Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Night

I listen to the wind howling outside, the fallen leaves dancing across the pavement. The cold seeps in through the old walls making the room cold. I slip down further under the warmth of the down comforter but I still can’t seem to get warm. I shiver and move closer into his warmth. He grumbles in his sleep as my cold flesh touches him but he automatically pulls me closer and envelops me in his arms.

I sigh, trying to forget about what woke me. My crazy insecure thoughts and fears always seem to rise to the surface during the night. It’s easier during the day, I keep myself busy, occupy myself with other things but when night falls and the quiet settles over the house they creep around the corners of my mind. Like a mouse seeking out little bits of food my brain picks at the threads of past fears, past hurts, casting doubts.

How can I trust when I have been hurt so many times? How do I surrender these fears to the past? I feel as if I am balanced on a ledge holding on by my fingertips, knowing that I need to let go in order to move forward. I put on a good front, but inside fear eats me up and haunts my nights. He pulls me tighter as if he can sense my unease.

“What’s wrong?” he mumbles sleepily.

“Nothing Sir” I reply.

“Stop thinking” he says and turns my head, gives me a quick kiss and falls back to sleep.

I chuckle to myself, at how well he knows me. A small smile forms on my lips as I snuggle back into his body, my brain quieted for the moment. I continue to listen to the wind howling outside the window but this time it doesn’t sound so scary. The shadows and doubts have been pushed aside and my body relaxes into sleep.

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