Monday, September 29, 2008


I hate when my hormones betray me. I will be perfectly fine, okay with where I am and blam these pesky hormones come up and kick me in the ass. I will cry at stupid TV commercials, take comments the wrong way, feel extremely needy and adrift, snap at this slightest infraction. It sucks.

Add to that the stress of work and home and it’s a recipe for disaster. I try to keep them in check, try to remember that I am reading too much into things when I feel this way but it doesn’t always help. One distracted phone conversation with Master and I will over think my way into a downward spiral. All the old insecurities pop up (maybe they never went away) and I torment myself with doubts.

It’s at these times that I try to listen to Masters voice in my head telling me not to over analyze, take things more at face value. It’s tough though I guess in my past relationships there was always an underlying motive to everything that happened. I would take things at face value only to learn that there was something more going on. After a few blows from the side I learned to analyze everything to find the potential motive behind it. Nothing was done up front, it was always more of a sneak attack, underhanded and passively planned.

Passive aggressive people are probably some of the most mentally hurtful people out there. They stab you in the back so slowly you don’t know the knife is there until half of your blood is pooled around your feet, you can’t figure out where the pain is coming from and you start to feel faint.

Master is definitely not like that, but once you’ve been down that path it’s hard to relearn to trust in what is presented to you. I guess that’s the crux of the problem, trust. Just when I think I finally have it down these hormonal days will leave me realizing that the insecurities are still there, they are just buried underneath the surface waiting to rear their ugly heads. I know these things can take time but it would be so nice if you could just flip a switch.

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