Friday, September 19, 2008

Hard Lessons (Part 3 or 3)

I sat there in disbelief. I couldn’t believe he left. I struggled with my bonds but that only made my condition worse. Despite my anger and disbelief at being left every movement caused my body to betray me. I was still highly aroused, my pussy still wet, my nipples still hard. I stopped moving for a moment, frustrated, trying to fight back the feelings of desire.

Then my temper swelled, he left me here, aroused, helpless and he tells me not to come? What is he going to do if I don’t listen? How will he know? Maybe I don’t want to be a slave anymore, maybe I was wrong. Maybe I didn’t need him. Maybe I should leave.

I struggled again, my anger and inner conflict at war with my slave training. I wiggled and writhed in an attempt to loosen my bonds, or at least that’s what I told myself. I knew it was futile, the ropes wouldn’t come loose, they never did, Master was an expert at tying knots but the movement was bringing me closer and closer to release. As I teetered on the brink on orgasm I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had avoided looking at myself since he left but now I had no choice. I gazed at my reflection. My eyes glazed over with desire, my body flushed from my struggle. Then I looked closer, at the clamps on my nipples, dried traces of Masters come on my body, my mouth held open with a gag, my arms tied above my head gripping the bedpost and the glimpse of blue between my legs as I slid up and down on the silicone cock filling my pussy.

Who was this girl in the mirror, this slave girl bound and gagged, with the defiant look in her eye? She wanted to be defiant. She wanted to come. My reflection gazed back at me, that defiant and angry slave girl, daring me to do it. This was not the person I was a few months ago who took so much pride in pleasing her Master. I wasn’t sure who she was, I wasn’t even sure I liked her but I couldn’t stop myself. I took her challenge, I gripped the bedpost tighter I was reaching the point of no return; my body was on fire, my breath coming in gasps, my body arching my eyes closed and then, time stopped.

As the orgasm swept through my body, images of my last 3 years played like a movie in my head. The first day I met Master, the 6 months we were apart while I made my decision to stay, the 2 years since I came back. The vacations, the mundane chores of every day life, the quiet moments and the passionate ones; there were very few struggles in our relationship, oh there were a few but they were usually minor, for the most part we were happy. I thought of the comfort I felt in Masters presence, the safety, the love. Was I really willing to give all that up because he wanted me to cut my hours?

Pleasure, heartache, frustration, anger, fear, and shame flooded my head as the orgasm completed its sweep through my body. My body collapsed into my bonds and I started to shake and cry. I couldn’t believe I defied him like that. I didn’t know I was capable of it. I wept at what I had done this unfamiliar person who cared only for herself. This was how Master found me, I hadn’t even heard the door open but the next thing I knew he was kneeling beside me. He removed the toys that filled my body, removed the clamps on my nipples, undid the gag and released my arms and legs from their bonds.

I collapsed on the floor, my body curled in a fetal position as I continued to sob. He sat beside me calmly running his hand through my hair. I pushed him a way a few times but he didn’t relent. He continued to stroke my hair, occasionally running his hand across my back. He shouldn’t be consoling me, I had defied him. I didn’t deserve his comfort. I don’t know when I fell asleep but one moment I was on the floor crying and the next I was lying in bed with Master curled around my body. I started to sink back into his warmth, his familiar scent, his arms wrapped around my body and then I remembered what I had done. My eyes flew open, I stiffened and tried to pull away, but he held me fast.

“Not so fast slave. Where do you think you are going?”

“I….I’m not sure, Sir, I…I just, I....” I stumbled over my words and thoughts, “I don’t know.” I said my body softening in defeat. “I’m so sorry.” I felt the tears forming in the corner of my eyes again.

“Do you want to be released?” He whispered into my hair.

It took me a moment to understand what he was asking. “I thought I did Sir.” I whispered.

“Do you still?”

I thought back on all that had happened over the last month, my struggle with the rules, and my stress over work, my blatant defiance only a few hours ago. Did I still want to be released? Or was I acting out, pushing the limits as a child would in an effort for him to exercise his control over me. Was this my way of proving to myself that no matter what he would still be here, looking out for me, doing what he thought was best for me even when I don’t see it myself? Or was I just so wrapped up in work that I hadn’t seen what I was doing to myself, to us? I didn’t know the reasons I was doing the things I was doing but I knew that I had been making myself crazy for the last month. If I really let myself think about things rationally I knew that Masters new restrictions were in my best interest but who said I was rational? I knew that he didn’t impose rules to be mean, he did them to build structure to our lives, and they weren’t unrealistic.

“I asked you a question slave.” Master said interrupting my thoughts.

“I’m sorry Sir. I…no, no I don’t Master, if you still want me, I want to stay. I’m sorry Sir, I don’t know what’s wrong, and I’m not sure how to fix it.” My words started coming faster, as the tears started running down my face. “I was disobedient today Sir, I came when you told me not to, I’m sorry, I don’t know why I did that, I don’t want to leave Sir, I want to be here. I need to be here. I’m happy here. Well, if I'm honest, I’m not really happy anywhere right now Sir, I’m not sure what’s going on, forgive me Master, I didn’t mean to ……”

Master put his hand over my mouth.We’ll deal with that later. I don’t want to release you but I won’t keep you if you want to leave. The rest we can work out. My rules remain in place, you are to keep to 9-5 hours and you are to relinquish your blackberry when you come home. You will meditate and get back to your yoga practice at least three times a week. We will discuss this again and your defiance in a few weeks or so. You are overworked and overstressed we need to correct that before anything else can be accomplished. Do you understand slave?”

I felt myself bristle at his words, the defiant woman from the mirror returning but I pushed her back down and leaned back into him “Yes Sir.” I replied.


The first few days were difficult. I didn’t make it home on time and I struggled to leave the office feeling like a slacker by not staying. I tried talking to Master about it but he wouldn’t relent. I felt frustrated thinking about all the work that was piling up that I should be accomplishing. My yoga and meditation practice were next to impossible, I couldn’t focus, my mind kept returning to work but I kept at it, trying to surrender. Relinquishing my cell phone was by far the most difficult though. I was like a junkie needing a fix. The first day Master put it up on a shelf and within 2 hours I was hauling a chair over to try to reach it. Of course I was caught, and the cell phone was then locked in his office. I found myself coming up with unique and comical ways to break in to the office without getting caught which I never followed through with but they occupied a great deal of my thinking. There were moments I found myself sitting on the floor outside the door, leaning against it weeping. I was a mess.

By week the end of week 2 I was actually feeling calmer. I was making it home from work on time, I wasn’t as distracted by the loss of my cell phone when I walked in the door and yoga and meditation weren’t such a struggle anymore. I felt lighter, more at ease. Since I knew I only had a set amount of time at work to get things accomplished I found I was prioritizing better, delegating work and getting more accomplished in a quicker period of time.

At the beginning of week three, I walked into the house at 5pm and went straight to Masters office to relinquish my phone. He was sitting at his desk. I knocked and waited for him to invite me in. When he turned and told me to enter I walked over to him, dropped to my knees at his feet and put my head in his lap. I wasn’t expected to do that but it felt right.

“What’s the matter slave?” He asked.

“Nothing Sir, everything is wonderful. I’m sorry I’ve been so horrible lately. You were right, I was putting too my stress on myself. Thank you Sir, for seeing what I needed and forcing me to take care of myself. Forgive me for doubting you and your motives.”

Master lifted my face up to look at him. “There is nothing to forgive slave, you were not yourself. I take partial blame, I am responsible for you and I should have stopped it long before it got so bad. We will start again, a clean slate. Your past indiscretions are erased, from here we move forward.”

I looked up at him, in disbelief, relief and love; tears started flowing down my face.“Thank you Sir. You are too kind, I don’t deserve….”

He grabbed my chin and slapped me sharply but not hard across the face. “I don’t want to hear that again.” He said sternly “You are a good, loyal slave, you are too hard on yourself. Now go change, we have plans for dinner.” He leaned down and kissed me. A kiss filled with promise and passion.

“Yes Sir. Thank you Master.” I said getting slowly to my feet. I placed my cell phone on his desk and turned to leave.

“You may keep that slave.” He said pointing to the phone.

“No Sir, I don’t think I’m ready yet.” I said and walked out to go get ready for dinner. I smiled as I walked through the house, I felt light, and happy. I practically glided up the stairs thinking about what I could find to wear that would please Master. Hoping that dinner would be short and we could come home early and spend some much needed quality time in bed or in the living room, or the kitchen or….I shuddered as my imagination took over.

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