Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Photographs

I was browsing some other slave blogs today and I started to notice a common theme, many slaves have an aversion to having their picture taken while training. This really struck a cord with me. I used to have a very hard time with having my photo taken on regular occasions so it was particularly difficult for me to adjust to Master frequently taking photos during my trainings.

There are many reasons for this, I think like most women I have body image issues, I'm very critical of what I see in the mirror. It’s actually quite sad that so many of us can't embrace our shape. I applaud those women of varying shapes and sizes who love and accept their bodies. I am just beginning to embrace mine.

Another reason I’m leery of photos is the whole fear of them winding up on the internet somewhere where a coworker or family member will find it. I’m fairly identifiable in most photos so one leaked photo could seriously damage my career. So for me, Master’s photos of me were not only a lesson in acceptance of myself but also in trust.

When I first met Master I was very against any photos being taken of me. I voiced my objection which was noted, but ignored, as was his right. He has been very generous in not sharing these photos with anyone though. However, he has taken a few recently in which it would be very difficult to identify me and we have discussed sharing these with others. The decision is ultimately his but I am filled with gratitude at his willingness to discuss it with me. He can be very generous.

I have always found women attractive. I love their bodies and adore worshiping them with my fingers, hands, mouth etc. I have been with women of many shapes and sizes and my critics’ eye remains silent, it seems to only be reserved for me. Women’s shapes are erotic and beautiful and it has always struck me as such a paradox that I can feel this way about others and yet I am still so critical of my own body.

It’s still quite hard for me to look at the photos that Master has taken of me. I look at them with such a critical eye, but I am starting to see the beauty that he sees, the shape of my hip, the curve of my ass, the sexiness of an arched foot, the curve of my breasts. I have started to take photos of myself as a gift to him, and sometimes it's easier for me to look at those photos.

I feel that I am moving toward greater acceptance. It gets harder to feel critical when you are bound and posed on a bed or in a corner unable to move, with Master watching you as he would a sculpture or piece of art. You can’t help but feel beautiful like that. Sure at first it can be embarrassing; I would even go so far as to say humiliating at times. I would often disassociate taking myself away from what was happening but Master would bring me back to my training, making sure I understood my role. I don't find it quite as difficult anymore and strive to arch and curve my body in a way that is pleasing to him.

I’ve accepted the scrutiny of his gaze but I still have trouble with the photos. I’m hoping it won’t take too long before I can look at photos of myself, that he has taken of me bound, posed and submissive and appreciate the beauty as he does. I guess some barriers are just harder to break through than others.

1 comment:

slavejane07 said...

When I look at pictures of myself I see flab. Even big girls who post their pics...they have curve and some sorta style. My boobs point down so you can't see the nipple. My stomach hangs, so you can;t see coochie...
Who wants to see that? I am struggline with this hard. I have just finished doing my make up. And I have to get dress todo the pictures. I am nervous. I think I may throw up.
I know I am goign to have a very hard time posting them.

~~jane