Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Broken Rules

I haven't been the best slave recently, I've broken one of my main rules (cursing) at least 3 times in the last 2 days. It's like my brain shut off and I can't stop myself. I do it, I realize I just messed up and I hope that Master didn't catch it. Of course he always does. I'm not sure what's going on, I know this is a hard rule for me but I'm usually not this bad. The other piece is that when I would slip up before I would acknowledge it and apologize immediately, now I cross my fingers that he didn't hear it. Whats up with that?

When I sit back and analyze it I get all in my head and get even more confused. Do I want to be punished? Am I unconsciously pushing a limit to see what happens? Is it truly just a slip up? Is there just a thing?

I don't know, I just know something has to change. I feel like I've been walking around with my head in the clouds. Maybe that's why its happening, I'm looking for grounding. Life has been quite chaotic (well more than usual) and my head has been spinning with questions I just don't have the answers to, or maybe I do and just don't want to listen to them.

Maybe these small acts of defiance are my subconscious mind seeking grounding. A way to get out of my head and back in my body. Or maybe I'm using it as a way to escape (not in a good way more in an avoidance way) what's going on in my head hoping that my "slip ups" will lead to physical punishment that will help me avoid my mental junk.

Or maybe I just think too much.

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