Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Trouble With Sexperts

I was browsing through a book the other day and came across this headline: Light kink is sexy, Heavy kink is not....which got me thinking (a dangerous hobby I know).

First I wasn't sure what light kink was compared to heavy kink in the authors mind because it really differs. The author believes that "Once you go beyond anal sex, tie and tease, and fantasy S&M games -which are more about costumes than implements of torture - it isn't about sex anymore." She further went on to state that practitioners of "heavy kink" are troubled people who have negative views of sex and that if S&M play is more than occasional and leaves marks the participants need to seek help.

Wow. I was stunned. This is a woman who wrote a book about kink but doesn't seem to understand it. I guess I fall under her category of sick people who need help because my play sometimes does leave marks, and for me slavery is a mindset that goes beyond sex and the bedroom. Funny though I don't view sex negatively, I see it as something wonderful, passionate, erotic and fun.

I wasn't quite sure I understood her comment about implements of torture either. Who sets the standards of what are considered implements of torture and what are considered acceptable kink paraphernalia. I guess rope, blindfolds, cuffs, feathers, corsets and leather are okay but is a whip too much? A cane? A crop? What about nipple clamps, ball gags, anal hooks where do we draw the line?

I admit that some people's kink goes beyond what I would consider sexy, arousing, erotic and even in some cases sane but if they are happy, functioning adults I say let them be. There are too many unhappy dysfunctional people out there, if two consenting people find something that turns them on, is legal, makes them happy and doesn't interfere directly with other peoples lives why should it matter what they do? Should we stand up and tell them they are dysfunctional and need help? Isn't this the same thing that many are doing to gay and lesbians around the country and around the world? They don't understand so they label it wrong and sick, create laws against it and say they need help. Scary.

The author further goes on to state that those who are "heavily" involved in bdsm do not have wild, passionate, out of control sex. I had to laugh at this one because according to her broad definition of "heavy" kinksters, I fit this category and my sex life is pretty passionate, and has been known to be "out of control". So I'm not sure whose bedroom she is peaking in but she needs to find some new friends.

She compared those into "heavy" kink to fundamentalist Christians because of their rigid adherence to rules. Okay I'm not in total agreement with this statement but I can understand where she got this perception. I've run across people who had more rules than I could wrap my head around and lived by a strict set of guidelines but I'm not sure they would consider themselves so rigid they were unadventurous and that their sex was so choreographed that it was passionless and rigid. (Where do people come up with this stuff!)

It makes me sad that people continue to perpetuate the idea that bdsm is dysfunctional and sick. Books like this that seem to promote kink as something normal and okay but have a very judgemental view on what is acceptable and what is not. In reading the different stories you can feel the authors judgement of some of the people she interviewed. She is touted as a renowned sex author but I guess you need to fit into her mold in order to be considered "healthy". Oh she brings to light many different fun stories but there is this underlying tone that made me shiver and not in a good way!

Just the simple letters bdsm strikes outrage in so many. They can't fathom that functional people can be into it. They see it as a fringe society where we dress goth all the time and don't live normal lives. They can't fathom that the stay at home soccer mom likes to be spanked, called a slut and made to crawl, or that the male executive down the hall likes to be mastered by a Domme, who sodomizes him and makes him lick her boots, or that grandmother playing at the park with her grandchildren might owned and spends her nights collared on her knees with a cock down her throat. To so many, bdsm is relegated to back room sex clubs where naughty perverted sex addicts abuse each other, it isn't something "normal" people do.

When I come across books like this I am happy that there are blogs and other material out there that sheds a more positive light on bdsm. That in our own ways we are helping to dispel the myths that surround bdsm. There are always the crazy few that make their way into the headlines and shed a negative light on anything but as more of us speak we are hopefully creating more understanding. I'm not trying to say that kink is the only way, and everyone should drop their vanilla ways, but my hope is to shed some light on it and hopefully promote more understanding so that it doesn't continue to be labeled as sick, dysfunctional and abusive anymore.


Charli said...

Well, I can't say any of this surprises me. Not only am I in a relationship with a man who would agree with everything this woman says, but most of the people I know fall into the same category of repressed, narrow-minded puritan thinking.

Look at our society.....violence is everywhere, movies, mainstream TV....young children are exposed to violence before they even know what the word means....and yet, show a breast on TV?.....no way!.....nudity?.....I should hope not!

What is the message? Violence is acceptable, our bodies and our sexuality are not. Is it any wonder people view BDSM in a "bad" light? People view most things sexual in a bad light!

And the ridiculously ironic heart of the matter is this.....many of these people with their puritan sexual ideals probably fantasize about the very things they condemn.

We live in the dark ages, clearly, we live in the dark ages.

Masters slave said...

Strikes a nerve doesn't it. I was so excited to get the book and then when I was looking through it I was so disappointed.

I totally agree with you about violence being so much more prevalent and accepted than sexuality in our society. It's really sad.

Dante d'Amore said...

It just goes to show you that any idiot who can string words together can write a book (I know this because I am one of those idiots, lol).

Do you know if this book published by a legitimate publisher or was it self-published? Does this woman claim some type of expertise?

Is she a psychologist or is just the typical fool who thinks whatever they enjoy is fine and anything they don't like is sick?

Do you remember the book's name? I'd love to check it out.