Nostalgia

I don't know what it is about the end of the year that always makes me want to look back. But I've been thinking about how I met Master and how we got to where we are.

There were always aspects of bdsm that attracted me even after I escaped from the hell of a M/s relationship gone bad. ( where it all began ) Even though I was leery of these desires I would find myself seeking aspects of it in my vanilla world. I would find a partner with a little kink in them, someone willing to spank me (just not as hard or as long as I wanted) or pull my hair (again not as hard as I would like) or even tie me up, but much as I didn't want to admit it to myself I think that my early experience gave me a taste for something harder. After these experiences I was often left unfulfilled and upset, thinking that it was the kink that was the problem when the real problem was that it wasn't kinky enough. I needed more.

I began writing, hoping that I could fulfill this inexplicable need I had burning inside me. I started expressing my kinkier side in words instead of deeds. The tight bondage, the whippings, the more aggressive sex, the choking, restraint, the rules etc...unfortunately the more I wrote about it the more I wanted it, needed it. Of course this was the time of the big internet boom, when chat rooms were something new and exciting and kink bulletin boards and news feeds were just starting to become popular. I found a whole new world at my fingertips. My writing had found an audience and among them were a few people that I would consider mentors, guiding me through a sea of information. They looked out for me, talked to me and helped me to discover that a M/s relationship did not have to be the way it had been for me. I was still nervous but I felt I was ready to wade back into the pool. I started chatting and meeting people online but never took it further than cyberspace. In fact I had never consented to even call any Doms/Masters in person until I met Master.

There was something about him that intrigued me. I'm not sure what it was, I can't remember but whatever it was, is still there. It may have been the mix of intelligence and strictness. There was just more to him than just the kink. We could have conversations about all kinds of things. And there was nothing wishy-washy about him. Other Doms/Master even in e-mail would flip-flop on different issues, they didn't have specific rules, they sort of made them up as they went often bowing to my decisions or objections. Master seemed to know what he expected and wanted in a sub/slave and demanded it, he would listen if I objected, think about it and it didn't always turn out the way I wanted. I hated, respected and craved that discipline.

I remember our first meeting, I was so nervous, wondering what I had agreed to. I mean smart people didn't agree to meet strangers they met on the internet who wanted to tie them up did they? I had heard the horror stories of internet meetings gone bad (this was before internet dating was popular so meeting people online was considered taboo). We had been talking on the phone for a while and something told me that things would be okay, so I went with it but I was still nervous. What if he turned out to be a total wack job?

Luckily he wasn't, and that first meeting brought emotions out in me that I thought had been buried for good. When I went home that night I laid in bed and cried. Tears of relief, fear, joy and hope. Relief that I had taken steps to fulfilled needs that had been building in me so long and realizing that they didn't have to be scary. Fear that things would turn out like before. Joy that I had let my submissive side out of its cage in my soul and received amazing rewards. Hope that I could embrace my submissive side in a healthier way and not run from it.

Unfortunately the fear overwhelmed me and I locked my inner submissive away again after a few more meetings. I found it too difficult to embrace this part of myself that yearned for things others considered abnormal. I knew the devastation when a relationship like this went wrong and I didn't want to go back there. I didn't trust myself. I had a bad track record when it came to relationships and I just figured there had to be something I was missing in this one.

Master was understanding and we kept in touch checking in with each other every so often, catching up on each others lives. I think the bond that I had felt when we had first met grew stronger for me during this off period. I still maintained his rules of how to keep myself, I continued to address him as Sir, maintaining my submission to him. It was as if I knew that one day I would be on my knees serving him again in a more physical way. If I am really honest I would have to say that from our first meeting he had captured a piece of my soul and despite not being together I was never really free. There was just something about him that spoke to me. I can't pinpoint it, but thats the only explanation I have for the bond I felt toward him.

I have talked to other Doms/Masters over the years never with an interest in meeting, and referring to them as Sir always felt false and strained. It never sounded right coming off my tongue and I knew that I wouldn't maintain contact with these people. A few people wanted me to call them Master, which never felt right either (I'm not sure why people think they deserve this title from the very beginning) and I would "forget" or call them something else. I think subconciously I knew I already had a Master, an Owner, and these other people were all make believe, a sort of online fantasy role play that helped me explore and understand that the submissive side of myself wasn't "wrong".

Why didn't I just explore these things with Master you wonder. I think it was because of our connection. I think I knew that once I opened that door that it would be hard to close again and as much as I wanted it opened it still scared me. It was easier to be superficial than it was to give in to real emotion. I read blogs, bulletin boards, and occasionally wandered into a bdsm chat but despite it helping me get to know my inner submissive it never really fulfilled me. It did however show me that not all M/s relationships were abusive. I'm sure this helped me to reach a place in my life where I felt comfortable opening that cage door a little wider, which is when I agreed to meet with Master again. I asked him recently if he knew we would see each other again and I don't remember his exact words but it was something along the line of it being inevitable and I would have to agree.

Our reunion was so comfortable it didn't feel strained or awkward. It was like being wrapped in a comfortable old sweatshirt, it just felt so right. Our first intimate interaction upon meeting again was just as powerful as the first time. I still didn't like being on display, and was a little self-conscious because it had been several years and lets face it I don't have the same body I did back then, but it felt natural and right to offer myself to him. His collar may not have physically been around my neck during our separation but it had been there in spirit tethering me to him.

I have no regrets about reopening the door to my submissive side and have found such comfort, joy and growth from my relationship with Master. I don't see my submission as something that holds me back or stifles me, in fact there is an empowerment in it that I just can't describe. I will be forever thankful to Master for taking this journey with me.