It's so interesting how the mind works. I find that when I break a rule or misbehave in some way I wind up punishing myself far more than Master ever could. I dwell on it, try to figure out the motive behind it, try to see if there is some unconscious thought behind it. Then I just wind up making myself miserable and in my head. As I've said before, I think too much.
I have to state that it doesn't only happen within the context of my relationship with Master, its something I struggle with in other aspects of my life as well. So how to break this cycle? Well I guess its about forgiveness. Forgiveness of self. Not always an easy thing to do.
I am hard on myself. When I mess up I internalize it, which I know is self destructive. Maybe it stems from childhood with an overcritical family. Whatever it is I need to learn to let go. Ahh there we go, forgiveness and surrender, my two biggest challenges in life.
I know that when I struggle and go through my internal battle with whatever task or situation I am in with Master, I rail and scream and then give in and surrender, realizing the freedom in it. But then later when I think back on it I beat myself up about the process. Okay not always, but occasionally. I think it depends on the situation or how hard the surrender was for me. Sometimes I surrender when I have an "ah ha" moment when something clicks and it makes sense, other times its just about me letting go and trusting...thats when I think I have the hardest time. Then I struggle to forgive myself the battle, for some reason assuming that just because I've been a slave for a long time I should automatically just give in, my personality should change and surrender should come easy.
Or maybe its not about forgiveness and its just about surrender without judgment. Its so easy to talk or think about just letting these thoughts and feelings pass through my head without judgment. It would also be healthier than what I do. To just acknowledge that I have these feelings, that they are there, that its okay and move on. Surrendering to the thoughts and realizing the freedom in not having to label them or process them or figure them out...just letting them be.
Perhaps for me, I have to go through forgiveness to get to this place where I can watch without judgement. Forgive myself the need to label and analyze things, then watch as the labels disappear when I don't give them the significance that they once had. Breaking free of the cage of my own making, not the chains that bind me to Master but the ones I've forged on my own.
Daily Mew #136
1 year ago