren’t, you gave up that right when you accepted my collar. This is for your own good. I’ll be back in a little while to check on you.” He said and walked out shutting the door.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
I lay curled up on the bed, my body wrapped around his pillow inhaling his scent. Tears streamed down my face. Life had not been so easy lately. Work is consuming me. I am completely stressed out and it is spilling into our personal life. I am staying longer at the office, and when I'm not there I am glued to my computer or phone. My patience has worn thin and I am being short tempered and bratty with everyone around me including Master. I can see the strain this is taking on our relationship. He is spending more time out, I will often come home to hear him in the basement training another slave and he hasn’t used me in weeks. Today I came home from work to a note telling me to wait for him in the bedroom, that there were things we needed to discuss.
I was terrified. Did Master find a new slave to take my place? Was he so fed up with my behavior that he was going to release me? I knew I hadn’t been an obedient slave recently; in fact I had been the exact opposite.
I had been lectured and punished more in the last few weeks than I had in the last 2 years. I knew it couldn’t go on like this forever but I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
I heard Master downstairs; my heart started beating even faster. I wasn’t ready for this, I didn’t want to face him, didn’t want to hear what he had to say. I heard the door open and Masters footsteps as he came in the room and sat down in the chair across from the bed.
“Come here slave.” He said.
I looked up at him over the pillow tears staining my cheeks and slowly unwound my body from his pillow and walked across the room to him. I stood before him, my head lowered tears continuing to run down my face.
"Strip and kneel."
I nodded my head in understanding and started to undress. My hands were shaking and my stomach was in knots. I folded my clothes, put them on the bed and walked back over to kneel at his feet.
“We have a problem.” He said and reached out to touch the collar around my neck.
As his fingers brushed the lock at my throat a cry escaped my lips, my body bent forward my head touching his knee, “Please Master, I’m sorry, I know I’ve been a bad slave I don’t know what’s wrong, please don’t release me.” I gasped between sobs.
I felt his hands on my face trying to get me to look at him, but I wouldn’t lift my head. I didn’t want to see his face; see the disappointment, the anger. His hand wrapped tightly in my hair and he forced my head back so I was looking at him. What I saw there was something unexpected, surprise.
Keeping his tight grip on my hair, he cupped the side of my face with his other hand brushing my tears away with his thumb. “Silly slave, I have no intention of releasing you, but things are going to change. I cannot allow this behavior to continue and it is obvious the methods I have been using to correct your behavior are not working. You have been working too much, you are overwhelmed and it is affecting not only you but me and its not going to continue. Do you understand?”
“Yes Master.” I said. Relief that he wasn’t going to release me flooded my body, the tears continued but the emotions behind them changed.
“As of right now you are going back to your normal 9-5 hours, you are not allowed to do any work from home for at least a week. I will reevaluate this stipulation week by week. I might allow you to work for one hour in the evening but it will depend on how things are going. There will be no calls after 5pm. Your blackberry is to be relinquished to me when you get home. I will monitor it and if there is something truly urgent I will allow you to take the call. You will get back to your yoga and meditation practice at least 3 times a week no exceptions. I will not continue to allow your work to interfere with our personal lives.”
I sat there my tears gone, my mouth slightly open. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “But Master there is so much to get done. This project is very important, it won’t go on forever but I have a time window in which the work needs to be completed. I can’t possibly get it completed without putting in extra hours. Why are you doing this? If I don’t get this done it could ruin me.” I whined.
“I’m sorry slave but I have no other choice. You are running yourself into the ground. There is no balance in your life and you are turning our home life upside down. I can’t allow it any longer. I shouldn’t have allowed it to continue as long as it did. I was hoping that you would be able to find some balance on your own but you are too wrapped up in it and not seeing things clearly. If you won’t take care of yourself, I will do it for you.”
“But Master, this could wreck my career. You know how much my work means to me, why are you doing this to me?”
“I know what your career means to you, but before anything else you are my slave. You knew the rules when you came back 2 years ago. I allowed you to continue with your career but I also warned you if it started to interfere with our life that there would be changes. I think you may find that if you slow down, and get some balance in your life that your project won’t feel as overwhelming and you will get more accomplished. You will start to prioritize things more, becoming more efficient. This is not a punishment slave, even though it may feel like one. Your health and our relationship are on the line here. I can’t sit back and watch you self destruct. It’s not going to happen.”
“Please don’t do this Master, I don’t understand. Why are you forcing me to choose between you and my work?”
“I’m not forcing you to do anything slave. You are mine. You don’t have choices. Perhaps I have been too lenient with you and you have forgotten what you are.You work because I allow it. I had no plans for anything but a discussion today but perhaps I need to remind you what that collar around your neck means. It is not just some pretty bauble; it is a sign of ownership. You are my property. I think it’s time you are reminded of that. Go lean over the edge of the bed I think I’m going to whip you.”
“But I thought we were going to…” I started to say.
“The discussion is over.” He said interrupting me, “we need to break the cycle and you need a reminder of your place. Apparently I have been too lenient with you lately. Now do as your told slave.” He said forcefully.
I stood up and walked over to the bed, bending my body in half waiting. There were so many thoughts and feelings running through my head. I kept repeating over and over to myself “he just doesn’t understand”, followed by “I’m just going to do what I need to do, who does he think he is, telling me what to do?” This last thought was interrupted by the sharp sting of the whip as it snapped the flesh on my ass.
Master couldn’t have timed that one better I thought and I sucked in my breath. The impact drove home the reminder of exactly who he is. He is my Owner this is what I wanted. What would I do if I truly had to choose between Master and my career? I had no idea. I didn’t want to think about it. I wasn’t even sure what I was going to do about these new rules. I was hoping we could talk about it some more later, when he was calmer, maybe I could get him to understand.
I heard the sound of the whip slicing through the air for its second strike before I actually felt the bite. I made the mistake of tensing at the noise making the impact worse. I hissed and buried my face in the blanket. Soon all thoughts of work and convincing Master that the new rules were too harsh left, all I could think about was the sting of Masters whip, and the multitude of sensations it awoke in my body; pain, warmth, arousal.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
When I was finally able to use Masters token it was bliss. There is something to be said for getting extremely aroused and frustrated before being able to come. The orgasms are more powerful, your body feels the release that much more. I went from being a cranky annoying brat to peaceful, playful and fun. I felt the tension in my muscles dissolve as my body quivered and convulsed and released.
Writing this I realize how little people talk about masturbation. Its such a taboo subject. I read all these blogs and very rarely (although there are a few) do you ever see anyone write about self pleasure. They will write about anal sex, oral sex, rope play, different fetishes, sadistic tendencies but they never reveal that they masturbate. I find that fascinating. Is masturbation more taboo then telling the world you like to get tied up, spanked and taken in the ass?
I have written several posts on the subject, to me it's natural but even I have a hard time asking Master to allow me to please myself. Sometimes that's more out of a desire to keep myself in a certain state for him, but sometimes its just out of embarrassment that even though he made me come 8 times only a few days ago I need it again! My problem isn't being embarrassed about masturbating its more about coming to terms with my high sex drive. Its still so taboo for women to have a high sex drive, and it is ridiculed so much you that you start to wonder if there isn't something wrong with you, but that's a different post.
We are sexual creatures and there isn't always someone around to help you out with your sexual needs and sometimes (shhhhh, this one is really taboo) you just want to do it yourself. I mean who knows your body better than you do? If your answer was someone other than yourself than you need to lock yourself in a room and explore your body until you know it best. If I don't know what pleases me or how I like to be touched how can I tell my partner? They aren't omnipotent, sometimes they need direction. I know I find it extremely helpful when Master tells me what makes him feel good. I want to please him but I didn't always know what types of things rocked his world. Guidance can be key to having a satisfying sexual relationship.
How often do you hear people, particularly women say that their partner doesn't always know how to bring them to orgasm? I hear it all the time (women for some reason like to talk about these things when we drink). I feel sorry for these women, when I ask if they tell their partners what they want they look at me shocked. "No way" is the response I often hear, "that would be too embarrassing. " Too embarrassing? Its better to be left sexually frustrated than it is to tell the person you are engaged in one of the most intimate acts with that he/she needs to move a little to the left or you want more pressure here or there or to pull your hair? That's crazy! I know some of the more kinky stuff might be hard to discuss but no one should deny themselves pleasure because they are too embarrassed to tell their partner what gets them off.
Okay so my quick little post turned out to be a bit longer than expected but this is an important subject. Masturbation is normal! It's healthy, it has an stupid sounding name but its fun, more people should do it. And just as a little side note most of the blogs I read that do talk about this subject are written by women. I know the men out there are masturbating, so why aren't they writing about it? Just one of those interesting observations that make me wonder.
Friday, September 12, 2008
I had my revelation regarding submission over the weekend. Who knew that being on my knees holding Masters cock in my mouth while he read, did work or watched TV would turn out to be the beginning of some personal growth lesson the universe had planned for me.
This week I went to see someone about an old injury that has flared up and is causing me great amounts of discomfort and what did they say? What I need to do is surrender to the pain and injury. I keep trying to push my body to do things it can't do when this injury flares up the way it is so I need to listen to it and surrender, accept what my body is capable of at the moment.
Then I go to yoga and they talk about surrendering to the pose. If you surrender to the pose, not worry about what happens before or after, just enjoy where you are at the moment you can do it forever. Let go of any judgments, preconceived notions and just be okay with where you are in the moment.
Okay universe, I get it! I need to let go of thoughts of how I think something should be and just be okay with how they are. This should be easy right? Not so easy for someone with a type A personality that pushes herself to the limits on a daily basis. At least I have conscious awareness of it now and know what I need to do when I feel myself get antsy about something.
I'm not sure this surrender thing is working so well on my state of arousal. Master has been teasing me all week and I think if I surrender into the feelings I would come instantly. I finally got to the point where last night I was trying to subtly get Master to allow me to pleasure myself. He just chuckled and said all I needed to do was ask.
Well this is a tough one for me and I also know that just because I ask my request won't be granted (Sometimes being a slave can be frustrating). I finally broke down and asked and I could hear the smirk in his voice as he told me he would think about it. That I should try to get some sleep but if I was really having a hard time to call him back and he would allow me to come. Of course on principle I couldn't do that (my stubborn streak is really a problem sometimes!) So okay maybe I need a little more work in the area of surrender because otherwise I would have called him right back! Instead I was plagued with erotic dreams and sit here frustrated without release. I guess it's now time to let go, surrender and either accept my condition or go ask Master for release....who am I kidding I'm going to go make the most impassioned plea for release I can! I can't take it anymore, my imagination is way too vivid.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
At the beginning of August I wrote a post called Challenging Tasks where I wrote about how Master often orders me to just stay still when he is inside me, whether it is my pussy, my ass or my mouth. Holding still is like torture to me. I pout, I whine, and sometimes I just can’t do it, which is usually when I get restrained.
Holding Master in my mouth for longer than 2 minutes without getting twitchy and irritated has been even more difficult for me than when Master’s cock is impaled in my pussy and I feel a strong desire to come. I don’t know why, maybe it’s my love of oral sex but something about this task finally clicked with me this weekend. This task is more about submission than it is about sucking cock! Brilliant you say, how long did it take me to figure this one out? Well too long, I guess I was taking the whole thing too literal and not reading between the lines so to speak. It might have been easier had Master just told me this was the point of the task but I guess that would have been defeating the purpose, or maybe he did but it didn’t register because it didn’t make sense to me until that moment.
To hold Master in my mouth without much active cock sucking always made me feel like it was a pointless task. I’m a doer, give me a project and I get it done, I like to see results, but this didn’t seem to have a point and it made me crazy. This weekend the light bulb finally went off and I finally understood. It’s not about the results, or rather it is but the result wasn’t what I thought it was. It wasn’t about orgasm or having Master lovingly come down my throat, it was about submission; letting go of the need for there to be a result and just performing the task to the best of my ability. When I finally let go of thinking about how irritatingly pointless it was and how much more entertaining it would be to be moving, swirling my tongue around his cock, feeling the smooth firmness of him slide in and ….okay well you see my point.
When I let go and just focused on holding him while he read the paper. Occasionally I would have to move a bit running my tongue up and down sliding him out of my mouth until just the tip was between my lips and then all the way back down so he was buried deep in my throat, the temptation was too much. But I didn’t feel like I was on a mission when I was doing it this time, it was slower and more serene and I found myself relaxing and releasing the need for it to be any different than what it was. It was still pleasurable but in a different way, almost meditative. My mind quieted and I felt peace. It wasn’t until Master told me that I had been at this for almost 30 minutes that I was shocked.
I went from not being able to hold still for more than 2 minutes to doing it for 30! I couldn’t believe that was possible and that’s when it clicked. I had finally surrendered. I stopped struggling and gave up my need for control and embraced submission and it was blissful.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
In my position as a professional if an employee under me continued to flaunt the rules, there would come a point where I would have to draw a line and demand the rules be followed or the consequences would increase. I have learned that if you overlook someone breaking a rule however minor eventually that person learns that they may get away with more. They start to push the limits. You find this when dealing with children also. Toddlers push limits to see what they can get away with. I may hate being reprimanded, or punished, I may even voice an objection but I also know that Master is doing it because if he gives even an inch with me, I will take the advantage and use it. If I get away with one thing I will test again to see what else I can take.
Master is strict but he is also very good to me and cares for me a great deal, he doesn't hand out harsh punishments just to see me squirm like many others do and quite honestly I thought that this was not all that horrible. I have been reprimanded, and mildly punished many times in the past for these same offenses and yet I have not changed my behavior. I believe his intention was that by putting me in my place, reminding me that I answer to him and that there are rules that I am expected to follow would help to curb behavior that hasn't been modified in other ways.
I don't like disappointing my Owner and while I wasn't thrilled with my assignment I understood it. While I appreciate that some people felt that Master was being too harsh I want to remind you that this is only a small piece of our lives, you can't judge our whole relationship on one post.
I know the rules; I’ve lived with them for a while so I can’t say I didn’t remember. Although my recent indiscretions were not intentionally willful, I broke the rules. My slips ups of cursing and forgetting to address you correctly as Master while you are inside me are offenses I continue to repeat. I know that your order of publicly disclosing my disobedience and the humiliation I feel having to share my misdeeds with the people who read my blog is your way of reminding me of who I am, who I belong to and who I serve.
Apparently I am having a hard time adhering to these rules, and forget my place too often. I understand that the offenses while minor in nature continue to be broken and a reprimand has not worked in the past so the punishment is harsher this time. I know that it is your right to correct my behavior however you see fit. I can't say I'm thrilled with any type of punishment I mean who likes to be punished? The best I can do is be accepting of my punishment, submit to your will and (hopefully) learn from it.
I am very sorry Master forgive me.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I’m not perfect I can’t say I’ve been 100% honest in my past relationships, but I strive for it with Master. If I can’t be honest with him even when I’m embarrassed by my revelation or know that my honesty will probably inhibit my goal then I’ve just thrown trust out the window. Not to mention that while my lie may grant me a temporary reprieve it’s bound to get me in the end. It’s not worth it.
Along with honesty comes transparency which I feel is slightly different. Transparency can be brutal and for me is much harder to achieve. I don’t know if anyone is capable of 100% transparency, I’m not even sure if it should be expected but it’s something to strive for. Transparency and lies of omission are very similar and if I could accurately voice what the differences are to me I would but I’ve haven’t been able to come up with anything that would be clear when written down.
Imagine if holding back wasn’t an issue, if you felt secure enough to be completely transparent with someone, totally open about all matters, your life laid out as an open book for someone to read without burying information under confusing prose, metaphors or footnotes that no one reads anyway. What would that be like? It’s a little scary to think of someone knowing me that well but it would be awfully freeing. There are only a handful of people (well actually less than that if I am to be completely honest) that know me anywhere close to this point. There are little places that I hold back, keep to myself, places that I call my own, things I don’t share. I’m sure many people think they know me inside and out but they really only know a piece. I’m sure many of these people would be shocked to find that I’m a slave, couldn’t imagine me handing my power over to someone else not to mention the other images that being a slave conjure up for people.
When I think of everyone that knows me and I take into account the length of time that I have known Master as well as my other friends, he probably knows more about me than anyone else. I still find it hard to open up all the way, lay my feelings on the line, and share what’s going on in my head but it’s getting easier. Do I think I can achieve full transparency? I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s even possible. But I know that I have never felt a desire to reach for it before now.
So when people say negative things about M/s relationships I have to shake my head in wonder. How could something that leads you to strive to be a better person to make your Owner proud be a bad, sick, twisted or perverse? Oh I know not all M/s relationships are healthy but then again neither are all vanilla ones.
Monday, September 1, 2008
I took his word for it as my body adjusted to the full feeling, it made me want to move, to feel it move in and out of me, it was like an itch that needed to be scratched. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to bear it out in public, the constant stimulation. Master came to stand beside me but facing me, leaning against the wall. He slipped his hand between my legs and ran his fingers through my wetness.
“Good girl, nice and ready for me. Do you think you can maintain your composure?”
“I don’t know Sir, I will try Sir.” I said my fingers gripping the rail so tight I was afraid it would break.
“Good girl” he said.
From the front we probably looked like we were just carrying on a conversation. Master calming leaning back against the railing, me facing the street, but looking at him. The difference was that his fingers were expertly sliding through my wetness, circling my clit making my legs shake and quiver. The plug in my ass was raising the sensations in my body making everything seem so much more intense. My breath started coming a little faster; I squirmed pressing my hips into his hand wanting more pressure, wanting to feel his fingers slip inside me. I could feel my face slipping from neutral to one of glazed desire.
“Maintain slave, do you want the neighbors to know what a little slut you are? Do you want them to know what is happening? If that’s the case why don’t I just take you right here? Would you like that? Just bend you over and take what’s mine right here on the porch in full view of everyone?”
“No Sir, please not that.” I said blushing. Somewhere in my head I didn’t believe that he would actually do that, he liked his privacy, but you never know. He often surprised me with some of the boundaries he was willing to push. I struggled to pull myself together, to maintain an outward appearance of calm but it was becoming increasingly difficult.
“Is it up to you?” he asked
“No Sir. This body belongs to you, and you can use it whenever you want, however you want.” I said.
“That’s right, remember that slave.” He said as he slid two fingers inside of me.
I moaned and angled my body toward him moving my hips in time with his hand. I could feel the pressure building inside me. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could maintain this charade. I didn’t know if I could stand here and pretend nothing was happening as my body shattered with desire. I’ve always been told that I was easy to read. That I couldn’t hide my emotions and this was one emotion that I knew would be difficult to mask.
My lips parted as I gasped for breath. I wanted more, faster, harder, the desires becoming stronger. Master stood up straight, and angled his body in front of mine, pulling me in for an embrace, his hand still between my legs.
“Good girl, slave, you stood there longer than I expected. Are you ready to come for me?”
“Yes Master”, I mumbled my face buried in his chest, my arms wrapped tightly around him. I knew all it would take was his permission and I would crumble, slipping into an abyss of pleasure.
“Come for me slave, but remember where you are.”
My body exploded and I practically climbed into his arms. As my body contracted around his fingers and the plug in my ass, I pressed my body into his needing to feel him deeper inside me, not wanting it to end. I threw caution to the wind and became the inner slut in me rode his fingers, not caring who saw me. His body was in front of me though protecting mine from being seen from the street but at that point I didn’t notice and didn’t care, I just knew I didn’t want him to ever stop doing what he was doing. My knees gave out and if it wasn’t for his arms wrapped around me I would have collapsed. I was panting and sobbing from the strain of trying to be quiet, something I am never good at and why I often wind up gagged.
Finally the sensations started to disperse. The muscles in my legs while still weak would now hold me. His arms loosened around me. He kissed the top of my head and slid his fingers out of my pussy. I groaned hating the vacant sensation he left when he did that.
“Thank you Master.” I mumbled.
“You are very welcome slave.” He said. “Lets go inside I have another treat for you.”
I leaned back and looked up at him as he took my hand and pressed it to the front of his pants so I could feel the hardness of his cock. But before I could react he spun me around a hand gripping the back of my neck firmly and walked me into the bedroom, the plug in my ass causing little shudders of desire to build with each step and a moan to escape my lips. I didn’t know what other pleasures or pain awaited me once we passed through the door to our home but I had no doubt that whatever it was I would happily oblige.