Sunday, March 15, 2009

Anger


What does a slave do when she gets angry?

I have a temper I'm the first to admit it. When I get angry I get loud, and lash out. If I get very angry I explode. Its as if something comes over me and I can't quite get a grip on it until it has passed through my system. Its a problem. One that I have been working on for many years and while I have curbed it and can control it to a point once its reached that point I lose control.

Luckily Master and I don't live together and he hasn't witnessed that major melt down. We do like to debate though so he knows when he gets me riled up I get louder, more passionate about my point and more frustrated when I feel that I'm not being heard. That's when he dispassionately and in that no nonsense voices tells me to calm down. Which often doesn't work particularly the first time because that just annoys me more. Eventually I just huff and stop talking all together. Stewing to myself. Then we either have to switch topics or I need to wander away before I feel that crazy meter start to rise.

But those are just silly little debates they aren't things more personal to our relationship. We haven't really had a fight. I've been upset, we've talked and things moved on but I've never been angry, well at least not toward him. So what is a slave with a temper to do? Its not an easy thing to deal with in a vanilla relationship. As I've said, I get myself in trouble all the time when it comes to passionate debates, I get frustrated and I curse, which is a big no-no, then I get more frustrated because I know I'm breaking rules and yet I still feel like I'm not getting my point across. I can't imagine what would happen if it was something that was personal to me, actually I can imagine and it wouldn't be pretty.

Master has a temper himself, although it is rarely seen, and I can honestly say I've never seen it it full out, but I can see his frustration rise. I often wonder what would happen if our tempers both flared at the same time. WWIII is what I imagine. I guess its lucky we've never found ourselves in that situation. In the meantime I guess I just keep working, trying to find ways to keep my crazy meter from rising too much and not let the emotion overtake the reasoning side of my brain. Easier said than done I know.

4 comments:

cutesy pah said...

I'm curious how you deal with your anger in your professional life.

Personally, I've dealt with this same issue. I've been known to "let 'er rip" on even bosses and other professionals. Although I've never been fired for it, I've been reprimanded enough to know better, particularly at 45 years old.

So, I've taught myself to start speaking slowly, and in a lower tone of voice. It sounds as though I'm choosing my words carefully, as I am. I've learned to breathe through it, and am much better at it than in the past.

Make no mistake - the temper is still there. But, I've learned that I'm more effective with a stony silence than a loud voice. Silence will make the other begin rambling in order to fill it. And once they begin rambling or babbling, I've got them out of control, or at least off balance long enough to catch my balance.

The other thing I've learned that when I say too much, or raise my voice too much, people just tune me out anyway. So the point I'm making is completely lost if I lose it. But, if I'm speaking slowly and very crisp with my words, I always get my point across.

One of my clients told me that I sound very nice, but with a clear underlying tone which indicates, "I don't really give a f*ck about what you think. You don't scare me and you don't impress me."

As women, it makes our communication even more difficult as we can come off sounding hysterical. This is why I learned to lower my voice and speak more slowly so that in court I do not come off sounding like a crazed teenager when defending my clients in a heated debate with opposing counsel and judge (almost always male).

I hope to hear more of your thoughts on this.

Masters slave said...

Whew - thats a tough one. In the past I have been known to just "lose it" with clients, with professionals etc. I've gotten much better. I do a lot of deep breathing, and try to step back and look at things less personally and that helps me to reign in the frustration.

Also at times when its a situation that is bugging me my passion can come across as anger at the person I am speaking with. I now make it a habit to state how frustrated with the situation I am and that I am not upset with the person I am talking with so when I get grumbly, and sound angry they know its not directed at them.

When I am angry at a specific person I really try to give myself time to cool off before confronting them. Then it's easier to speak rationally. There are some people though that just push my buttons. In times like those I really just try to keep quiet, because no matter what I say it might come out sounding bitchy.

When someone directs their frustration and anger at me it can also set me off, but for the most part I can now step back and just let them vent or cut them off and tell them that I appreciate their thoughts but we are getting off topic. It's easier not to get sucked in when you just listen and not engage.

Its definitely a problem though and not something easy to deal with. I've been working on it for a long time. It has caused me many problems both professionally and personally, luckily as I age I am getting a better handle on it. Unfortunately its also a trait I passed down to one of my children...its hard to watch her struggle with the same problems, but I find that as I am able to control it better I am better able to help her with tips on how to control it.

Sky Blue said...

I've had to learn to keep my mouth shut no matter what I'm thinking, since when I open it, it tends to run away with my brain in tow. It's at that point that I get myself in huge trouble, saying things that I don't mean, or saying things that I do mean but that could have been said much more constructively.

I warn people that I might potentially fight with (significant others and very close friends) that when I get angry, I walk away. Without the warning, people take that as a refusal on my part to even deal with them, and they find it insulting. With the disclaimer, however, they can recognize it as my need to cool off. Given a few hours to myself to do something fun, or take a nap, or have a good meal, I am much better off afterwards to deal with a trying situation in a fair way.

yuvutu said...

It is almost a pity that master has not seen you having a temper meltdown. This would be an important milestone for the master to regain control of his slave and subdue her back to quiet obediance.

(yuvutu)