Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The other L word

Being bound, blindfolded, whipped, cropped, slapped, spanked, choked, photographed naked, or video taped, doesn’t frighten me half as much as the other L word. You know the one; it starts with an L and ends with an e. Even the thought of it makes me quake in my shoes and want to run and hide.

I’m a basket case when it comes to relationships. I try to learn from my past mistakes and I think the last few years have been monumental in my growth but it’s frightening to think that I will get it wrong again. But really what will happen if I do? I’ve learned from the past that I will not disappear, I may fall apart for a bit but I always dust myself off and move forward…the problem is I tend to keep moving forward with the same type of people and need to break the pattern. I keep thinking the next one will be different but then blam something happens and I realize I'm still dating the same person just in a different package. See that is the rational me talking, the brain, the heart is a completely different matter. The heart sits and says “uh uh, no way are you going to get hurt again, I’m going to build this wall here and hide behind it”.

See my heart likes to think it’s in control…sort of like me. I know there are some things in life that we can’t control but that doesn’t mean I don’t still try. I’m a control freak remember? Of course I also question my judgment when it comes to relationships. I’ve been burned so many times it’s scary to let go, relax and just see where life takes me. I have to say Master is extremely patient with me in this regard, he gets this rational tone to his voice and makes it all seem so easy, so clear. Then I hang up the phone and two minutes later I’m in my head again.

My relationship with Master is probably the healthiest one I’ve been in so far. (Which by its very nature may sound absurd but it's true). His personality is much different than anyone else I've been involved with and I think I knew that this relationship would be different and that’s why Master scared me so much when we first met. It freaked me out so badly that I had to back off for a time. Now that I’ve opened myself up again I’m still scared but it’s not the all consuming scariness that I had before.

Before I get tons of e-mail on this let me state that I’m not worried he is going to hurt me physically (at least not on purpose) or anything like that. He gets in my head, and sees me, I find myself opening up in ways that I’ve never done before and that can be terrifying. So its not that I’m really scared of him personally it’s more that I’m scared of him breaching the carefully constructed wall around my heart, leaving it crumbling and me vulnerable. I can sense the cracks in the foundation and I guess this is life deciding it is time to teach me a new lesson about submission. Learning to let go and enjoying the ride, wherever it takes me. Wish me luck.


Anonymous said...

hey sweetie...tagged you for a meme if you want to do it.... love your blog!!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

I know exactly how you feel, Master and I just passed 4 years together and I had a bit of a freak out. I started asking how I would know I was in love with him, I started questioning everything about our relationship. The L-word is tough but have faith, it all turns out ok.