What BDSM Has Taught Me

I know many people don't understand the M/s dynamic. They think that those of us who participate in these types of relationships are sick, perverse, crazy etc. They think that as women we are weak, being taken advantage of and have low self-esteem. (Sorry I can't speak for the male subs/slaves out there but I'm sure people say similar things).

As I've posted previously, these ideas are even present in so called "kink friendly" books when authors have a bias that she or he just can't shake. It's no wonder so many people hide their kinky side or feel that there must be something wrong with them when they first find these feelings emerge. Its hard to find positive portrayals of bdsm relationships. I am so thankful for the blogger out there who share their positive stories and bring bdsm and sub/Dom feelings out of the dungeon to share with others.

There are so many positive aspects to my relationship with Master. He has taught me so much and enriched my life in so many ways. It makes me crazy to think that so many would condemn it as sick. Master has helped me to trust, to let go of insecurities, to enjoy the moment. He has taught me acceptance of the submissive side of myself and shown me that to be a Dom/Master doesn't mean you have to be a manipulative, hurtful jerk.

I don't find myself weaker or with lower self esteem as a result of my M/s relationship in fact I feel more confident, more at ease with who I am. I am able to stop being such a control freak and let go of more things. My relationship has enabled me to realize that my need for control is really an insecurity, and by letting go I am actually more in control than when I try to micromanage.

In learning to surrender I have learned so much about myself. My inner struggles and ultimate surrender during training lessons with Master can often teach me so much about how I relate to situations outside of my relationship and learn to let things go. Surrender comes in so many forms, can mean so many different things and can teach us so much. In my quest to let go I am finding more happiness because I am not trying to juggle everything around me.

I think when people peel back the layers of the bdsm relationship they will find so much more hidden underneath. Its time for people to unshackle themselves from limiting beliefs and let go.

Fat Tuesday

Laissez les bon temps rouler!

Rainy Days

I lay in bed and listen to the rhythm of the rain as it bounces off the windows, the distinct hush of the cars as they drive down the wet road. I shiver and pull the blankets up higher. The bed feels so empty, so cold. I miss your warmth pressing into my back, your arms wrapped around me, the feel of your breath on my neck.

Its a lazy Sunday, a perfect day to stay inside and be tied to a bedpost, a chair or anything for that matter. But you aren't here, I'm on my own today. Thoughts of what your hands could be doing to me make me shiver. I haven't been given permission to come so I try to push these thoughts away but they keep coming back.

The sting of your hand, the whistle of a crop of whip as it slices through the air right before it stings my flesh raising red welts across my body that will fade in a few hours. The heat of my flesh after a good spanking, the cold wetness of the ice cube that you run down my back making me arch and gasp. The ache that forms between my legs begging for your touch.

My nipples harden, begging to be pinched between your fingers, or feel the tight pressure of clamps as they are fastened in place. My body arches off the bed. I want you. I know I have to stop this train of thought, its taking me to places I am not allowed to go right now. It's times like this when I feel the tightness of the collar around my throat. The knowledge that my body is not my own. It belongs to you. I squeeze my legs together only making the need worse. I sigh and fling the covers back gasping at the cold air, knowing it is exactly what I need. I need to clear my head think of other things, I get up and stagger to the bathroom, hoping a shower will help push these thoughts away. But then I start thinking of your hands slick with soapy bubbles caressing me as the water cascades across my body and realize I better make that a cold shower.

Letting The Leash Out

I was in a particularly randy mood the other day. I'm not sure what came over me but geez was I was a horny little slut. Master played me until tears formed in my eyes allowing me to come several times, it was blissful.

My take charge attitude was in attendance though and luckily Master was in an indulgent mood because there were definitely points at which I was pretty direct in what I wanted and didn't ask but just took. I occasionally see this dominant part of my personality coming through and she doesn't like the word "no". I used to get pushy and angry when I didn't get my way but I have learned that forcing the issue doesn't lead to pleasant consequences. In fact just the opposite of pleasant.

Somewhere along the way my subconscious mind kicked in and I switched tactics. My submissive side now joins the dominant side in a manipulative game of begging and tying to convince Master that its really his idea.

Of course he will usually indulge me for a short period of time and then retake the control gathering my hands behind my back, grabbing a handful of my hair tightly and holding my head still as he forces his cock down my throat to the point of gagging and keeping it there. Allowing me to build myself up to the brink only to hold my hips so I am unable to move, so that I feel his cock deep inside me, filling me making my walls twitch around him. I struggle a little, whimpering and whining while the dominant nature flees as fast as she came replaced by the twitching obedient slut that I hide underneath.

I think he lets me entertain my delusions like this sometimes because he likes to watch me pout and throw a little temper tantrum when I don't get my way. Its like loosening up on the leash of a dog to only moments later reign it in reminding the pet who is really in control. Giving that sense of freedom only to be brought back under firm control. Its frustrating, entertaining, erotic and fulfilling.

Lessons in Surrender

I sense your eyes on me and I try not to squirm. I lay on the couch on my belly in a pair of black lace panties. My knees are bent and my legs kick lazily back and forth. I am resting on my elbows my back arched as I focus on the book leaning on the arm of the couch in front of me.

It was easier before you came in the room. Easier before you sat in the chair across from me. I turn my head and look up at you through the strands of hair that have escaped the band holding the rest of it back and smile. I start to close the book but you shake your head and tell me to ignore you.

Ignore you? Yeah right.

Your eyes penetrate me burning into my skin. The hair on my arms stands up, my nipples tighten and a surge of heat rushes between my legs. I hate it when you watch me. It makes me aroused, anxious, irritated and afraid. All of my insecurities come rushing to the surface.

I want you to touch me, I want to make you touch me, but I know you won't. If you touch me I don't have to worry about what you are seeing. I don't have to wondering what I look like through your eyes. My eyes are very critical, yours are much more forgiving. Where you see beauty I see flaws.

When you touch me I can forget about your stare, I focus on the touch and get lost in the feeling.
But that's exactly why you won't touch me. Why you sit back and watch, knowing that I am squirming inside, fighting with myself to pretend you aren't there. To stop judging what you are seeing. To let go and surrender to who I am.

I look back at the book and stare at the page. Suddenly the words that were gliding together in perfect harmony only a moment ago are gibberish. The words that were forming amazing pictures that floated through my head read like a foreign language. I read the same line over and over not understanding a word.

I sigh and put my head down, my feet stop their lazy, carefree movement. I try to focus. My heart is pounding, and I feel the tears in the back of my eyes. I take a deep breath in and let it out slowly trying to calm myself. It's not like you are asking me to do something I don't do every day. Its not like this is a foreign task that I don't know how to perform, so why is it so difficult?

I am self conscious of every move, every breath. It would be easier if I knew you weren't paying attention, but you are. I hear your body shift in the chair as you wait for me to compose myself. I lift my head and look at the pages, trying not to turn my head and look at you. I stare at the words through a thin film of tears.

Slowly my eyes start to roam across the words at a halted pace. Eventually my mind starts to weave the story back together. My breathing slows and my feet start to gently move back and forth again. This is surrender, although I don't realize it yet. It won't be until you say something or touch me and I remember you are there that I will have realized I let go.

My Valentine

I have a love hate relationship with Valentine's Day. I'm not sure I understand why we need a special day set aside to show the people we care about how much they mean to us. If you don't do this all the time then you are sorely missing out.

If you are single Valentine's Day usually sucks. You have to listen to everyone around you drone on about how wonderful their SO is and what romantic plans they have and what they bought for the other person and there you are twiddling your thumbs wishing they would drop dead. A single Valentine's Day is worse then spending New Years alone. I think its because of all the hype to be in a relationship.

Corporate America has taught us that something personal, a beautiful letter, poem or note is not enough. The "true" measure of our love is in how much we spend. I just don't see it that way. I am much more impressed with a good card, or hand written note than I am some elaborate gift.

I don't need a special day to feel important to Master. He shows me that he cares all the time in the little things he does. Those are the important moments not the ones we feel brow beaten into because it is expected. If I didn't feel appreciated before Valentine's Day an expensive gift is only going to make me feel worse. Crazy huh? But its true. If I'm only worthy of appreciation one day a year when the calendar says you're supposed to tell me how much I matter to you then please don't bother. I'll take the little every day things over big elaborate hub bub any day.

The perfect Valentine's Day present? To fall asleep in Master's arms after he has roughly manhandled and ravaged me leaving me quivering, and crying blissful tears from the emotional overload. Of course some chocolate wouldn't hurt either.

The Trouble With Sexperts

I was browsing through a book the other day and came across this headline: Light kink is sexy, Heavy kink is not....which got me thinking (a dangerous hobby I know).

First I wasn't sure what light kink was compared to heavy kink in the authors mind because it really differs. The author believes that "Once you go beyond anal sex, tie and tease, and fantasy S&M games -which are more about costumes than implements of torture - it isn't about sex anymore." She further went on to state that practitioners of "heavy kink" are troubled people who have negative views of sex and that if S&M play is more than occasional and leaves marks the participants need to seek help.

Wow. I was stunned. This is a woman who wrote a book about kink but doesn't seem to understand it. I guess I fall under her category of sick people who need help because my play sometimes does leave marks, and for me slavery is a mindset that goes beyond sex and the bedroom. Funny though I don't view sex negatively, I see it as something wonderful, passionate, erotic and fun.

I wasn't quite sure I understood her comment about implements of torture either. Who sets the standards of what are considered implements of torture and what are considered acceptable kink paraphernalia. I guess rope, blindfolds, cuffs, feathers, corsets and leather are okay but is a whip too much? A cane? A crop? What about nipple clamps, ball gags, anal hooks where do we draw the line?

I admit that some people's kink goes beyond what I would consider sexy, arousing, erotic and even in some cases sane but if they are happy, functioning adults I say let them be. There are too many unhappy dysfunctional people out there, if two consenting people find something that turns them on, is legal, makes them happy and doesn't interfere directly with other peoples lives why should it matter what they do? Should we stand up and tell them they are dysfunctional and need help? Isn't this the same thing that many are doing to gay and lesbians around the country and around the world? They don't understand so they label it wrong and sick, create laws against it and say they need help. Scary.

The author further goes on to state that those who are "heavily" involved in bdsm do not have wild, passionate, out of control sex. I had to laugh at this one because according to her broad definition of "heavy" kinksters, I fit this category and my sex life is pretty passionate, and has been known to be "out of control". So I'm not sure whose bedroom she is peaking in but she needs to find some new friends.

She compared those into "heavy" kink to fundamentalist Christians because of their rigid adherence to rules. Okay I'm not in total agreement with this statement but I can understand where she got this perception. I've run across people who had more rules than I could wrap my head around and lived by a strict set of guidelines but I'm not sure they would consider themselves so rigid they were unadventurous and that their sex was so choreographed that it was passionless and rigid. (Where do people come up with this stuff!)

It makes me sad that people continue to perpetuate the idea that bdsm is dysfunctional and sick. Books like this that seem to promote kink as something normal and okay but have a very judgemental view on what is acceptable and what is not. In reading the different stories you can feel the authors judgement of some of the people she interviewed. She is touted as a renowned sex author but I guess you need to fit into her mold in order to be considered "healthy". Oh she brings to light many different fun stories but there is this underlying tone that made me shiver and not in a good way!

Just the simple letters bdsm strikes outrage in so many. They can't fathom that functional people can be into it. They see it as a fringe society where we dress goth all the time and don't live normal lives. They can't fathom that the stay at home soccer mom likes to be spanked, called a slut and made to crawl, or that the male executive down the hall likes to be mastered by a Domme, who sodomizes him and makes him lick her boots, or that grandmother playing at the park with her grandchildren might owned and spends her nights collared on her knees with a cock down her throat. To so many, bdsm is relegated to back room sex clubs where naughty perverted sex addicts abuse each other, it isn't something "normal" people do.

When I come across books like this I am happy that there are blogs and other material out there that sheds a more positive light on bdsm. That in our own ways we are helping to dispel the myths that surround bdsm. There are always the crazy few that make their way into the headlines and shed a negative light on anything but as more of us speak we are hopefully creating more understanding. I'm not trying to say that kink is the only way, and everyone should drop their vanilla ways, but my hope is to shed some light on it and hopefully promote more understanding so that it doesn't continue to be labeled as sick, dysfunctional and abusive anymore.

Tease

I lay on side on the bed in my panties and bra.
"Push your thoughts aside and just feel" he says.
The rough sensation of his hand against my skin makes me tingle.
I love he way his fingers gently dancing across my flesh right before he pinches or slaps me.
"Close your eyes"
I do as I'm told, laying there my eyes shut focusing on his touch.
Across my belly, my hips, down my thighs, his hands go where they want after all I am his.
He doesn't ask when he pulls my panties down in the back exposing my ass.
I feel naughty, exposed, my panties half off his hand kneading and parting the rounded cheeks of my ass.
I push back into him which must have been what he was waiting for since when he achieved it his hands moved on.
Back up across my belly traveling to my breasts.
I reach back to unhook it for him but he stops me.
"Relax, if I want it off I'll take it off."
His hand reaches under my bra, gripping my breast.
His fingers rolling and gently flicking my nipple. First one then the other.
I don't want him to stop.
It feels so good.
I want to press my breasts harder into his hands but don't worried it will make him stop like it did when he had his hands on my ass.
After a few moments though I lose that precious control and my body takes over, my brain shuts down.
I press my chest forward.
When his hand slips from under my bra I make a soft whimper.
I knew it was going to happen but I had hoped it wouldn't stop.
His hand makes its way slowly back to my ass where he begins to gently spank me.
The strikes are more like pats but begin to increase in strength.
I feel the heat building within me.
I can imagine the redness of my flesh under his hand.
I wiggle and push back even though each sting of his hand increases in pain.
I can't help it I want more.
My flesh feels alive, tingling, flushed with heat.
All too soon he stops and pulls me tight against him.
I feel his hardness pushing against my ass.
I push back but he stills me with a firm grip on my hips.
"Not yet" He says.
And his hand moves back up to caress my belly, his fingers slipping into the front of my panties teasing me as they quickly slide back out.
He pulls my panties down the rest of the way tossing them aside.
His hands now roam free his fingers softly tickling the inside of my thigh, grazing across my clit and then quickly away.
He cups his hand between my legs, one finger slipping briefly between my lips feeling my wetness.
I wiggle wanting more but he holds me where I am.
His hand tightens slightly, "this is mine along with the rest of you, I know you want more but right now I am enjoying my exploration. This may be all you get. I havent' decided if I will allow you more or if I will use you today. Perhaps I will just tease you today and use you tomorrow."
I whimper, pushing into his hand.
"Be good and I may change my mind and use you sooner rather than later although I do like the thought of you walking around all day with wet panties."
"Please Master" I whisper.
"We shall see." he said as he thrust two fingers deep inside me and then quickly removed them.
I whimpered and groaned knowing that it was going to be along day.

Cage Of My Own Making

It's so interesting how the mind works. I find that when I break a rule or misbehave in some way I wind up punishing myself far more than Master ever could. I dwell on it, try to figure out the motive behind it, try to see if there is some unconscious thought behind it. Then I just wind up making myself miserable and in my head. As I've said before, I think too much.

I have to state that it doesn't only happen within the context of my relationship with Master, its something I struggle with in other aspects of my life as well. So how to break this cycle? Well I guess its about forgiveness. Forgiveness of self. Not always an easy thing to do.

I am hard on myself. When I mess up I internalize it, which I know is self destructive. Maybe it stems from childhood with an overcritical family. Whatever it is I need to learn to let go. Ahh there we go, forgiveness and surrender, my two biggest challenges in life.

I know that when I struggle and go through my internal battle with whatever task or situation I am in with Master, I rail and scream and then give in and surrender, realizing the freedom in it. But then later when I think back on it I beat myself up about the process. Okay not always, but occasionally. I think it depends on the situation or how hard the surrender was for me. Sometimes I surrender when I have an "ah ha" moment when something clicks and it makes sense, other times its just about me letting go and trusting...thats when I think I have the hardest time. Then I struggle to forgive myself the battle, for some reason assuming that just because I've been a slave for a long time I should automatically just give in, my personality should change and surrender should come easy.

Or maybe its not about forgiveness and its just about surrender without judgment. Its so easy to talk or think about just letting these thoughts and feelings pass through my head without judgment. It would also be healthier than what I do. To just acknowledge that I have these feelings, that they are there, that its okay and move on. Surrendering to the thoughts and realizing the freedom in not having to label them or process them or figure them out...just letting them be.

Perhaps for me, I have to go through forgiveness to get to this place where I can watch without judgement. Forgive myself the need to label and analyze things, then watch as the labels disappear when I don't give them the significance that they once had. Breaking free of the cage of my own making, not the chains that bind me to Master but the ones I've forged on my own.