Monday, November 24, 2008


I adore when Master indulges me and allows me to take his hand and run it over my body, across my breasts, down my belly, across my hips and ultimately between my legs. Pushing his fingers inside me, the heel of his hand hitting just at that sweet spot a little higher up, my body responding to his touch, yet its my touch as well, as I am guiding his hand. With my hand on his I guide the movement of his fingers, the speed, the pressure, while he whispers in my ear, egging me on telling me how sexy I look, or commenting on how wet I am. The knowledge that he can feel my body responding to his comments makes it all the more delightful.

Its interactive masturbation, it’s fantasy come to life. He gets to experience what I enjoy, learning the secrets of my body, how fast or slow I like it, how much pressure and where and I get the pleasure of knowing that it’s his hand that is pushing me toward ecstasy. Of course writhing around on the bed moaning is a huge turn on for both of us so as I inch closer to the point of no return, he will occasionally become a little more interactive, but not too intrusive to this somewhat solo exploration, bending close to capture one of my nipples in his mouth, making me arch up off the bed in sweet bliss or pressing his body hard against mine, his hips grinding into my ass, my hips.

That usually does it, the last piece of the puzzle that pushes me past that edge to where I can’t hold back anymore, sending me to the slightly scary place of totally surrender, where there is no control, only pleasure, where my body takes over and my mind is pushed to the side. There is no beginning and no end when I reach this point, I am just raw emotion.

Friday, November 21, 2008


I kneel fully clothed, my hands behind me, my back straight, my knees slightly parted, my eyes focused downward in submission. I feel Masters gaze on me from where he sits across the room. Internally I squirm, under his watchful eye wishing I was naked. It is easier for me to embrace my role as slave when I am naked with a collar around my neck.

When I am naked I am the slave that bows to the will of my Master, dressed I feel in charge, like I am the boss, but this is an illusion, my status doesn’t change with the clothes I wear. I am his slave, dressed or undressed. So I sit, waiting. Waiting and learning. Learning to release my need for control, remembering who I answer to, who I relinquished my control to when I accepted his collar around my neck.

Time passes slowly while the internal struggle wages war inside me.“I am a responsible grown woman, a leader, not a follower; I don’t answer to anyone, they answer to me. I should get up; I don’t need to stay here. He can’t make me, he won’t make me, and it’s not like he is holding me down.” My mind twists and turns with these thoughts but I don’t get up, I don’t move. I stay where I am, on my knees, eyes down. Why?

I do it not because I have to but because I want to. I do it to satisfy something inside me that craves not having to make all the decisions. I do it because there is nothing more freeing than letting go of who you think you are and just being. With those thoughts I stop fighting, relax and release.

Master can sense when I have let go. He stands up and walks to me; I watch his legs as he approaches and shiver in anticipation. He puts his hand on my head and runs his fingers through my hair. “Good girl” he says “Stand up.”

I stand, tears forming in the corners of my eyes not in sadness but in relief, in appreciation. He leans in, wraps his arms around me and kisses me as a tear slides down my cheek. I am happy, I am cared for, I am a slave, yet I am free.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Breaking Through

How do you serve when you feel miserable? I don’t mean physically sick, just mentally yucky. It’s tough to want to do anything when you feel depressed. I know I struggle with going to work, taking care of other obligations etc. All I want to do is curl up and hide from the world but if you’re a slave your options to hide away in misery may be limited. A Master can’t force a slave to be happy, no one can actually force another person to be happy, and you might think that expecting someone to serve when they feel this way is cruel but actually it can be quite liberating. It really depends on the situation and the Master.

For me, when I’m sad or depressed my libido suffers, my usually erotic thoughts dry up and I’m lucky if porn would make me wet. So the idea of serving sexually can sometimes be overwhelming, I mean who feels attractive when they have been crying for hours? But somehow my body reacts differently, to the sound of Masters voice. I’m not sure what it is but it’s like I’m hypnotized. I drift to this more calm state, which allows thought that would have made me cringe a moment ago seem not so impossible. It’s not the same level of reaction he would achieve if I wasn’t in this low place but the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand and suddenly things don’t seem as insurmountable and parts of my body that I thought would never come alive again decide they want to play.

Occasionally I will drift back into my head dragging out what made me depressed to begin with and they’re not always easy to push past. I’m sure when this happens I become a distant, and stop paying attention to what task I am supposed to be performing, but a tug on my hair, or a swat on my ass usually brings me back to the here and now.

Maybe that’s the key. Serving makes you live in the now, no past, no future, you have to focus on what is happening in the moment. In pushing everything aside you achieve what some people call “subspace” but what I feel is just a more meditative place that allows you to let go and surrender to either a person or to yourself.

Anyone can achieve it; it doesn’t have to be under sexual or bdsm circumstances. I’ve achieved this sensation alone in meditation, it’s a place where your mind slows down, and you surrender to just being. It’s incredibly peaceful, unfortunately it’s also difficult to achieve when you are wallowing in misery, that’s when it’s nice to have a Master who can ease you into that place without much coaxing. But that can also be a crutch and will eventually stop working. At some point it is up to you to pull yourself back from the edge, and find peace with what is plaguing you, so that you don’t slide back into the abyss.

Saturday, November 8, 2008


Life can often be challenging and recently mine has been kicking me in the butt. It seems that I just keep getting hit with one thing after another, sick (hospitalized) friends, manipulative exes that get under your skin, and more - don't worry things with Master are wonderful its the other aspects of my life that are playing havoc with me. Master suggested I "do something to clear my head of all of it". I pulled out a book by one of my favorite authors who usually helps me to see things in a new light and he started speaking to me - since I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who finds life a struggle at times I thought I would share some of my finds:

"The roller coaster is my life; life is a fast dizzying game; life is a parachute jump; its taking chances, falling over and getting up again; it's mountaineering; it's wanting to get to the very top of yourself and to feel angry and dissatisfied when you don't manage it."

"It is necessary to run risks. We only properly understand the miracle of life when we allow the unexpected to happen."

"When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change."

"The tests can become harder than one imagined. But they are necessary in order to learn. And each of them brings us closer to the realization of our dreams."

Often, during combat, the warrior of light receives blows that he was not expecting. And he realizes that during war, his enemy is bound to win some of the battles. When this happens, the warrior of light weeps bitter tears and rests in order to recover his energies a little. But he immediately resumes the battle for his dreams"

"I bear many scars, but I also carry with me moments that would not have happened if I had not dared to go beyond my limits."

"Carry in your memory, for the rest of your life, the good things that came out of your difficulties. They will serve as a proof of your abilities and will give you confidence when you are faced with other obstacles."

"Seize every opportunity that life offers you because when opportunities go they take a long time to come back."

"The secret lies in the present - if you pay attention to the present, you will be able to improve it. And if you improve the present whatever happens afterwards will be better too. Each day brings us Eternity."

- quotations from Life by Paulo Coelho

Tuesday, November 4, 2008


I tilt my head back letting the water pour directly on my face and down my back. I run my hands through my wet hair. I was hoping the cold shower would help me calm down but it isn’t helping. I keep imagining Masters hands running over my naked body.

I reach for the soap and run soapy hands down my breasts, across my belly.I stop there knowing that if I move further south I will have a hard time controlling myself. My body is burning for Masters touch, his gaze, his attention. I stand back under the spray of the water rinsing myself off and try to redirect my mind to other things. I start making a list of all the things I need to do today, go to the dry cleaner, pick up something for dinner, fill up my gas tank…..beg and plead for Master to release my overwhelming desire. I sigh and shut off the water, knowing that no matter what I do it’s not going to help.

My nipples harden as I step out of the tub into the cool bathroom and reach for a towel. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been allowed to come. At first it wasn’t so difficult, I could distract myself with work, chores, immersing myself in one task or another to keep my mind at bay. But the more I know it’s not allowed the more I want it. The more I crave it. The ache between my legs grows fiercer by the day. I find myself squirming in my chair at work hoping that if I “accidentally” come that it won’t count as a betrayal, a blatant defiance to Master’s demands.

I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I don’t know who I think I’m kidding, I couldn’t do that. I want to please Master. I need to please Master. I take great pride and pleasure in serving him. Sometimes it can be frustrating but in the end the pain and frustration are rewarded.

I wrap myself in a big fluffy pink robe and wander out to the bedroom to dress trying to think of other ways to distract myself. I stand before the closet trying to figure out what my day is going to be like so that I can figure out what to wear. My mind wanders and I stand there staring at nothing.

“Clothes don’t pick themselves” Master said from behind me.

I gave a little squeal and jumped. I had thought he left. I started to turn around but he grabbed my hair tightly and held me in place.

“Have you been a good girl?”

“Yes Sir.” I said

“Are you sure?” He asked “You were in the shower for a long time.” He pulled me back into his body holding me against him, his other hand untying the sash of my robe, his warm hand sliding over my breasts, his fingers rolling and teasing my nipples.

I whimpered sinking back into him. “I’m sure Master. It crossed my mind to disobey but I didn’t want to disappoint you Sir.”

“You would be disappointing yourself slave.” He said.

“Yes Sir, you’re right Sir.” I said softly, as I lost myself to the sensations his hand was creating in my already heated body.

His hand on my hair tightened as he pulled me upward so I was standing on tiptoe then he turned me and walked me over to the bed. He released me, half pushing, half throwing me so I was bent over the side of the bed. He raised the back of my robe exposing my ass to the cool air. The sting of his hand surprised me, I wasn’t anticipating a spanking and I jumped with surprise.

“Hold still slave” He said.

I tried to hold still as his hand came down hard again on my ass.I could feel the heat forming where his hand had struck me and tried hard not to wiggle. Master knows that spankings turn me on. There is something so naughty about spankings, being bent over, exposed and vulnerable. Every now and then his hand would strike me low his fingers slightly grazing my wetness. I had thought I was excited before but now I was so swollen it was almost painful, moisture was slowly running down my thighs and my breath was coming faster. If he continued I wasn’t sure what would happen. I had never come from being spanked before but then I had never been this aroused before.

Whimpering and groaning I buried my face in the bed. I was trying so hard to stay still but it was becoming more difficult. I was arching my back into his hand, wanting more, needing more. I was completely lost to the sensations.

I hadn’t realized he had stopped his assault until I felt him part my legs, and grab my hips as he impaled himself inside me. I screamed from the delicious sensations that went rippling through my body fogging my senses.

"I need to come Master” I gasped.

“Hold it slave.”

“I don’t know if I can, it’s too much, its been too long. Please Sir, please, I can’t hold back.” I begged.

Master grabbed my hair, “While your begging is nice, you will hold back.” He said harshly. “You are not a free woman, you are owned and you come when I tell you to come. Is that understood?” He asked as he continued to force himself in and out of me the sensations almost painful but I wanted more. I wanted him deeper, faster, harder.

Tears sliding down my cheeks I answered “Yes Master.” The sensations were becoming too intense I was losing my grip on reality and falling further into sensation. My body was betraying me overriding my will and I knew I couldn’t hold back any longer. As if he could sense my point of no return I heard in the distance “Now slave, come now.”

Time stood still as my body convulsed around him, shivers of ecstasy clouded my vision, the nerves in my body were so raw that every sensation seemed magnified tenfold. A simple touch left me whimpering and shaking uncontrollably. I was sobbing; my breath was coming in great big gasps. I felt completely raw and vulnerable, like a newborn experiencing the world outside the womb for the first time. It was too much.

I must have passed out or fallen asleep because when I became conscious again I was under the covers, my robe gone and Masters arms wrapped protectively around me. I reached up and touched his arm.

“Are you okay slave?” he asked.

“I think so Sir. I’m not sure what happened. I’m sorry I guess it was just too much, it overwhelmed me.”

“I think you need to be overwhelmed sometimes, being overwhelmed helps you. It forces you to be vulnerable, to face that fear. Your fear of losing control is held too tightly, you need loosen it and release the fear behind and surrender. I can expect surrender from you but I can’t force it from you. I will guide you, show you the path but you need to let go and you have to trust that I will be there to catch you if you need it.” He said.

The tears started running down my cheeks again as I thought about that for a while. He was right. It always amazes me that Master can get inside my head like that. I still have such a hard time with trust. I think that I trust but then when I really look at it I realize that deep down there is a fear that says that it’s an illusion. That to trust means getting hurt. I have always found it weird that Master seems to know what I needed before I do half the time, but I also feel very fortunate. I know I’m beginning to let go, that Masters patience and steady hand are guiding me down this dark scary path, I guess it’s now my job to pry my fingers off the safety line and truly let go and trust that he will be there to catch me if I stumble. I shivered and snuggled closer closing my eyes and sinking into the security of his arms, thinking I’ll get right on tha, tomorrow, my fingers were too raw from the rope being yanked out of my hands today. Maybe they will be too sore to grip it tomorrow.

Sunday, November 2, 2008


It was a long and amazing vacation. I saw amazing sights that blew my mind and despite the knowledge that I could share these moments through my camera with Master once I got home, I still had my moments of melancholy. It was bittersweet to be home, back to the day to day grind of work, instead of the laid back schedule I had kept for the last two weeks. While there are quite a few things that make me wish I was still away a reunion with Master definitely made me happy to be home.

I have always found that reunions after an absence can go one of two ways, either you find out that the separation was probably for the best, realizing that all the intimate fantasies you had while you were apart were just that fantasies and the thought of acting on them just isn't there once you are face to face. Or you rediscover what drew you to the other person to begin with. Your heart beats faster, and all those fantasies you had while you were away come to life.

My reunion with Master followed the second category. It was blissful to once again serve as Master's plaything, cock ornament and come slut. It was wonderful to feel his hands traveling over my body, spanking me, pinching my nipples or gently caressing my hip. His breath on my neck as he whispered in my ear, his fingers wrapped in my hair pulling it tight sent shivers down my spine. Taking him in my mouth, made me squirm and whimper with desire. Feeling him inside me was like a little slice of heaven on earth.

Am I happy to be home? Absolutely.