Thursday, August 21, 2008

What do you find is the most difficult part of being a slave?

I took this question off one of the Fetlife boards because it intrigued me and I wanted to explore it.

For me it's trust, I’ve written plenty about my challenge with trust but that is such an all encompassing term that covers so much. When I break it down there are different things that I trust without question and others that I struggle with.

What I trust is:

  1. I trust that Master will not physically hurt me on purpose, accidents do happen though.
  2. I trust that Master will not share photos or information about me that could jeopardize my career.
  3. I trust that Master will not judge me by any emotions that I have regarding our relationship.
  4. I trust Master to not force me into a situation that could be dangerous.
  5. I trust Master not to purposefully hurt me emotionally, in other words, he may do something that hurts me emotionally but I trust that he didn't do it intentionally to cause me pain and that there is some remorse for what I am experiencing.
  6. I trust that Master will be there for me if I need him.

What I am struggling with is:

  1. Complete transparency, I’m used to hiding things out of fear of judgment or rejection.
  2. Sharing my emotions with Master immediately out of fear of rejection or loss
  3. Asking for what I want – Sometimes I feel that by asking I’m being a selfish slave but I know that Master can’t read my mind so in order to get what I want I need to ask, otherwise I get moody when he hasn’t figured it out. Once I ask I know that I put the decision of fulfilling my wish in my Owners hands.
  4. Letting go of insecurities – that would be so healthy it’s scary.

I realize #3 on the top list and #2 on the bottom seem to contradict each other and I’ve sat here and tried to write about what I feel are the differences but I can’t get it to make the same sense on paper as it does in my head. I think the bottom line is just because you don’t judge someone by how they are feeling doesn’t mean that your reaction to those emotions won’t prompt you to make choices that may lead to loss or rejection. I think that’s as clear as I can possibly make it.

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