Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Holiday Wishes

I wanted to stop by and say thank you to all of you who have written to me making sure that I am okay. I am doing fine, life has just been very busy. I have been out of the country and involved in a very big project overseas so I have not had a lot of free time to write lately. I do think of you and this blog often and feel sad that I've neglected it. Hopefully soon I will be back to writing and expressing myself. I know I've said that before and each time I truly mean it, maybe this time it will actually happen.

I hope that everyone has a wonderful holiday season, and a joyous new year. May it be filled with erotic dreams and fantasies and may all your kinky wishes come true.

Peace to all, love to all!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

A long time gone....

Geez it's been a long time since I've sat at this computer. It seems the summer just slipped right on by. I've spent the last few hours catching up on blogs and reading about what has changed and what has not. For some there have been big momentous events and their lives are evolving others it seems are still on the same merry-go-round. Then again I often feel that way about my life as well same crap different day. Work has been all consuming as well as life. I'm not sure what direction I'm headed at the moment. I was in a huge slump not really sure which way it was going to go but it seems like it is starting to head in a good direction. So I'll keep my fingers crossed and hang on.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Forgive me readers, I know I have been absent. There have been weddings, funerals, sickness, graduations, great adventurous trips etc that have all piled up in a matter of only a few months. Luckily I am starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.

I can feel my creative juices starting to flow again. Little ideas that percolate in my head itching to get out. I'm not sure when but I will be back to share more of what my life and mind hold.

In the meantime I hope you are enjoying your summer, getting out there and experiencing the warm sunshine which there has been not nearly enough of. Or the cool rain that seems to endlessly fall around here. I stopped being miserable about the rain and have decided to embrace it. Standing in it letting it fall upon my face, feeling it soak through my clothing making it stick and cling to my body, the cool air creating goosebumps on my flesh. Feeling the sensuality of it as it kisses and slides down my body.

So go jump in a puddle, or roll down a grassy hill, go for a walk in a stream, do something childish and fun and remember what this life is supposed to be about. Experience, feel, live, we take life way too seriously most of the time. Embrace your inner child and be wild, youthful and fun. Until later....

Friday, April 24, 2009


There seems to be a lot of changes going on with people lately. I've been reading some other blogs and it seems that many people are renegotiating their relationships. Maybe it's the spring and time for renewal and the time people use to reevaluate or clean house so to speak. Who knows but its nice to see that people aren't just stagnant and staying in something because they feel they have to or holding on to a dynamic that isn't working for them any longer.

I applaud those people whose relationships are more important to them than how people will percieve them. As people evolve so do relationships. I think most bdsm relationships go through evolution. They change, waxing and waning as things come up, stress and family. It's hard to maintain a M/s relationship at all times. I think this is where the whole 24/7 argument comes in. Some believe you have to maintain the outward appearance of the M/s dynamic at all times, to me that's just not realistic. I will argue with Master get snitty and sarcastic, maybe even appear to be telling him what to do, but I also know when to back off (well usually sometimes I don't and then I get that real strict tone that reminds me to tone it down). Does this not make me a "real" slave. Who knows and really who cares. Master and I are the ones in this relationship and our definitions are what run it, not anyone elses.

I've always said that I think the M/s dynamic is more of a head game. Its how you feel. I don't need a physical collar around my neck 24/7 to know that I belong to Master. Apart, together it doesn't matter there is a connection. There were times where we were not each other's primary partners, but even then there was an undeniable bond that placed me at his feet. I know that sounds strange and is hard for most people to understand because we live in a monogomous society. I can't explain it, not sure I want to, or feel the need to. Its just the way it is for us.

So to those people who are going through growing pains, I say do what is best for you. I for one won't judge your decisions and hope you keep on writing.

Thursday, April 23, 2009


Life has been super busy lately. I haven't forgotten all of you. I will be posting some new fun things in the next few days. Thank you for the e-mails. Things are fine, life has just been a bit hectic.

Sunday, March 15, 2009


What does a slave do when she gets angry?

I have a temper I'm the first to admit it. When I get angry I get loud, and lash out. If I get very angry I explode. Its as if something comes over me and I can't quite get a grip on it until it has passed through my system. Its a problem. One that I have been working on for many years and while I have curbed it and can control it to a point once its reached that point I lose control.

Luckily Master and I don't live together and he hasn't witnessed that major melt down. We do like to debate though so he knows when he gets me riled up I get louder, more passionate about my point and more frustrated when I feel that I'm not being heard. That's when he dispassionately and in that no nonsense voices tells me to calm down. Which often doesn't work particularly the first time because that just annoys me more. Eventually I just huff and stop talking all together. Stewing to myself. Then we either have to switch topics or I need to wander away before I feel that crazy meter start to rise.

But those are just silly little debates they aren't things more personal to our relationship. We haven't really had a fight. I've been upset, we've talked and things moved on but I've never been angry, well at least not toward him. So what is a slave with a temper to do? Its not an easy thing to deal with in a vanilla relationship. As I've said, I get myself in trouble all the time when it comes to passionate debates, I get frustrated and I curse, which is a big no-no, then I get more frustrated because I know I'm breaking rules and yet I still feel like I'm not getting my point across. I can't imagine what would happen if it was something that was personal to me, actually I can imagine and it wouldn't be pretty.

Master has a temper himself, although it is rarely seen, and I can honestly say I've never seen it it full out, but I can see his frustration rise. I often wonder what would happen if our tempers both flared at the same time. WWIII is what I imagine. I guess its lucky we've never found ourselves in that situation. In the meantime I guess I just keep working, trying to find ways to keep my crazy meter from rising too much and not let the emotion overtake the reasoning side of my brain. Easier said than done I know.

Friday, March 13, 2009

An offering

I kneel naked at your feet.

My back is straight,

my knees spread,

hands behind my back.

My head is tilted to the side and bent back exposing my throat.

My breasts rise and fall with my breath,

my nipples are tight peaks,

wetness forms between my legs.

Goosebumps cover my flesh

not from being cold but the anticipation of what is to come.

I wait, vulnerable, submissive, an offering.

I am yours.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Male Submissives

Corvan's comment to my last post made me think about male subs/slaves. I can't imagine how hard it may be for some men to accept their submissive sides. I know the disgust and negativity that is directed my way when people who don't understand these urges read my blog. I would imagine it is worse for male subs.

Men who even remotely appear to answer or care about what their girlfriend or wives think are labeled as pussy whipped or weak. It's even worse for those who may have lower paying jobs than the women they live with. If they aren't the main provider they aren't fulfilling their role as the "man of the house".

Strange to think that in this day these stereotypes are still so pervasive but they continue to be perpetuated. In some ways I think female subs have may have it easier. Many D/s, M/s relationships with female subs tend to follow a more traditional old fashioned relationship where the man is in charge and the woman submits. We see images of this all the time in old movies, and tv shows, we may even see it in our families. But reverse that dynamic and how many examples do you see? Not many.

Its funny though I often hear women talking about how they wish their man would do what they say, etc...but then when they see it in action they call the woman a bitch or they can't understand why the man puts up with it. Such a double standard.

Due to all these stereotypes about the way men "should" be I can imagine it is very difficult to embrace the opposite. The comments from others alone would be enough to get so many to push these feelings aside. I would imagine that many who can't truly accept it or can't identify their submissive need often unconsciously seek out abusively domineering women and then resent them for taking the control they don't really want but are afraid to admit.

I don't know maybe that's wrong but I do have to give kudos to those male subs/slave out there who have embraced their role and the dominant women who love, care and fulfill them in and open, healthy way. Breaking free of stereotypes is never easy.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

What BDSM Has Taught Me

I know many people don't understand the M/s dynamic. They think that those of us who participate in these types of relationships are sick, perverse, crazy etc. They think that as women we are weak, being taken advantage of and have low self-esteem. (Sorry I can't speak for the male subs/slaves out there but I'm sure people say similar things).

As I've posted previously, these ideas are even present in so called "kink friendly" books when authors have a bias that she or he just can't shake. It's no wonder so many people hide their kinky side or feel that there must be something wrong with them when they first find these feelings emerge. Its hard to find positive portrayals of bdsm relationships. I am so thankful for the blogger out there who share their positive stories and bring bdsm and sub/Dom feelings out of the dungeon to share with others.

There are so many positive aspects to my relationship with Master. He has taught me so much and enriched my life in so many ways. It makes me crazy to think that so many would condemn it as sick. Master has helped me to trust, to let go of insecurities, to enjoy the moment. He has taught me acceptance of the submissive side of myself and shown me that to be a Dom/Master doesn't mean you have to be a manipulative, hurtful jerk.

I don't find myself weaker or with lower self esteem as a result of my M/s relationship in fact I feel more confident, more at ease with who I am. I am able to stop being such a control freak and let go of more things. My relationship has enabled me to realize that my need for control is really an insecurity, and by letting go I am actually more in control than when I try to micromanage.

In learning to surrender I have learned so much about myself. My inner struggles and ultimate surrender during training lessons with Master can often teach me so much about how I relate to situations outside of my relationship and learn to let things go. Surrender comes in so many forms, can mean so many different things and can teach us so much. In my quest to let go I am finding more happiness because I am not trying to juggle everything around me.

I think when people peel back the layers of the bdsm relationship they will find so much more hidden underneath. Its time for people to unshackle themselves from limiting beliefs and let go.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Fat Tuesday

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Rainy Days

I lay in bed and listen to the rhythm of the rain as it bounces off the windows, the distinct hush of the cars as they drive down the wet road. I shiver and pull the blankets up higher. The bed feels so empty, so cold. I miss your warmth pressing into my back, your arms wrapped around me, the feel of your breath on my neck.

Its a lazy Sunday, a perfect day to stay inside and be tied to a bedpost, a chair or anything for that matter. But you aren't here, I'm on my own today. Thoughts of what your hands could be doing to me make me shiver. I haven't been given permission to come so I try to push these thoughts away but they keep coming back.

The sting of your hand, the whistle of a crop of whip as it slices through the air right before it stings my flesh raising red welts across my body that will fade in a few hours. The heat of my flesh after a good spanking, the cold wetness of the ice cube that you run down my back making me arch and gasp. The ache that forms between my legs begging for your touch.

My nipples harden, begging to be pinched between your fingers, or feel the tight pressure of clamps as they are fastened in place. My body arches off the bed. I want you. I know I have to stop this train of thought, its taking me to places I am not allowed to go right now. It's times like this when I feel the tightness of the collar around my throat. The knowledge that my body is not my own. It belongs to you. I squeeze my legs together only making the need worse. I sigh and fling the covers back gasping at the cold air, knowing it is exactly what I need. I need to clear my head think of other things, I get up and stagger to the bathroom, hoping a shower will help push these thoughts away. But then I start thinking of your hands slick with soapy bubbles caressing me as the water cascades across my body and realize I better make that a cold shower.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Letting The Leash Out

I was in a particularly randy mood the other day. I'm not sure what came over me but geez was I was a horny little slut. Master played me until tears formed in my eyes allowing me to come several times, it was blissful.

My take charge attitude was in attendance though and luckily Master was in an indulgent mood because there were definitely points at which I was pretty direct in what I wanted and didn't ask but just took. I occasionally see this dominant part of my personality coming through and she doesn't like the word "no". I used to get pushy and angry when I didn't get my way but I have learned that forcing the issue doesn't lead to pleasant consequences. In fact just the opposite of pleasant.

Somewhere along the way my subconscious mind kicked in and I switched tactics. My submissive side now joins the dominant side in a manipulative game of begging and tying to convince Master that its really his idea.

Of course he will usually indulge me for a short period of time and then retake the control gathering my hands behind my back, grabbing a handful of my hair tightly and holding my head still as he forces his cock down my throat to the point of gagging and keeping it there. Allowing me to build myself up to the brink only to hold my hips so I am unable to move, so that I feel his cock deep inside me, filling me making my walls twitch around him. I struggle a little, whimpering and whining while the dominant nature flees as fast as she came replaced by the twitching obedient slut that I hide underneath.

I think he lets me entertain my delusions like this sometimes because he likes to watch me pout and throw a little temper tantrum when I don't get my way. Its like loosening up on the leash of a dog to only moments later reign it in reminding the pet who is really in control. Giving that sense of freedom only to be brought back under firm control. Its frustrating, entertaining, erotic and fulfilling.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Lessons in Surrender

I sense your eyes on me and I try not to squirm. I lay on the couch on my belly in a pair of black lace panties. My knees are bent and my legs kick lazily back and forth. I am resting on my elbows my back arched as I focus on the book leaning on the arm of the couch in front of me.

It was easier before you came in the room. Easier before you sat in the chair across from me. I turn my head and look up at you through the strands of hair that have escaped the band holding the rest of it back and smile. I start to close the book but you shake your head and tell me to ignore you.

Ignore you? Yeah right.

Your eyes penetrate me burning into my skin. The hair on my arms stands up, my nipples tighten and a surge of heat rushes between my legs. I hate it when you watch me. It makes me aroused, anxious, irritated and afraid. All of my insecurities come rushing to the surface.

I want you to touch me, I want to make you touch me, but I know you won't. If you touch me I don't have to worry about what you are seeing. I don't have to wondering what I look like through your eyes. My eyes are very critical, yours are much more forgiving. Where you see beauty I see flaws.

When you touch me I can forget about your stare, I focus on the touch and get lost in the feeling.
But that's exactly why you won't touch me. Why you sit back and watch, knowing that I am squirming inside, fighting with myself to pretend you aren't there. To stop judging what you are seeing. To let go and surrender to who I am.

I look back at the book and stare at the page. Suddenly the words that were gliding together in perfect harmony only a moment ago are gibberish. The words that were forming amazing pictures that floated through my head read like a foreign language. I read the same line over and over not understanding a word.

I sigh and put my head down, my feet stop their lazy, carefree movement. I try to focus. My heart is pounding, and I feel the tears in the back of my eyes. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly trying to calm myself. It's not like you are asking me to do something I don't do every day. Its not like this is a foreign task that I don't know how to perform, so why is it so difficult?

I am self conscious of every move, every breath. It would be easier if I knew you weren't paying attention, but you are. I hear your body shift in the chair as you wait for me to compose myself. I lift my head and look at the pages, trying not to turn my head and look at you. I stare at the words through a thin film of tears.

Slowly my eyes start to roam across the words at a halted pace. Eventually my mind starts to weave the story back together. My breathing slows and my feet start to gently move back and forth again. This is surrender, although I don't realize it yet. It won't be until you say something or touch me and I remember you are there that I will have realized I let go.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

My Valentine

I have a love hate relationship with Valentine's Day. I'm not sure I understand why we need a special day set aside to show the people we care about how much they mean to us. If you don't do this all the time then you are sorely missing out.

If you are single Valentine's Day usually sucks. You have to listen to everyone around you drone on about how wonderful their SO is and what romantic plans they have and what they bought for the other person and there you are twiddling your thumbs wishing they would drop dead. A single Valentine's Day is worse then spending New Years alone. I think its because of all the hype to be in a relationship.

Corporate America has taught us that something personal, a beautiful letter, poem or note is not enough. The "true" measure of our love is in how much we spend. I just don't see it that way. I am much more impressed with a good card, or hand written note than I am some elaborate gift.

I don't need a special day to feel important to Master. He shows me that he cares all the time in the little things he does. Those are the important moments not the ones we feel brow beaten into because it is expected. If I didn't feel appreciated before Valentine's Day an expensive gift is only going to make me feel worse. Crazy huh? But its true. If I'm only worthy of appreciation one day a year when the calendar says you're supposed to tell me how much I matter to you then please don't bother. I'll take the little every day things over big elaborate hub bub any day.

The perfect Valentine's Day present? To fall asleep in Master's arms after he has roughly manhandled and ravaged me leaving me quivering, and crying blissful tears from the emotional overload. Of course some chocolate wouldn't hurt either.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Trouble With Sexperts

I was browsing through a book the other day and came across this headline: Light kink is sexy, Heavy kink is not....which got me thinking (a dangerous hobby I know).

First I wasn't sure what light kink was compared to heavy kink in the authors mind because it really differs. The author believes that "Once you go beyond anal sex, tie and tease, and fantasy S&M games -which are more about costumes than implements of torture - it isn't about sex anymore." She further went on to state that practitioners of "heavy kink" are troubled people who have negative views of sex and that if S&M play is more than occasional and leaves marks the participants need to seek help.

Wow. I was stunned. This is a woman who wrote a book about kink but doesn't seem to understand it. I guess I fall under her category of sick people who need help because my play sometimes does leave marks, and for me slavery is a mindset that goes beyond sex and the bedroom. Funny though I don't view sex negatively, I see it as something wonderful, passionate, erotic and fun.

I wasn't quite sure I understood her comment about implements of torture either. Who sets the standards of what are considered implements of torture and what are considered acceptable kink paraphernalia. I guess rope, blindfolds, cuffs, feathers, corsets and leather are okay but is a whip too much? A cane? A crop? What about nipple clamps, ball gags, anal hooks where do we draw the line?

I admit that some people's kink goes beyond what I would consider sexy, arousing, erotic and even in some cases sane but if they are happy, functioning adults I say let them be. There are too many unhappy dysfunctional people out there, if two consenting people find something that turns them on, is legal, makes them happy and doesn't interfere directly with other peoples lives why should it matter what they do? Should we stand up and tell them they are dysfunctional and need help? Isn't this the same thing that many are doing to gay and lesbians around the country and around the world? They don't understand so they label it wrong and sick, create laws against it and say they need help. Scary.

The author further goes on to state that those who are "heavily" involved in bdsm do not have wild, passionate, out of control sex. I had to laugh at this one because according to her broad definition of "heavy" kinksters, I fit this category and my sex life is pretty passionate, and has been known to be "out of control". So I'm not sure whose bedroom she is peaking in but she needs to find some new friends.

She compared those into "heavy" kink to fundamentalist Christians because of their rigid adherence to rules. Okay I'm not in total agreement with this statement but I can understand where she got this perception. I've run across people who had more rules than I could wrap my head around and lived by a strict set of guidelines but I'm not sure they would consider themselves so rigid they were unadventurous and that their sex was so choreographed that it was passionless and rigid. (Where do people come up with this stuff!)

It makes me sad that people continue to perpetuate the idea that bdsm is dysfunctional and sick. Books like this that seem to promote kink as something normal and okay but have a very judgemental view on what is acceptable and what is not. In reading the different stories you can feel the authors judgement of some of the people she interviewed. She is touted as a renowned sex author but I guess you need to fit into her mold in order to be considered "healthy". Oh she brings to light many different fun stories but there is this underlying tone that made me shiver and not in a good way!

Just the simple letters bdsm strikes outrage in so many. They can't fathom that functional people can be into it. They see it as a fringe society where we dress goth all the time and don't live normal lives. They can't fathom that the stay at home soccer mom likes to be spanked, called a slut and made to crawl, or that the male executive down the hall likes to be mastered by a Domme, who sodomizes him and makes him lick her boots, or that grandmother playing at the park with her grandchildren might owned and spends her nights collared on her knees with a cock down her throat. To so many, bdsm is relegated to back room sex clubs where naughty perverted sex addicts abuse each other, it isn't something "normal" people do.

When I come across books like this I am happy that there are blogs and other material out there that sheds a more positive light on bdsm. That in our own ways we are helping to dispel the myths that surround bdsm. There are always the crazy few that make their way into the headlines and shed a negative light on anything but as more of us speak we are hopefully creating more understanding. I'm not trying to say that kink is the only way, and everyone should drop their vanilla ways, but my hope is to shed some light on it and hopefully promote more understanding so that it doesn't continue to be labeled as sick, dysfunctional and abusive anymore.

Saturday, February 7, 2009


I lay on side on the bed in my panties and bra.
"Push your thoughts aside and just feel" he says.
The rough sensation of his hand against my skin makes me tingle.
I love he way his fingers gently dancing across my flesh right before he pinches or slaps me.
"Close your eyes"
I do as I'm told, laying there my eyes shut focusing on his touch.
Across my belly, my hips, down my thighs, his hands go where they want after all I am his.
He doesn't ask when he pulls my panties down in the back exposing my ass.
I feel naughty, exposed, my panties half off his hand kneading and parting the rounded cheeks of my ass.
I push back into him which must have been what he was waiting for since when he achieved it his hands moved on.
Back up across my belly traveling to my breasts.
I reach back to unhook it for him but he stops me.
"Relax, if I want it off I'll take it off."
His hand reaches under my bra, gripping my breast.
His fingers rolling and gently flicking my nipple. First one then the other.
I don't want him to stop.
It feels so good.
I want to press my breasts harder into his hands but don't worried it will make him stop like it did when he had his hands on my ass.
After a few moments though I lose that precious control and my body takes over, my brain shuts down.
I press my chest forward.
When his hand slips from under my bra I make a soft whimper.
I knew it was going to happen but I had hoped it wouldn't stop.
His hand makes its way slowly back to my ass where he begins to gently spank me.
The strikes are more like pats but begin to increase in strength.
I feel the heat building within me.
I can imagine the redness of my flesh under his hand.
I wiggle and push back even though each sting of his hand increases in pain.
I can't help it I want more.
My flesh feels alive, tingling, flushed with heat.
All too soon he stops and pulls me tight against him.
I feel his hardness pushing against my ass.
I push back but he stills me with a firm grip on my hips.
"Not yet" He says.
And his hand moves back up to caress my belly, his fingers slipping into the front of my panties teasing me as they quickly slide back out.
He pulls my panties down the rest of the way tossing them aside.
His hands now roam free his fingers softly tickling the inside of my thigh, grazing across my clit and then quickly away.
He cups his hand between my legs, one finger slipping briefly between my lips feeling my wetness.
I wiggle wanting more but he holds me where I am.
His hand tightens slightly, "this is mine along with the rest of you, I know you want more but right now I am enjoying my exploration. This may be all you get. I havent' decided if I will allow you more or if I will use you today. Perhaps I will just tease you today and use you tomorrow."
I whimper, pushing into his hand.
"Be good and I may change my mind and use you sooner rather than later although I do like the thought of you walking around all day with wet panties."
"Please Master" I whisper.
"We shall see." he said as he thrust two fingers deep inside me and then quickly removed them.
I whimpered and groaned knowing that it was going to be along day.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Cage Of My Own Making

It's so interesting how the mind works. I find that when I break a rule or misbehave in some way I wind up punishing myself far more than Master ever could. I dwell on it, try to figure out the motive behind it, try to see if there is some unconscious thought behind it. Then I just wind up making myself miserable and in my head. As I've said before, I think too much.

I have to state that it doesn't only happen within the context of my relationship with Master, its something I struggle with in other aspects of my life as well. So how to break this cycle? Well I guess its about forgiveness. Forgiveness of self. Not always an easy thing to do.

I am hard on myself. When I mess up I internalize it, which I know is self destructive. Maybe it stems from childhood with an overcritical family. Whatever it is I need to learn to let go. Ahh there we go, forgiveness and surrender, my two biggest challenges in life.

I know that when I struggle and go through my internal battle with whatever task or situation I am in with Master, I rail and scream and then give in and surrender, realizing the freedom in it. But then later when I think back on it I beat myself up about the process. Okay not always, but occasionally. I think it depends on the situation or how hard the surrender was for me. Sometimes I surrender when I have an "ah ha" moment when something clicks and it makes sense, other times its just about me letting go and trusting...thats when I think I have the hardest time. Then I struggle to forgive myself the battle, for some reason assuming that just because I've been a slave for a long time I should automatically just give in, my personality should change and surrender should come easy.

Or maybe its not about forgiveness and its just about surrender without judgment. Its so easy to talk or think about just letting these thoughts and feelings pass through my head without judgment. It would also be healthier than what I do. To just acknowledge that I have these feelings, that they are there, that its okay and move on. Surrendering to the thoughts and realizing the freedom in not having to label them or process them or figure them out...just letting them be.

Perhaps for me, I have to go through forgiveness to get to this place where I can watch without judgement. Forgive myself the need to label and analyze things, then watch as the labels disappear when I don't give them the significance that they once had. Breaking free of the cage of my own making, not the chains that bind me to Master but the ones I've forged on my own.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Broken Rules

I haven't been the best slave recently, I've broken one of my main rules (cursing) at least 3 times in the last 2 days. It's like my brain shut off and I can't stop myself. I do it, I realize I just messed up and I hope that Master didn't catch it. Of course he always does. I'm not sure what's going on, I know this is a hard rule for me but I'm usually not this bad. The other piece is that when I would slip up before I would acknowledge it and apologize immediately, now I cross my fingers that he didn't hear it. Whats up with that?

When I sit back and analyze it I get all in my head and get even more confused. Do I want to be punished? Am I unconsciously pushing a limit to see what happens? Is it truly just a slip up? Is there just a thing?

I don't know, I just know something has to change. I feel like I've been walking around with my head in the clouds. Maybe that's why its happening, I'm looking for grounding. Life has been quite chaotic (well more than usual) and my head has been spinning with questions I just don't have the answers to, or maybe I do and just don't want to listen to them.

Maybe these small acts of defiance are my subconscious mind seeking grounding. A way to get out of my head and back in my body. Or maybe I'm using it as a way to escape (not in a good way more in an avoidance way) what's going on in my head hoping that my "slip ups" will lead to physical punishment that will help me avoid my mental junk.

Or maybe I just think too much.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Happily Content

I lay on the bed excitement and nervousness coursing through me. Master told me earlier that he was going to crop me later but you never know with him, he could have just been saying that to excite me and stir me up or he could have meant it. Lying there I was torn between hoping he meant it and nervous. I love Master's crop. I love the way it feels when the leather stings my ass with that sharp snap, I love it when he drags the tip of it across my body, or tickles my nipples with it. I know the pain it is capable of causing and yet I crave it.

I heard Master enter the bedroom and my body tensed not knowing what to expect. I heard the whistle before I felt the sting and my body tensed, exactly what I knew it shouldn't do because it always hurt worse when it did. It wasn't Master's crop it was his flogger and it whistled in the air again and again as stung my back, my ass and the back of my thighs. I lay there willing myself to relax into the feeling but it was difficult. He ran his cool hand down my back every now and then admiring the color and just when I thought another round would begin I felt a familiar tickle on my back as Master ran his crop up my back and then down again. As it reached my ass I couldn't help from wiggle a little and then I felt its bite. Again and again rotating between the two Master whipped me until I looked like I had just stepped out of a tanning booth. The heat on my back increasing with each stoke. I waffled between pain and arousal not knowing whether I wanted him to stop and take me or keep going and prolong my torment.

Master did stop eventually and lay down on the bed allowing me to hungrily lick, suck and worship his cock. I knelt beside him my ass within easy reach in case he wasn't finished cropping me. My body was pleasantly tingling from the beating and feeling Masters hardness between my lips was making me squirm with desire. I wanted him inside me but knew I was going to have to wait. As I tended to my task I felt a tickle between my thighs and Master told me to open my legs for him. I obeyed and was rewarded by the feeling of the leather tip of Masters crop grazing my clit. I gasped and began moving my hips back and forth. He slid the leather further between my legs making me straddle the crop and then he began to slide it back and forth in time with my hips creating a lovely friction against my clit, the feel of the shalft gliding between my legs as I coated it in my slick wetness. Master only allowed a slight pressure driving me crazy making me want to ride it harder, and getting me wetter.

Master praised me telling me what a good slut I was, telling me how he wanted me really wet which was no problem with his crop riding me to the edge. Finally he pulled his cock out of my mouth, smacked my ass and told me to climb on top. I quickly jumped up and impaled myself on his cock, driving him deep within me. I faced away from him my hands between his legs as he thrust in and out of me riding me using my hips as handles, and occasionally gripping my ass hard and giving it a smack. My long curly hair dangled in my face as he road me hard making me feel wild and wanton. I struggled to hold back until I heard him quietly tell me to come for him, and I did, so quickly in fact it was almost defiant. I moaned and bucked as my orgasm ripped through my body and I felt him empty himself inside me. I was sweaty and sore but I was happily content as I collapsed lying there panting, Master still deep inside me.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Another Rant

Okay I usually don't like spouting about my political views but I am stunned by this latest "gift" from the current and thankfully soon to be gone administration. Apparently in December the Bush administration pass a rule limiting the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information when they visit a federally funded health care provider. It would allow individual health care providers to redefine abortion to include the most common forms of birth control and then refuse to provide these basic services. WTF!(sorry Master I will take any punishment for that one it is the only way to express the outrage I am feeling at this moment).

How does this affect me you may wonder? Well now anti-choice medical staff can withhold information about abortion, birth control and sex education from their patients. Facilities that receive federal funding such as Planned Parenthood will have to certify that they will not refuse to hire nurses and other providers who object to abortion and even certain types of birth control. So now a doctor who opposes pre-marital sex could refuse to provide a prescription or even information about emergency contraception to an unmarried woman.

Planned Parenthood is currently filing a lawsuit asking the court to invalidate this administrative regulation. But this will unfortunately not be an easy fight. Planned Parenthood is also asking the Obama administration to overturn this ruling immediately. You can sign a petition to reverse this action here.

For any health provider to intentionally withhold information about any treatment options from a patient for any health condition is absolutely unconscionable under any circumstances. It’s outrageous that President Bush used his last days in office to implement a rule that would limit the rights of patients to receive complete and accurate reproductive health information and the sad part is that so many people aren't even aware that it happened! I mean its half way through January and I just found out about it! Please get the word out and help overturn this absurd ruling.

To read the NY times article from Nov. 2008 about this click here

For more links to articles about this click here

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


It seems that communication, or lack of communication has been stirring up a lot of people's relationships recently. There are blog posts, and board topics popping up everywhere about it...maybe its the time of year for this type of thing but it's interesting that so many people are dealing with this issue right now. Personally I think the stress of the holidays and the economic crisis facing the country and hitting all of our wallets is a huge contributing factor but nevertheless, I think communication issues are things that plague all relationships again and again.

I really try to communicate right away with Master when something starts to bother me or nag at me but sometimes I just can't seem to find the words. That's when I get in my head. Is it me? Did I do something? Then I reverse it with thoughts of , its just lack of sleep, its no big deal, I'm sure this will just pass. Either way I go round and round until I get the guts to say something and then it usually turns out to be nothing that a quick 2 minute conversation would have satisfied instead of spending days arguing with myself about whether or not to say something. Silly me.

Then there are the times when I just can't seem to find the nerve to bring something up in person but I can write about it. I'll send Master an e-mail, or post something here. Not the most direct type of communication, and not the most wise either but its a step. At least I'm getting it out when before I would just sit on it and stew. Its interesting, for someone so open about so many things I can also be very closed and guarded. But that's learned behavior from past experiences, and its a tough habit to break but I also know I have to try because when you close off communication you just create more problems.

I also find that there are times that I think I have the guts to bring something up but then I feel that it might not be the right time for Master. It might seem to me that he has too much on his plate at the moment and doesn't need to "deal" with my insecurities or issues so I keep my mouth shut (well at least for talking!) but now I'm wondering if I just shouldn't at least ask if its a good time to talk or mention that something is bothering me and see if its a good time. If I try to play mind reader and get it wrong, I could be getting myself in more trouble and asking seems like a much better alternative.

Then there are the other kinds of communication issues which are really about the way in which we communicate. For example I am a fixer by nature, if you talk to me and present me with a problem or issue you are having I will feel compelled to "fix" it. I am really learning how to just sit back and listen and not always offer advice or to at least ask if they want any advice but it tough. It's particularly tough when it comes to communication with Master.

Its a rough balance for me to know if I'm crossing the line into being cocky, bossy and demanding or just trying to be helpful. I know its all about tone, body language etc but that's not always easy when you are writing an e-mail, and its sometimes even difficult on the phone. I don't believe I've actually crossed that particular line (yet) but I really work at it.

I can be quite passionate about things and I do get rather wound up about certain topics, and in that regard Master has had to reign me in and tell me to chill. It's my tone more than my comments, unless of course I lapse into a stream of cursing, which does happen and gets me in a ton of trouble. Of course once in that mode it's not always so easy to turn that off, but I try.

Then there is the fact that I'm just a sarcastic and playful person. I don't do it to be disrespectful and do try to reign it in under certain circumstances but sometimes I just can't help myself and something slips out, but its usually meant in a fun light. (Good thing Master has a sense of humor!) Although if I'm tired or not feeling well I can be very short, or snarky in my comments which usually gets me a look or worse.

Communication is hard work, no wonder we struggle with it!

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Title Origins

Sometimes the internet sucks you in and won't let go - like today for instance. I just couldn't let this whole "you must call me Master" stuff go....so I went on a fact finding mission.

I sometimes use Sir to address other Doms/Masters on boards as a sign of respect...sort of like calling someone Mr (fill in their last name), with people outside the bdsm community. Even though Sir is an honorific given to knights, it is also given to one of superior rank or status, which is quite fitting in the circumstances I use it in. Of course those Masters/Doms who are rude, and treat other peoples property as their own I don't feel deserve this respect or superior status. I wouldn't walk into someone elses house and start behaving as if it were mine, and I wouldn't expect someone else's pet to give me the same respect they give their owner....its the same thing.

Of course while on my search I came across the address of Mr. which is actually a shortened of the word Master, although most people think it is the shortened form of Mister, and so now the address of Master is now only used to address young boys under the age of 13. (Which is kind of funny if you think about it).

Of course as most of us know Master is also used as an honorific within the bdsm community to describe the Owner or dominant partner of a M/s relationship. On my random and quite useless search through the internet regarding these titles (can you tell I was bored today) I found this:

Usage of "Master" in most BDSM environs does not imply any specific expertise, abilities or formal training. Although the Master is understood to have authority over the slave in some sense, this never extends to one's legal rights and thus there must always be an implicit element of consent involved.

How nice of someone to realize that there needs to be an implicit element of consent for someone to be considered a Master, and since there is no implied consent on my part to those other than my Owner there should be no reasonable expectation of my calling them by that name.

I also liked this little tidbit I found....

To successfully maintain a Master/slave relationship takes abilities and skills beyond or apart from normal relationship skills.

I wonder what those other abilities and skills are? Rope tying 101, How to use a flogger?, How about where to strike your slave so it leaves the least bruises? (Or the reverse if you are into that).

Actually snarky comments aside I'm not sure I agree that maintaining an M/s relationship takes abilities beyond those of a vanilla relationship. I think it takes trust, open communication and some chemistry, not necessarily sexual chemistry either since not all M/s relationships are sexual in nature but that's a whole other topic.

None of these are necessarily a skill or ability beyond normal. So after I stopped laughing and thinking of funny skills or abilities that might be required and tried to formulate a more mature idea of what they were talking about, I found myself stumped. I just couldn't come up with anything that I thought of as an ability or skill beyond those of normal relationships that are needed to maintain an M/s relationship. If you can think of anything I'm all eyes.


Why do so many Masters/Doms think that all slaves/subs should revere them and submit to them?

In my opinion just because you identify as a Master doesn't necessarily mean that I owe you my servitude. I submit to my Master, I am polite to other Doms/Masters or at least I try to be polite, it doesn't always work. I think sometimes people think to dominate you have to be rude, impolite or put others down in order to build yourself up. I hate to break it to those people but that's not the way it works in my world and I have a bit too much dominance in me to put up with egotistical morons who think the world revolves around them just because they discovered BDSM and have designated themselves a Dom.

I think the main thing is that everyone has different rules that they need to follow, mine don't include having to submit or put on a pedestal anyone who identifies as a Master. I answer to my Master, I follow his rules, orders, and quite frankly he is the only one I care about offending or disobeying. I also do not and will not (unless ordered to) refer to anyone else as Master. If I use that title with everyone what is there to differentiate mine with all the others? To me it is a title of Ownership. Since I only have one owner I can only refer to one person as Master.

I apologize for the rant but I received one too many e-mails from patronizing SOB's telling me I don't show enough respect for other Doms in my posts on some of the boards and that since I identify as a slave I should call all dominates Master...uh I don't think so.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Almost Perfect

I was tired, cold and crashing from a carbohydrate coma from stupidly believing yummy high carb foods would keep me going...duh not, now my body was crashing. I hadn't slept well the night before, my train this morning had run 1/2 hour late and then I spent 1 1/2 hour getting to my destination and then another half hour navigating the subway system of an unfamiliar city. I was definitely verging on cranky. I partially blame myself for deciding not to drive to see Master this time but with the holidays and the traffic a relaxing train ride sounded much better and despite the minor aggravations I still think it was the right decision.

Master and I had just gotten back from running some errands and while it was the middle of the day I just couldn't bring myself to not wander into the bedroom to lay down. I lay sideways across the foot of the bed and grabbed the paper I had just brought upstairs. I wasn't sure if we were staying or leaving right away. So while my first inclination was to undress, as Master prefers to keep me, I thought I had better stay clothed in case he wanted to leave right away. I didn't want him cranky by having to wait for me.

I lay on my stomach, up on my elbows, my knees bent, toes slightly pointed and kicked my legs slowly back and forth. Master wandered into the bedroom and gave me a funny look he can't understand why I don't lay on a bed the "normal" way. I can never seem to lay on a bed straight unless its time to sleep, and even then I have a hard time. I am always diagonal or sideways or some other ways. Sometimes my head is at the end of the bed, sometimes up by the pillows, and sometimes I am standing on the floor just leaning on the bed reading a book or a newspaper, using my laptop or whatever (I know its strange, I'm quirky and I'm okay with that.)

He shooed my feet out of the way and lay down with his head propped up against the pillows watching me. I looked up at him, quickly folded the paper back up and moved it to within his reach. Master put his hand on it and told me to strip. I wasn't sure if I was in trouble or not for not having already done this, but he didn't seem upset with me. My mind wavered between apologizing for not having already done this and just keeping quiet because sometimes I tend to over think things and that gets me in worse trouble. I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again, made quick work of shedding my clothing and crawled back up on the bed next to him figuring this might be one of those times to stay silent.

I lay my head on Masters shoulder while he read the paper and absently stroked my back. It was wonderfully relaxing. We tried doing the crossword puzzle but got stumped half way through sometimes it's hard to come up with a four letter word for a sword that starts with an e, especially when your mind starts wandering toward other more vigorous activities. (Btw the answer would be epee)

Master put the paper down and gave my ass a few soft taps followed by a few more forceful slaps. The stinging pain quickly snapped me out of my drowsy half sleep, making parts of my body flush and take notice. I maneuvered my body sideways to better accommodate him. (I swear it had nothing to do with the fact that I really enjoy being spanked!) My ass was stinging within a few moments, each blow arousing me further and making me wince, twitch and whimper. I moved my head toward his lap hoping he would allow me to hold his cock in my mouth while he continued his assault upon my ass.

He seemed to be in an accommodating mood because I quickly found his warm flesh between my lips and halfway down my throat. I groaned in appreciation as I ran my tongue up and down while sliding him in and out of my mouth. My body was on fire and I was becoming lost to the sensations. Master grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled my head up leaving a trail of drool running down my chin.

"Come here." He said and pulled me down next to him my ass pressed against his hard cock. "Open your legs" he ordered and I quickly obeyed, helping him slide inside me making me whimper and press back taking him deeper inside my body. I was very aroused and wanted him to just take me hard and fast but of course Master had other plans.

He held me tightly against his body, only allowing the briefest of movement just making me feel. I shuddered, struggling to move closer, to drive him deeper, I wanted more. If I had been standing up I might have stamped my foot I was feeling like a petulant child not getting her way. I whimpered and pouted but he held me tight, whispering in my ear all that had just been done to me, all that he planned to do. I continued to struggle until his hand slipped up around my throat. Just holding me like that, not squeezing just a gentle grip on my throat and I instantly stilled, my mind quieted and I allowed him to guide me slowly.

"That's a good girl." He said. "Surrender. Who owns you?"

"You do Master." I whispered.

"That's right. And do you know what just happened to you?"

I shook my head no. My mind was still foggy with arousal and I was having a hard time trying to understand his questions.

"Were you told to strip?"

"Yes Master" I replied.

"Were you spanked?"

"Yes Master" My voice quivered. My arousal barely contained.

"Did you suck cock?"

"Yes Master."

"And now what is happening?"

"You are taking my body, using me for your enjoyment Master." I whimpered, my breath coming faster, my nipples tightening.

"That's right. So you were stripped, spanked, made to suck cock and then used."

I groaned and haltingly responded, "Yes Master, I was stripped, spanked, made to suck cock and used for your pleasure."

"Good girl." He said. "Would you like to come?"

"Yes Sir!" I practically shrieked, his slow methodical torture driving me mad.

"Not yet, I think you need to learn some more control."

A sob escaped my throat and I felt my anger flare. How dare he! I hated when he pulled this, taking me to the brink and then letting me simmer, or even worse denying me satisfaction. My arousal lessened as my anger took hold. I felt myself begin to struggle. Master must have felt it also because his grip on my throat tightened and I felt my anger slip away replaced by surrender.

"Watch that anger slave, you need to learn more control over your emotions. Now calm down or you will be denied."

"Yes Master" I whispered, slowing my breath, my anger still simmering in the back of my mind but I held it in check and released myself to Masters will.

"Good." He said, releasing his grip but keeping his hand where it was.

My desire began to grow again as his movements increased, thrusting deeper and harder inside me. He took me back to the brink again, holding me there. My breath coming faster, my mind trying hard to hold back, to hold still, to allow him to guide me. My body started quivering from the strain, sweat coating my body.

"Come for me." he whispered thrusting harder inside me.

It took me a moment for me to comprehend his words I was concentrating so hard on holding back. I relaxed my mind, and just let myself feel. Within moments I gasped and sobbed, my body arching backward, the slight pressure of his hand on my throat sending shivers down my spine, the thoughts of what he could do to me making it that much more erotic in my head. Tears ran down my cheeks, my body on fire. Master slowed, barely moving behind me while my body bucked and clenched around him.

I lay there in Masters arms, my emotions so raw I couldn't stop the tears.

"I'm sorry I'm such a brat Master. Thank you for being so good to me." I mumbled through my tears.

He grabbed my face and turned my face to look at him but I couldn't look him in the eye. I was ashamed of my behavior earlier.

"Look at me." He said forcefully.

I struggled to obey not wanted to be disobedient twice. I slowly raised my eyes to his. He looked at me, wiped a tear away with his fingers, and said "You are not a brat, you are a good slave. Are there times that you need to be reminded of your place? Yes, but you are too hard on yourself, I don't expect perfection. I know you struggle sometimes but ultimately you surrender. "

I just started at him, not knowing what to say, an inner war raging in my head. He was right I am hard on myself. I expect perfection and struggle when I don't achieve it. I don't know how to change that, its an ongoing process that I have seen small changes in but it is going very slowly and I'm not good with waiting.

"Thank you Master." I said because it was the only thing I could say. Anything else would have gotten me in trouble. The 'I'll try to be better' thoughts I kept to myself. He pinched my nose and let go of my face. I turned away, snuggled back into him, and gave in to my exhaustion.

Thank You

I was trying to figure out what post would make a good start to 2009 and I can't think of anything better than to say....

Thank you Master for your Ownership.

I am grateful for your patience, your strictness, your control, and your care. Being a dominant personality in my daily life sometimes makes my submission difficult, but through your guidance I have found such freedom and clarity in surrendering that control. As I barrel through life I often overwhelm and stress myself out. You reign me in reminding me that letting go while sometimes painful holds great rewards.

I am yours. Your slave, your slut, your property, whether together or apart that piece of my soul that you captured long ago reminds me always of who I answer and belong to. Our circumstances have changed many times since I felt that lock snap shut on the collar around my throat but there has never been any question of who Owns me. My collar may be invisible to most but it binds me in service to you. It is never far from my mind and guides many of my thoughts and actions.

I am here to please you, to obey, to surrender. I don't always do so with grace and sometimes need a strong hand to guide me back but a pat on my head and a "good girl" sends shivers through my body and makes my heart swell with joy. Thank you Master for guiding me on this wondrous, sometimes painful, but always rewarding journey.