Anger

What does a slave do when she gets angry?

I have a temper I'm the first to admit it. When I get angry I get loud, and lash out. If I get very angry I explode. Its as if something comes over me and I can't quite get a grip on it until it has passed through my system. Its a problem. One that I have been working on for many years and while I have curbed it and can control it to a point once its reached that point I lose control.

Luckily Master and I don't live together and he hasn't witnessed that major melt down. We do like to debate though so he knows when he gets me riled up I get louder, more passionate about my point and more frustrated when I feel that I'm not being heard. That's when he dispassionately and in that no nonsense voices tells me to calm down. Which often doesn't work particularly the first time because that just annoys me more. Eventually I just huff and stop talking all together. Stewing to myself. Then we either have to switch topics or I need to wander away before I feel that crazy meter start to rise.

But those are just silly little debates they aren't things more personal to our relationship. We haven't really had a fight. I've been upset, we've talked and things moved on but I've never been angry, well at least not toward him. So what is a slave with a temper to do? Its not an easy thing to deal with in a vanilla relationship. As I've said, I get myself in trouble all the time when it comes to passionate debates, I get frustrated and I curse, which is a big no-no, then I get more frustrated because I know I'm breaking rules and yet I still feel like I'm not getting my point across. I can't imagine what would happen if it was something that was personal to me, actually I can imagine and it wouldn't be pretty.

Master has a temper himself, although it is rarely seen, and I can honestly say I've never seen it it full out, but I can see his frustration rise. I often wonder what would happen if our tempers both flared at the same time. WWIII is what I imagine. I guess its lucky we've never found ourselves in that situation. In the meantime I guess I just keep working, trying to find ways to keep my crazy meter from rising too much and not let the emotion overtake the reasoning side of my brain. Easier said than done I know.

An offering

I kneel naked at your feet.

My back is straight,

my knees spread,

hands behind my back.

My head is tilted to the side and bent back exposing my throat.

My breasts rise and fall with my breath,

my nipples are tight peaks,

wetness forms between my legs.

Goosebumps cover my flesh

not from being cold but the anticipation of what is to come.

I wait, vulnerable, submissive, an offering.

I am yours.

Male Submissives

Corvan's comment to my last post made me think about male subs/slaves. I can't imagine how hard it may be for some men to accept their submissive sides. I know the disgust and negativity that is directed my way when people who don't understand these urges read my blog. I would imagine it is worse for male subs.

Men who even remotely appear to answer or care about what their girlfriend or wives think are labeled as pussy whipped or weak. It's even worse for those who may have lower paying jobs than the women they live with. If they aren't the main provider they aren't fulfilling their role as the "man of the house".

Strange to think that in this day these stereotypes are still so pervasive but they continue to be perpetuated. In some ways I think female subs have may have it easier. Many D/s, M/s relationships with female subs tend to follow a more traditional old fashioned relationship where the man is in charge and the woman submits. We see images of this all the time in old movies, and tv shows, we may even see it in our families. But reverse that dynamic and how many examples do you see? Not many.

Its funny though I often hear women talking about how they wish their man would do what they say, etc...but then when they see it in action they call the woman a bitch or they can't understand why the man puts up with it. Such a double standard.

Due to all these stereotypes about the way men "should" be I can imagine it is very difficult to embrace the opposite. The comments from others alone would be enough to get so many to push these feelings aside. I would imagine that many who can't truly accept it or can't identify their submissive need often unconsciously seek out abusively domineering women and then resent them for taking the control they don't really want but are afraid to admit.

I don't know maybe that's wrong but I do have to give kudos to those male subs/slave out there who have embraced their role and the dominant women who love, care and fulfill them in and open, healthy way. Breaking free of stereotypes is never easy.

What BDSM Has Taught Me

I know many people don't understand the M/s dynamic. They think that those of us who participate in these types of relationships are sick, perverse, crazy etc. They think that as women we are weak, being taken advantage of and have low self-esteem. (Sorry I can't speak for the male subs/slaves out there but I'm sure people say similar things).

As I've posted previously, these ideas are even present in so called "kink friendly" books when authors have a bias that she or he just can't shake. It's no wonder so many people hide their kinky side or feel that there must be something wrong with them when they first find these feelings emerge. Its hard to find positive portrayals of bdsm relationships. I am so thankful for the blogger out there who share their positive stories and bring bdsm and sub/Dom feelings out of the dungeon to share with others.

There are so many positive aspects to my relationship with Master. He has taught me so much and enriched my life in so many ways. It makes me crazy to think that so many would condemn it as sick. Master has helped me to trust, to let go of insecurities, to enjoy the moment. He has taught me acceptance of the submissive side of myself and shown me that to be a Dom/Master doesn't mean you have to be a manipulative, hurtful jerk.

I don't find myself weaker or with lower self esteem as a result of my M/s relationship in fact I feel more confident, more at ease with who I am. I am able to stop being such a control freak and let go of more things. My relationship has enabled me to realize that my need for control is really an insecurity, and by letting go I am actually more in control than when I try to micromanage.

In learning to surrender I have learned so much about myself. My inner struggles and ultimate surrender during training lessons with Master can often teach me so much about how I relate to situations outside of my relationship and learn to let things go. Surrender comes in so many forms, can mean so many different things and can teach us so much. In my quest to let go I am finding more happiness because I am not trying to juggle everything around me.

I think when people peel back the layers of the bdsm relationship they will find so much more hidden underneath. Its time for people to unshackle themselves from limiting beliefs and let go.

Fat Tuesday

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Rainy Days

I lay in bed and listen to the rhythm of the rain as it bounces off the windows, the distinct hush of the cars as they drive down the wet road. I shiver and pull the blankets up higher. The bed feels so empty, so cold. I miss your warmth pressing into my back, your arms wrapped around me, the feel of your breath on my neck.

Its a lazy Sunday, a perfect day to stay inside and be tied to a bedpost, a chair or anything for that matter. But you aren't here, I'm on my own today. Thoughts of what your hands could be doing to me make me shiver. I haven't been given permission to come so I try to push these thoughts away but they keep coming back.

The sting of your hand, the whistle of a crop of whip as it slices through the air right before it stings my flesh raising red welts across my body that will fade in a few hours. The heat of my flesh after a good spanking, the cold wetness of the ice cube that you run down my back making me arch and gasp. The ache that forms between my legs begging for your touch.

My nipples harden, begging to be pinched between your fingers, or feel the tight pressure of clamps as they are fastened in place. My body arches off the bed. I want you. I know I have to stop this train of thought, its taking me to places I am not allowed to go right now. It's times like this when I feel the tightness of the collar around my throat. The knowledge that my body is not my own. It belongs to you. I squeeze my legs together only making the need worse. I sigh and fling the covers back gasping at the cold air, knowing it is exactly what I need. I need to clear my head think of other things, I get up and stagger to the bathroom, hoping a shower will help push these thoughts away. But then I start thinking of your hands slick with soapy bubbles caressing me as the water cascades across my body and realize I better make that a cold shower.

Letting The Leash Out

I was in a particularly randy mood the other day. I'm not sure what came over me but geez was I was a horny little slut. Master played me until tears formed in my eyes allowing me to come several times, it was blissful.

My take charge attitude was in attendance though and luckily Master was in an indulgent mood because there were definitely points at which I was pretty direct in what I wanted and didn't ask but just took. I occasionally see this dominant part of my personality coming through and she doesn't like the word "no". I used to get pushy and angry when I didn't get my way but I have learned that forcing the issue doesn't lead to pleasant consequences. In fact just the opposite of pleasant.

Somewhere along the way my subconscious mind kicked in and I switched tactics. My submissive side now joins the dominant side in a manipulative game of begging and tying to convince Master that its really his idea.

Of course he will usually indulge me for a short period of time and then retake the control gathering my hands behind my back, grabbing a handful of my hair tightly and holding my head still as he forces his cock down my throat to the point of gagging and keeping it there. Allowing me to build myself up to the brink only to hold my hips so I am unable to move, so that I feel his cock deep inside me, filling me making my walls twitch around him. I struggle a little, whimpering and whining while the dominant nature flees as fast as she came replaced by the twitching obedient slut that I hide underneath.

I think he lets me entertain my delusions like this sometimes because he likes to watch me pout and throw a little temper tantrum when I don't get my way. Its like loosening up on the leash of a dog to only moments later reign it in reminding the pet who is really in control. Giving that sense of freedom only to be brought back under firm control. Its frustrating, entertaining, erotic and fulfilling.