An offering

I kneel naked at your feet.

My back is straight,

my knees spread,

hands behind my back.

My head is tilted to the side and bent back exposing my throat.

My breasts rise and fall with my breath,

my nipples are tight peaks,

wetness forms between my legs.

Goosebumps cover my flesh

not from being cold but the anticipation of what is to come.

I wait, vulnerable, submissive, an offering.

I am yours.

Male Submissives

Corvan's comment to my last post made me think about male subs/slaves. I can't imagine how hard it may be for some men to accept their submissive sides. I know the disgust and negativity that is directed my way when people who don't understand these urges read my blog. I would imagine it is worse for male subs.

Men who even remotely appear to answer or care about what their girlfriend or wives think are labeled as pussy whipped or weak. It's even worse for those who may have lower paying jobs than the women they live with. If they aren't the main provider they aren't fulfilling their role as the "man of the house".

Strange to think that in this day these stereotypes are still so pervasive but they continue to be perpetuated. In some ways I think female subs have may have it easier. Many D/s, M/s relationships with female subs tend to follow a more traditional old fashioned relationship where the man is in charge and the woman submits. We see images of this all the time in old movies, and tv shows, we may even see it in our families. But reverse that dynamic and how many examples do you see? Not many.

Its funny though I often hear women talking about how they wish their man would do what they say, etc...but then when they see it in action they call the woman a bitch or they can't understand why the man puts up with it. Such a double standard.

Due to all these stereotypes about the way men "should" be I can imagine it is very difficult to embrace the opposite. The comments from others alone would be enough to get so many to push these feelings aside. I would imagine that many who can't truly accept it or can't identify their submissive need often unconsciously seek out abusively domineering women and then resent them for taking the control they don't really want but are afraid to admit.

I don't know maybe that's wrong but I do have to give kudos to those male subs/slave out there who have embraced their role and the dominant women who love, care and fulfill them in and open, healthy way. Breaking free of stereotypes is never easy.

What BDSM Has Taught Me

I know many people don't understand the M/s dynamic. They think that those of us who participate in these types of relationships are sick, perverse, crazy etc. They think that as women we are weak, being taken advantage of and have low self-esteem. (Sorry I can't speak for the male subs/slaves out there but I'm sure people say similar things).

As I've posted previously, these ideas are even present in so called "kink friendly" books when authors have a bias that she or he just can't shake. It's no wonder so many people hide their kinky side or feel that there must be something wrong with them when they first find these feelings emerge. Its hard to find positive portrayals of bdsm relationships. I am so thankful for the blogger out there who share their positive stories and bring bdsm and sub/Dom feelings out of the dungeon to share with others.

There are so many positive aspects to my relationship with Master. He has taught me so much and enriched my life in so many ways. It makes me crazy to think that so many would condemn it as sick. Master has helped me to trust, to let go of insecurities, to enjoy the moment. He has taught me acceptance of the submissive side of myself and shown me that to be a Dom/Master doesn't mean you have to be a manipulative, hurtful jerk.

I don't find myself weaker or with lower self esteem as a result of my M/s relationship in fact I feel more confident, more at ease with who I am. I am able to stop being such a control freak and let go of more things. My relationship has enabled me to realize that my need for control is really an insecurity, and by letting go I am actually more in control than when I try to micromanage.

In learning to surrender I have learned so much about myself. My inner struggles and ultimate surrender during training lessons with Master can often teach me so much about how I relate to situations outside of my relationship and learn to let things go. Surrender comes in so many forms, can mean so many different things and can teach us so much. In my quest to let go I am finding more happiness because I am not trying to juggle everything around me.

I think when people peel back the layers of the bdsm relationship they will find so much more hidden underneath. Its time for people to unshackle themselves from limiting beliefs and let go.

Rainy Days

I lay in bed and listen to the rhythm of the rain as it bounces off the windows, the distinct hush of the cars as they drive down the wet road. I shiver and pull the blankets up higher. The bed feels so empty, so cold. I miss your warmth pressing into my back, your arms wrapped around me, the feel of your breath on my neck.

Its a lazy Sunday, a perfect day to stay inside and be tied to a bedpost, a chair or anything for that matter. But you aren't here, I'm on my own today. Thoughts of what your hands could be doing to me make me shiver. I haven't been given permission to come so I try to push these thoughts away but they keep coming back.

The sting of your hand, the whistle of a crop of whip as it slices through the air right before it stings my flesh raising red welts across my body that will fade in a few hours. The heat of my flesh after a good spanking, the cold wetness of the ice cube that you run down my back making me arch and gasp. The ache that forms between my legs begging for your touch.

My nipples harden, begging to be pinched between your fingers, or feel the tight pressure of clamps as they are fastened in place. My body arches off the bed. I want you. I know I have to stop this train of thought, its taking me to places I am not allowed to go right now. It's times like this when I feel the tightness of the collar around my throat. The knowledge that my body is not my own. It belongs to you. I squeeze my legs together only making the need worse. I sigh and fling the covers back gasping at the cold air, knowing it is exactly what I need. I need to clear my head think of other things, I get up and stagger to the bathroom, hoping a shower will help push these thoughts away. But then I start thinking of your hands slick with soapy bubbles caressing me as the water cascades across my body and realize I better make that a cold shower.

Tease

I lay on side on the bed in my panties and bra.
"Push your thoughts aside and just feel" he says.
The rough sensation of his hand against my skin makes me tingle.
I love he way his fingers gently dancing across my flesh right before he pinches or slaps me.
"Close your eyes"
I do as I'm told, laying there my eyes shut focusing on his touch.
Across my belly, my hips, down my thighs, his hands go where they want after all I am his.
He doesn't ask when he pulls my panties down in the back exposing my ass.
I feel naughty, exposed, my panties half off his hand kneading and parting the rounded cheeks of my ass.
I push back into him which must have been what he was waiting for since when he achieved it his hands moved on.
Back up across my belly traveling to my breasts.
I reach back to unhook it for him but he stops me.
"Relax, if I want it off I'll take it off."
His hand reaches under my bra, gripping my breast.
His fingers rolling and gently flicking my nipple. First one then the other.
I don't want him to stop.
It feels so good.
I want to press my breasts harder into his hands but don't worried it will make him stop like it did when he had his hands on my ass.
After a few moments though I lose that precious control and my body takes over, my brain shuts down.
I press my chest forward.
When his hand slips from under my bra I make a soft whimper.
I knew it was going to happen but I had hoped it wouldn't stop.
His hand makes its way slowly back to my ass where he begins to gently spank me.
The strikes are more like pats but begin to increase in strength.
I feel the heat building within me.
I can imagine the redness of my flesh under his hand.
I wiggle and push back even though each sting of his hand increases in pain.
I can't help it I want more.
My flesh feels alive, tingling, flushed with heat.
All too soon he stops and pulls me tight against him.
I feel his hardness pushing against my ass.
I push back but he stills me with a firm grip on my hips.
"Not yet" He says.
And his hand moves back up to caress my belly, his fingers slipping into the front of my panties teasing me as they quickly slide back out.
He pulls my panties down the rest of the way tossing them aside.
His hands now roam free his fingers softly tickling the inside of my thigh, grazing across my clit and then quickly away.
He cups his hand between my legs, one finger slipping briefly between my lips feeling my wetness.
I wiggle wanting more but he holds me where I am.
His hand tightens slightly, "this is mine along with the rest of you, I know you want more but right now I am enjoying my exploration. This may be all you get. I havent' decided if I will allow you more or if I will use you today. Perhaps I will just tease you today and use you tomorrow."
I whimper, pushing into his hand.
"Be good and I may change my mind and use you sooner rather than later although I do like the thought of you walking around all day with wet panties."
"Please Master" I whisper.
"We shall see." he said as he thrust two fingers deep inside me and then quickly removed them.
I whimpered and groaned knowing that it was going to be along day.

Cage Of My Own Making

It's so interesting how the mind works. I find that when I break a rule or misbehave in some way I wind up punishing myself far more than Master ever could. I dwell on it, try to figure out the motive behind it, try to see if there is some unconscious thought behind it. Then I just wind up making myself miserable and in my head. As I've said before, I think too much.

I have to state that it doesn't only happen within the context of my relationship with Master, its something I struggle with in other aspects of my life as well. So how to break this cycle? Well I guess its about forgiveness. Forgiveness of self. Not always an easy thing to do.

I am hard on myself. When I mess up I internalize it, which I know is self destructive. Maybe it stems from childhood with an overcritical family. Whatever it is I need to learn to let go. Ahh there we go, forgiveness and surrender, my two biggest challenges in life.

I know that when I struggle and go through my internal battle with whatever task or situation I am in with Master, I rail and scream and then give in and surrender, realizing the freedom in it. But then later when I think back on it I beat myself up about the process. Okay not always, but occasionally. I think it depends on the situation or how hard the surrender was for me. Sometimes I surrender when I have an "ah ha" moment when something clicks and it makes sense, other times its just about me letting go and trusting...thats when I think I have the hardest time. Then I struggle to forgive myself the battle, for some reason assuming that just because I've been a slave for a long time I should automatically just give in, my personality should change and surrender should come easy.

Or maybe its not about forgiveness and its just about surrender without judgment. Its so easy to talk or think about just letting these thoughts and feelings pass through my head without judgment. It would also be healthier than what I do. To just acknowledge that I have these feelings, that they are there, that its okay and move on. Surrendering to the thoughts and realizing the freedom in not having to label them or process them or figure them out...just letting them be.

Perhaps for me, I have to go through forgiveness to get to this place where I can watch without judgement. Forgive myself the need to label and analyze things, then watch as the labels disappear when I don't give them the significance that they once had. Breaking free of the cage of my own making, not the chains that bind me to Master but the ones I've forged on my own.

Broken Rules

I haven't been the best slave recently, I've broken one of my main rules (cursing) at least 3 times in the last 2 days. It's like my brain shut off and I can't stop myself. I do it, I realize I just messed up and I hope that Master didn't catch it. Of course he always does. I'm not sure what's going on, I know this is a hard rule for me but I'm usually not this bad. The other piece is that when I would slip up before I would acknowledge it and apologize immediately, now I cross my fingers that he didn't hear it. Whats up with that?

When I sit back and analyze it I get all in my head and get even more confused. Do I want to be punished? Am I unconsciously pushing a limit to see what happens? Is it truly just a slip up? Is there just a thing?

I don't know, I just know something has to change. I feel like I've been walking around with my head in the clouds. Maybe that's why its happening, I'm looking for grounding. Life has been quite chaotic (well more than usual) and my head has been spinning with questions I just don't have the answers to, or maybe I do and just don't want to listen to them.

Maybe these small acts of defiance are my subconscious mind seeking grounding. A way to get out of my head and back in my body. Or maybe I'm using it as a way to escape (not in a good way more in an avoidance way) what's going on in my head hoping that my "slip ups" will lead to physical punishment that will help me avoid my mental junk.

Or maybe I just think too much.

Communication

It seems that communication, or lack of communication has been stirring up a lot of people's relationships recently. There are blog posts, and board topics popping up everywhere about it...maybe its the time of year for this type of thing but it's interesting that so many people are dealing with this issue right now. Personally I think the stress of the holidays and the economic crisis facing the country and hitting all of our wallets is a huge contributing factor but nevertheless, I think communication issues are things that plague all relationships again and again.

I really try to communicate right away with Master when something starts to bother me or nag at me but sometimes I just can't seem to find the words. That's when I get in my head. Is it me? Did I do something? Then I reverse it with thoughts of , its just lack of sleep, its no big deal, I'm sure this will just pass. Either way I go round and round until I get the guts to say something and then it usually turns out to be nothing that a quick 2 minute conversation would have satisfied instead of spending days arguing with myself about whether or not to say something. Silly me.

Then there are the times when I just can't seem to find the nerve to bring something up in person but I can write about it. I'll send Master an e-mail, or post something here. Not the most direct type of communication, and not the most wise either but its a step. At least I'm getting it out when before I would just sit on it and stew. Its interesting, for someone so open about so many things I can also be very closed and guarded. But that's learned behavior from past experiences, and its a tough habit to break but I also know I have to try because when you close off communication you just create more problems.

I also find that there are times that I think I have the guts to bring something up but then I feel that it might not be the right time for Master. It might seem to me that he has too much on his plate at the moment and doesn't need to "deal" with my insecurities or issues so I keep my mouth shut (well at least for talking!) but now I'm wondering if I just shouldn't at least ask if its a good time to talk or mention that something is bothering me and see if its a good time. If I try to play mind reader and get it wrong, I could be getting myself in more trouble and asking seems like a much better alternative.

Then there are the other kinds of communication issues which are really about the way in which we communicate. For example I am a fixer by nature, if you talk to me and present me with a problem or issue you are having I will feel compelled to "fix" it. I am really learning how to just sit back and listen and not always offer advice or to at least ask if they want any advice but it tough. It's particularly tough when it comes to communication with Master.

Its a rough balance for me to know if I'm crossing the line into being cocky, bossy and demanding or just trying to be helpful. I know its all about tone, body language etc but that's not always easy when you are writing an e-mail, and its sometimes even difficult on the phone. I don't believe I've actually crossed that particular line (yet) but I really work at it.

I can be quite passionate about things and I do get rather wound up about certain topics, and in that regard Master has had to reign me in and tell me to chill. It's my tone more than my comments, unless of course I lapse into a stream of cursing, which does happen and gets me in a ton of trouble. Of course once in that mode it's not always so easy to turn that off, but I try.

Then there is the fact that I'm just a sarcastic and playful person. I don't do it to be disrespectful and do try to reign it in under certain circumstances but sometimes I just can't help myself and something slips out, but its usually meant in a fun light. (Good thing Master has a sense of humor!) Although if I'm tired or not feeling well I can be very short, or snarky in my comments which usually gets me a look or worse.

Communication is hard work, no wonder we struggle with it!

Almost Perfect

I was tired, cold and crashing from a carbohydrate coma from stupidly believing yummy high carb foods would keep me going...duh not, now my body was crashing. I hadn't slept well the night before, my train this morning had run 1/2 hour late and then I spent 1 1/2 hour getting to my destination and then another half hour navigating the subway system of an unfamiliar city. I was definitely verging on cranky. I partially blame myself for deciding not to drive to see Master this time but with the holidays and the traffic a relaxing train ride sounded much better and despite the minor aggravations I still think it was the right decision.

Master and I had just gotten back from running some errands and while it was the middle of the day I just couldn't bring myself to not wander into the bedroom to lay down. I lay sideways across the foot of the bed and grabbed the paper I had just brought upstairs. I wasn't sure if we were staying or leaving right away. So while my first inclination was to undress, as Master prefers to keep me, I thought I had better stay clothed in case he wanted to leave right away. I didn't want him cranky by having to wait for me.

I lay on my stomach, up on my elbows, my knees bent, toes slightly pointed and kicked my legs slowly back and forth. Master wandered into the bedroom and gave me a funny look he can't understand why I don't lay on a bed the "normal" way. I can never seem to lay on a bed straight unless its time to sleep, and even then I have a hard time. I am always diagonal or sideways or some other ways. Sometimes my head is at the end of the bed, sometimes up by the pillows, and sometimes I am standing on the floor just leaning on the bed reading a book or a newspaper, using my laptop or whatever (I know its strange, I'm quirky and I'm okay with that.)

He shooed my feet out of the way and lay down with his head propped up against the pillows watching me. I looked up at him, quickly folded the paper back up and moved it to within his reach. Master put his hand on it and told me to strip. I wasn't sure if I was in trouble or not for not having already done this, but he didn't seem upset with me. My mind wavered between apologizing for not having already done this and just keeping quiet because sometimes I tend to over think things and that gets me in worse trouble. I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again, made quick work of shedding my clothing and crawled back up on the bed next to him figuring this might be one of those times to stay silent.

I lay my head on Masters shoulder while he read the paper and absently stroked my back. It was wonderfully relaxing. We tried doing the crossword puzzle but got stumped half way through sometimes it's hard to come up with a four letter word for a sword that starts with an e, especially when your mind starts wandering toward other more vigorous activities. (Btw the answer would be epee)

Master put the paper down and gave my ass a few soft taps followed by a few more forceful slaps. The stinging pain quickly snapped me out of my drowsy half sleep, making parts of my body flush and take notice. I maneuvered my body sideways to better accommodate him. (I swear it had nothing to do with the fact that I really enjoy being spanked!) My ass was stinging within a few moments, each blow arousing me further and making me wince, twitch and whimper. I moved my head toward his lap hoping he would allow me to hold his cock in my mouth while he continued his assault upon my ass.

He seemed to be in an accommodating mood because I quickly found his warm flesh between my lips and halfway down my throat. I groaned in appreciation as I ran my tongue up and down while sliding him in and out of my mouth. My body was on fire and I was becoming lost to the sensations. Master grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled my head up leaving a trail of drool running down my chin.

"Come here." He said and pulled me down next to him my ass pressed against his hard cock. "Open your legs" he ordered and I quickly obeyed, helping him slide inside me making me whimper and press back taking him deeper inside my body. I was very aroused and wanted him to just take me hard and fast but of course Master had other plans.

He held me tightly against his body, only allowing the briefest of movement just making me feel. I shuddered, struggling to move closer, to drive him deeper, I wanted more. If I had been standing up I might have stamped my foot I was feeling like a petulant child not getting her way. I whimpered and pouted but he held me tight, whispering in my ear all that had just been done to me, all that he planned to do. I continued to struggle until his hand slipped up around my throat. Just holding me like that, not squeezing just a gentle grip on my throat and I instantly stilled, my mind quieted and I allowed him to guide me slowly.

"That's a good girl." He said. "Surrender. Who owns you?"

"You do Master." I whispered.

"That's right. And do you know what just happened to you?"

I shook my head no. My mind was still foggy with arousal and I was having a hard time trying to understand his questions.

"Were you told to strip?"

"Yes Master" I replied.

"Were you spanked?"

"Yes Master" My voice quivered. My arousal barely contained.

"Did you suck cock?"

"Yes Master."

"And now what is happening?"

"You are taking my body, using me for your enjoyment Master." I whimpered, my breath coming faster, my nipples tightening.

"That's right. So you were stripped, spanked, made to suck cock and then used."

I groaned and haltingly responded, "Yes Master, I was stripped, spanked, made to suck cock and used for your pleasure."

"Good girl." He said. "Would you like to come?"

"Yes Sir!" I practically shrieked, his slow methodical torture driving me mad.

"Not yet, I think you need to learn some more control."

A sob escaped my throat and I felt my anger flare. How dare he! I hated when he pulled this, taking me to the brink and then letting me simmer, or even worse denying me satisfaction. My arousal lessened as my anger took hold. I felt myself begin to struggle. Master must have felt it also because his grip on my throat tightened and I felt my anger slip away replaced by surrender.

"Watch that anger slave, you need to learn more control over your emotions. Now calm down or you will be denied."

"Yes Master" I whispered, slowing my breath, my anger still simmering in the back of my mind but I held it in check and released myself to Masters will.

"Good." He said, releasing his grip but keeping his hand where it was.

My desire began to grow again as his movements increased, thrusting deeper and harder inside me. He took me back to the brink again, holding me there. My breath coming faster, my mind trying hard to hold back, to hold still, to allow him to guide me. My body started quivering from the strain, sweat coating my body.

"Come for me." he whispered thrusting harder inside me.

It took me a moment for me to comprehend his words I was concentrating so hard on holding back. I relaxed my mind, and just let myself feel. Within moments I gasped and sobbed, my body arching backward, the slight pressure of his hand on my throat sending shivers down my spine, the thoughts of what he could do to me making it that much more erotic in my head. Tears ran down my cheeks, my body on fire. Master slowed, barely moving behind me while my body bucked and clenched around him.

I lay there in Masters arms, my emotions so raw I couldn't stop the tears.

"I'm sorry I'm such a brat Master. Thank you for being so good to me." I mumbled through my tears.

He grabbed my face and turned my face to look at him but I couldn't look him in the eye. I was ashamed of my behavior earlier.

"Look at me." He said forcefully.

I struggled to obey not wanted to be disobedient twice. I slowly raised my eyes to his. He looked at me, wiped a tear away with his fingers, and said "You are not a brat, you are a good slave. Are there times that you need to be reminded of your place? Yes, but you are too hard on yourself, I don't expect perfection. I know you struggle sometimes but ultimately you surrender. "

I just started at him, not knowing what to say, an inner war raging in my head. He was right I am hard on myself. I expect perfection and struggle when I don't achieve it. I don't know how to change that, its an ongoing process that I have seen small changes in but it is going very slowly and I'm not good with waiting.

"Thank you Master." I said because it was the only thing I could say. Anything else would have gotten me in trouble. The 'I'll try to be better' thoughts I kept to myself. He pinched my nose and let go of my face. I turned away, snuggled back into him, and gave in to my exhaustion.

24/7?

There is always some big debate raging by people in the bdsm world about being 24/7 in this life and those who find that this is impossible and just a really fake designation because no one can be 24/7. I don't mind the debates, I actually find some of the points on both sides fascinating but what I hate to see is the venom and anger that spews from these discussions. What happened to people being able to express their opinions? Why people can't seem to be civil and not take things so personally I can't figure out. I know there are people out there who thrive on drama and need it as part of their lives but geez, is it so difficult to discuss things in an adult fashion?

I have learned over the years not to make statements on public bulletin boards directed at a particular person and to always make comments and statements from my perspective and about my experience. My comments still get taken out of context and people have thought I'm directing negative comments at the way they live. I guess this is all part of human nature, this need to be right or maybe its learned behavior where some people feel they are always being put down and criticized and they can't see that just because someone doesn't agree with you they aren't necessarily against you either. They remain in this fight mode feeling the need to constantly prove a point.

You can see some of this more clearly in the more hot button issues of abortion and gay marriage. Oh there are those who blatantly are against these issues but then there are those who don't agree with them for themselves but really feel that we shouldn't create laws against them. I am not going to express my personal opinion on either of these issues I don't want to get into a debate about that...that's material for a different blog, this one is about my M/s relationship and bdsm so back to the 24/7 debate but those issues give really good examples of what I am talking about. People on both sides are often very adamant about their beliefs often to the point of thinking someone is always against their point of view if they aren't 100% in agreement.

I would never state that my relationship was 24/7 since Master and I don't live together but I do find some credence to this whole 24/7 thing. I know that everyone has things in their life that are outside the bounds of their bdsm relationship, parenting, work (as long as it isn't in a fetish shop), grocery shopping, etc.... these are the aspects of every day life that people use to argue the 24/7 designation. I totally understand that people aren't walking around tied up with gags in their mouths at school conferences. There is a vanilla aspect to everyones life, there has to be unless you live in a bdsm bubble where you never have to interact with anyone outside of the scope of this community.

But here is the catch, for me I have a set of rules that Master has given me. Ways in which I need to keep myself, ways to address him in e-mails etc. In my head I am his slave, this doesn't change when I go to work and I'm the boss. When I hear his voice I (usually) am brought back to this reality.

So do I consider my slavery 24/7? In some ways I believe it is, for me its not just about the ropes, whips, etc to me its a mindset. Master and I still go out and have fun, go to the movies, or out to dinner, run errands etc, like vanilla couples but if I slip up and utter a curse or say something he finds disrespectful, it doesn't matter where we are I will know I screwed up, a look, a tight grasp of my wrist and I remember who I belong to. Even if we are just speaking on the phone there is a tone to his voice when I overstep that sends a shiver through my body and in my head I am quickly on my knees at his feet. In my mind I am owned and Master holds the keys to my collar, a collar that may be invisible to most but to me its there all the time.

Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus....

.....and Christmas wishes do come true.

While visions of sugar plums were not high on the list of fantasies dancing in my head over Christmas, visions of being bent over and disciplined were. I posted my Christmas wish here because I get shy about asking for things like this in person. (Its a bad habit that we are trying to break but I am still struggling with it.) Luckily Master agreed that it had been too long since his friendly crop had come to play and gave me a post Christmas surprise.

We spent a delightfully low key day together, running a few errands etc, but most of it was spent at his home. For the most part when we are in private I am kept naked although occasionally a pretty pair of panties will be allowed. Master likes to keep me accessible to his whim and I am happy to comply.

At some point during the day while happily worshiping his cock I heard a familiar whistle through the air but couldn't place it fast enough before the sharp sting that followed bit the right cheek of my ass. I gasped (which is hard to do with your mouth full) and then groaned with desire as the crop struck again. I was close to weeping from happiness as he continued his torment, but held back, I didn't want to distract him with my tears.

Being the little slut that I am, I repositioned myself so that I could continue my oral duty and Master had a better line of attack upon my ass, (I wouldn't want it to be inconvenient or uncomfortable for him to discipline me). Master apparently appreciated my position change because I heard the words that make my heart sing when I am in service "Good girl, such a good little slave aren't you?" I'm sure I wiggled in response, my arousal growing. Between the burning heat from his blows and the cock filling my mouth I was in heaven and at that point I couldn't imagine how the day could get any better. That is until he decided to use me as a cock ornament.

I slid down his length, my back to him so that he could continue to redden my ass, while he was buried inside me. My torment grew as I felt him filling me. Impaled on Masters cock, feeling him deep inside me while the crop snapped and bit at my backside was blissful torture. Occasionally Master would run an ice cold glass over my heated flesh making me squirm and cry out from the contrasting sensations. I could barely contain my emotions at this point, reduced to a shivering primal animal. I moaned, tears barely held in check, as I held back the orgasm that kept trying to escape. After what seemed like an eternity Master did allowed me to come several times leaving me quivering, bruised, sore, barely able to think and blissfully happy.

For the remainder of the day I continued to feel the heated tingle of the discipline I had received. It was a delicious reminder of my slavery and continues to be today, and if the bruises are any indication, will be for at least a few more days!

I hope everyone else had their wishes come true, I wonder if New Years has a similar magic to it?

Whats in a name?

I encountered a discussion the other day about what subs or slaves call their Owners/Doms/Masters/Daddys etc..in public or around family and friends. Most seem to call them by their given names, some avoid it, and some just continue to use Sir or Master. I was completely caught up in this discussion, it fascinates me what other people do. One person brought up that names hold power, that when you hear your name even if it isn't directed toward you, you answer or at the very least turn toward it, I never really thought about that but it's true...well I don't have a very common name so for me when I hear it I'm fascinated to see who might have it too. I guess if you have a more common name like David, Joe, Michael etc.. it might not hold as much sway over you but I honestly wouldn't know.

It made me realize that in the many years (somewhere around 7 or 8 maybe more, I have a hard time pinning down the exact year we met) I have known Master I have never used his name in his presence. I have used it in situations like checking into a hotel where the reservation is under his name or things like that but not if he is with me. It always feels so awkward and strange, it doesn't just roll off my tongue, I often stumble over it. I actually get shy using it and it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I feel disrespectful saying it. I know it's not disrespectful if he says its okay to use it in certain situations but I just have such a hard time with it.

If I need to address him in public I will use an endearment or get his attention by touch before I would use his name, even if that means I have go out of my way to get his attention I will do it. I don't even have him programmed in my phone with his given name, I use his initials. I am okay using his initials. I know its strange that I feel more comfortable calling Master by his initials than his name but I can't help it.

This is totally my hang up. Master has no problem with me using his name in certain situations, in fact he wants me to and I can't. (hold that thought until you read the next sentence) I know it is even more disrespectful not to adhere to his wishes but I just can't seem to do it. I think if I needed to, if I couldn't get his attention any other way I would use his name, but I would try everything I could to avoid it. When speaking to other people I play the pronoun game or find other creative ways to avoid using his name. I've gotten quite skilled at it so far.

Its funny I wonder, at this point if he would even answer if I used his name. He might not even realize I am speaking to him! I'm sure it would sound just as funny to him coming from my mouth as it does to me. So for now I will continue to be creative and keep my fingers crossed that I can avoid situations where using his name to speak to him would be inevitable.

If you are wondering what Master calls me, he uses my name for the most part, often with slave in front of it or sometimes just slave, or slut, it really depends on the situation. My name doesn't shorten to a nickname or anything like that. I've heard that some slaves have special names that their Masters call them, slave names I think they refer to them as, but we have never done this. I know I would have a hard time answering to it a different name. I have a hard enough time answering to my own name! Half the time it takes me a few moment to process that Master is even speaking to me. I'm either lost in thought, half listening or just plain can't hear him (I've got some mild hearing loss due to being stupid when I was a teenager). I can't imagine the struggle to answer to a different name.

A Christmas Wish

A Christmas wish....

I miss my friend.
I haven't seen my friend for quite some time.
Loving yet harsh, I always anticipate our next meeting.
I have a love hate relationship with my friend.

I love the way my friend makes my heart beat faster.
I love the way my skin tingles in anticipation of my friends touch.
I feel a flush of heat between my legs whenever my friend comes to play.

My friend can also be cruel.
Sometimes leaving harsh marks upon my body.
Occasionally, my friends touch reduces me to tears of joy, of pain, of excitement.
Despite this I am happy when my friend is around.

Some will wonder why we are friends and this I can not explain.
I think the friendship grew on me.
I didn't like my friend at all when we first met but I have come to understand and appreciate the different aspects my friend brings to my life.

Many may wonder how Master feels when my friend is around.
I think he appreciates my friend as much as I do.
He watches the different emotions as they flit across my face when my friend comes to play.
And he loves the way my friend makes me gasp, moan, flinch and scream.

My Christmas wish is that Master will allow my friend to come play again.
I will beg if I need to, down on my knees.
Please Master, please it's been a long time, bring the crop out of hiding, I miss it so much.
The bite and the sting of my friend striking my flesh, I crave it, I need it, I yearn for its touch.
I hope Christmas dreams do come true and my friend will come visit very soon.

Nostalgia

I don't know what it is about the end of the year that always makes me want to look back. But I've been thinking about how I met Master and how we got to where we are.

There were always aspects of bdsm that attracted me even after I escaped from the hell of a M/s relationship gone bad. ( where it all began ) Even though I was leery of these desires I would find myself seeking aspects of it in my vanilla world. I would find a partner with a little kink in them, someone willing to spank me (just not as hard or as long as I wanted) or pull my hair (again not as hard as I would like) or even tie me up, but much as I didn't want to admit it to myself I think that my early experience gave me a taste for something harder. After these experiences I was often left unfulfilled and upset, thinking that it was the kink that was the problem when the real problem was that it wasn't kinky enough. I needed more.

I began writing, hoping that I could fulfill this inexplicable need I had burning inside me. I started expressing my kinkier side in words instead of deeds. The tight bondage, the whippings, the more aggressive sex, the choking, restraint, the rules etc...unfortunately the more I wrote about it the more I wanted it, needed it. Of course this was the time of the big internet boom, when chat rooms were something new and exciting and kink bulletin boards and news feeds were just starting to become popular. I found a whole new world at my fingertips. My writing had found an audience and among them were a few people that I would consider mentors, guiding me through a sea of information. They looked out for me, talked to me and helped me to discover that a M/s relationship did not have to be the way it had been for me. I was still nervous but I felt I was ready to wade back into the pool. I started chatting and meeting people online but never took it further than cyberspace. In fact I had never consented to even call any Doms/Masters in person until I met Master.

There was something about him that intrigued me. I'm not sure what it was, I can't remember but whatever it was, is still there. It may have been the mix of intelligence and strictness. There was just more to him than just the kink. We could have conversations about all kinds of things. And there was nothing wishy-washy about him. Other Doms/Master even in e-mail would flip-flop on different issues, they didn't have specific rules, they sort of made them up as they went often bowing to my decisions or objections. Master seemed to know what he expected and wanted in a sub/slave and demanded it, he would listen if I objected, think about it and it didn't always turn out the way I wanted. I hated, respected and craved that discipline.

I remember our first meeting, I was so nervous, wondering what I had agreed to. I mean smart people didn't agree to meet strangers they met on the internet who wanted to tie them up did they? I had heard the horror stories of internet meetings gone bad (this was before internet dating was popular so meeting people online was considered taboo). We had been talking on the phone for a while and something told me that things would be okay, so I went with it but I was still nervous. What if he turned out to be a total wack job?

Luckily he wasn't, and that first meeting brought emotions out in me that I thought had been buried for good. When I went home that night I laid in bed and cried. Tears of relief, fear, joy and hope. Relief that I had taken steps to fulfilled needs that had been building in me so long and realizing that they didn't have to be scary. Fear that things would turn out like before. Joy that I had let my submissive side out of its cage in my soul and received amazing rewards. Hope that I could embrace my submissive side in a healthier way and not run from it.

Unfortunately the fear overwhelmed me and I locked my inner submissive away again after a few more meetings. I found it too difficult to embrace this part of myself that yearned for things others considered abnormal. I knew the devastation when a relationship like this went wrong and I didn't want to go back there. I didn't trust myself. I had a bad track record when it came to relationships and I just figured there had to be something I was missing in this one.

Master was understanding and we kept in touch checking in with each other every so often, catching up on each others lives. I think the bond that I had felt when we had first met grew stronger for me during this off period. I still maintained his rules of how to keep myself, I continued to address him as Sir, maintaining my submission to him. It was as if I knew that one day I would be on my knees serving him again in a more physical way. If I am really honest I would have to say that from our first meeting he had captured a piece of my soul and despite not being together I was never really free. There was just something about him that spoke to me. I can't pinpoint it, but thats the only explanation I have for the bond I felt toward him.

I have talked to other Doms/Masters over the years never with an interest in meeting, and referring to them as Sir always felt false and strained. It never sounded right coming off my tongue and I knew that I wouldn't maintain contact with these people. A few people wanted me to call them Master, which never felt right either (I'm not sure why people think they deserve this title from the very beginning) and I would "forget" or call them something else. I think subconciously I knew I already had a Master, an Owner, and these other people were all make believe, a sort of online fantasy role play that helped me explore and understand that the submissive side of myself wasn't "wrong".

Why didn't I just explore these things with Master you wonder. I think it was because of our connection. I think I knew that once I opened that door that it would be hard to close again and as much as I wanted it opened it still scared me. It was easier to be superficial than it was to give in to real emotion. I read blogs, bulletin boards, and occasionally wandered into a bdsm chat but despite it helping me get to know my inner submissive it never really fulfilled me. It did however show me that not all M/s relationships were abusive. I'm sure this helped me to reach a place in my life where I felt comfortable opening that cage door a little wider, which is when I agreed to meet with Master again. I asked him recently if he knew we would see each other again and I don't remember his exact words but it was something along the line of it being inevitable and I would have to agree.

Our reunion was so comfortable it didn't feel strained or awkward. It was like being wrapped in a comfortable old sweatshirt, it just felt so right. Our first intimate interaction upon meeting again was just as powerful as the first time. I still didn't like being on display, and was a little self-conscious because it had been several years and lets face it I don't have the same body I did back then, but it felt natural and right to offer myself to him. His collar may not have physically been around my neck during our separation but it had been there in spirit tethering me to him.

I have no regrets about reopening the door to my submissive side and have found such comfort, joy and growth from my relationship with Master. I don't see my submission as something that holds me back or stifles me, in fact there is an empowerment in it that I just can't describe. I will be forever thankful to Master for taking this journey with me.

Owned

We stared out at the empty beach enjoying the peaceful quiet of the morning. The wind pushed the sand making it dance and swirl, the waves crashed upon the shore leaving little trails of foam as the tide washed out. I watched this silent movie from high above, through the window of the hotel room as I lay in bed the covers pulled up to my chin. Master had his body pressed against my back, his arm draped over my waist, his fingers lightly tracing small circles across my belly, my hips, my breasts. I sighed and wiggled closer to him feeling his hardness press against me, a small moan escaped my lips.

Time seemed to stand still as we lay there. Masters hands continued sending little shivers of pleasure down my body, teasing me. Soon the water didn’t really matter, the calmness of the scenery overshadowed by the burning demand to move, to touch, to taste. Master kept me where I was not allowing me to turn or touch him. The ache between my legs grew, but I knew I was at his mercy.

Through my desire filled haze I felt him shift, “Put this in your mouth.” He said his hand twisting in my hair, pulling me around and forcing my head downward. I groaned in happiness and smiled eagerly before opening my mouth to service him.

I stuck out my tongue and licked around the tip of his cock, I was in ecstasy, I had been waiting for this, to taste him, to touch him. Slowly I wrapped my lips around him sliding down his length while my tongue danced around until I could feel him in the back of my throat. His grip on my hair tightened and he held me there, his cock filling my mouth. I moaned and wriggled, soon I felt a tug on my hair as he allowed me movement as he guided my head up and down.

I shifted position so my body straddled his leg, my breasts grazing his thigh, my nipples tightening as they rubbed against the coarse hair on his leg. His movements became more and more forceful. I tried not to gag as he moved deeper and deeper in my throat, saliva pooling in the corners of my lips because I couldn’t swallow fast enough.

It frightened and excited me when he was forceful and rough. I loved the feeling of total helplessness, of being at his mercy, of knowing that he was stronger and I had little choice but to obey. Occasionally my instincts would kick in and I would try to fight back, if he pushed to deeply in my mouth gagging me, I would feel my head try to pull back, my hands would try and push me away but it never really worked. Then I would bring myself back, remembering who was using me this way, and I would calm down relaxing into the sensations. Somehow Master always seemed to know when I surrendered, letting go of my fears, it was like he would wait until that point before he would unbalance me by exerting his dominance in a new would.

“Get on your knees, head down and face the window” He said forcefully pushing me away.

My brain took a few moments to shift gears but I made my way up to my knees, bending forward my ass presented to him for whatever he had planned. My head was turned to the side, as I waiting in anticipation of what came next. I felt him move behind me, sliding his hands over and across my ass a few times making me squirm and then a sharp crack as his hand came down making me jump and turn my head to bury my face in the blankets. My mind started to wander as I thought about what people might see if our room had been lower, or if it had been nighttime, the lights on and the shades open. I shivered with a mix of excitement and fear. He gave me a few more hard spanks bringing me back from my thoughts to the present. I could feel the heat from where his hand had landed, my skin felt swollen and tender.

“Your ass is getting nice and red. Do you have anything to say about that?”

“No Sir, That’s the way you like it.”

His hand came down again, making me wince and groan. “Do you let just anyone spank you?”

“No Sir.”

He landed another strike, making me whimper. “Aren’t you a grown woman, an executive? Aren’t you in charge?”

“Yes Sir.” I braced myself expecting another strike but it didn't come.

“Then why is this happening? Why do you let me spank you?” He asked.

I relaxed, thinking the spanking was over. “Because you own me Sir, I……” I choked on my words as another blow landed sharply across my ass unsettling me once again. I whimpered and tried again, “I, I am your property, and you can do what you want.” I said slowly.

“That’s right.” He said and I felt his hands grip my hips tightly and the pressure of his cock against me as he buried himself deeply inside me. I cried out loving the full feeling of him impaling me.

He pulled back until he was just barely inside me.

I whimpered and wriggled trying to push him back deeper inside me but he held me fast.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“I want you deeper; I love the way you feel when you’re buried deep inside me,” I whined. “please Sir, please……"

I felt the air move but my brain didn’t register what was happening before I felt another sharp sting on my ass, this one much harder than the last. I cried out, tears involuntarily forming in the corners of my eyes.

“Is that the proper way to address me when I am inside you?” He barked.

“No, Sss…Master.” I whispered.

“That’s better, don’t forget your manners. Now continue what you were saying.”

“I….I …please Master, I want to feel you deep inside me.” I begged.

“It’s not really about what you want.” He said as he slowly pushed only the tip of his cock in and out of me, tormenting me.

“No, Ss…Master, I am at your service, whatever you desire, this body is yours.” I answered, hoping that my answers would produce the results my body wanted, needed, craved.

I felt his hands on my hips tighten and I cried out in happiness, pleasure and frustration as he began roughly thrusting in and out of me. My tears flowed freely now, my emotions overwhelmed by the sensations flowing through my body. One of his hands slid down to my mid back forcibly keeping me from raising my upper body, bending me even further in half.

My back ached, and with every thrust there was pain mixed with pleasure from him driving into me so deep and so hard. It felt good to be so roughly used, I felt joy, and happiness, pleasure and pain but most of all surrender. I was his, I belong to him, my body responded to his hands, I was his instrument to play when he desired.

The pressure was building in my body, I held it back as best I could, but my control was starting to slip. I wasn’t sure if he was going to allow me to come but soon that option may be out of either one of our control as I felt my will over my body begin to fail.

Master must have sensed what was happening, and slowed his movement just enough for me to get a handle on my control. I was becoming delirious, primal instincts taking over, as I moved my body in ways I knew would please him. I heard his sounds of approval as I reached back to feel him as he slid in and out of me.

“Come for me slave.” He said and grabbed a fistful of my hair pulling my head back as he increased his movements once again. I had been waiting for those words, “Thank you Master” I cried out. I had been hoping I would hear those words soon and my body shivered and exploded with the first tug of my hair. I screamed and bucked, never wanting it to end. I felt his body tense, his cock thicken, and his body shudder as he spilled into me. We collapsed together on the bed, panting, and spent.

I whimpered when he pulled out, and he chuckled, knowing that I hated that part more than anything, hated the separation that would leave me feeling empty. After we cleaned up he pulled me back into his arms and we resumed watching the waves down below and he resumed running his hands and fingers across my belly, and hips.

He leaned close to my ear and whispered “You’re a good slave, I’m glad I own you.”

I snuggled back into his warmth a smile on my lips. My body was sated and my mind was content. I am owned I thought and the pleasure of those three little words resonated inside me making me happy, content and a little scared, but I pushed the fear away for another day and with Masters warmth at my back, wrapped in the security of my Owners arms I drifted off to sleep.

Indulgence

I adore when Master indulges me and allows me to take his hand and run it over my body, across my breasts, down my belly, across my hips and ultimately between my legs. Pushing his fingers inside me, the heel of his hand hitting just at that sweet spot a little higher up, my body responding to his touch, yet its my touch as well, as I am guiding his hand. With my hand on his I guide the movement of his fingers, the speed, the pressure, while he whispers in my ear, egging me on telling me how sexy I look, or commenting on how wet I am. The knowledge that he can feel my body responding to his comments makes it all the more delightful.

Its interactive masturbation, it’s fantasy come to life. He gets to experience what I enjoy, learning the secrets of my body, how fast or slow I like it, how much pressure and where and I get the pleasure of knowing that it’s his hand that is pushing me toward ecstasy. Of course writhing around on the bed moaning is a huge turn on for both of us so as I inch closer to the point of no return, he will occasionally become a little more interactive, but not too intrusive to this somewhat solo exploration, bending close to capture one of my nipples in his mouth, making me arch up off the bed in sweet bliss or pressing his body hard against mine, his hips grinding into my ass, my hips.

That usually does it, the last piece of the puzzle that pushes me past that edge to where I can’t hold back anymore, sending me to the slightly scary place of totally surrender, where there is no control, only pleasure, where my body takes over and my mind is pushed to the side. There is no beginning and no end when I reach this point, I am just raw emotion.

Waiting

I kneel fully clothed, my hands behind me, my back straight, my knees slightly parted, my eyes focused downward in submission. I feel Masters gaze on me from where he sits across the room. Internally I squirm, under his watchful eye wishing I was naked. It is easier for me to embrace my role as slave when I am naked with a collar around my neck.

When I am naked I am the slave that bows to the will of my Master, dressed I feel in charge, like I am the boss, but this is an illusion, my status doesn’t change with the clothes I wear. I am his slave, dressed or undressed. So I sit, waiting. Waiting and learning. Learning to release my need for control, remembering who I answer to, who I relinquished my control to when I accepted his collar around my neck.

Time passes slowly while the internal struggle wages war inside me.“I am a responsible grown woman, a leader, not a follower; I don’t answer to anyone, they answer to me. I should get up; I don’t need to stay here. He can’t make me, he won’t make me, and it’s not like he is holding me down.” My mind twists and turns with these thoughts but I don’t get up, I don’t move. I stay where I am, on my knees, eyes down. Why?

I do it not because I have to but because I want to. I do it to satisfy something inside me that craves not having to make all the decisions. I do it because there is nothing more freeing than letting go of who you think you are and just being. With those thoughts I stop fighting, relax and release.

Master can sense when I have let go. He stands up and walks to me; I watch his legs as he approaches and shiver in anticipation. He puts his hand on my head and runs his fingers through my hair. “Good girl” he says “Stand up.”

I stand, tears forming in the corners of my eyes not in sadness but in relief, in appreciation. He leans in, wraps his arms around me and kisses me as a tear slides down my cheek. I am happy, I am cared for, I am a slave, yet I am free.

Breaking Through

How do you serve when you feel miserable? I don’t mean physically sick, just mentally yucky. It’s tough to want to do anything when you feel depressed. I know I struggle with going to work, taking care of other obligations etc. All I want to do is curl up and hide from the world but if you’re a slave your options to hide away in misery may be limited. A Master can’t force a slave to be happy, no one can actually force another person to be happy, and you might think that expecting someone to serve when they feel this way is cruel but actually it can be quite liberating. It really depends on the situation and the Master.

For me, when I’m sad or depressed my libido suffers, my usually erotic thoughts dry up and I’m lucky if porn would make me wet. So the idea of serving sexually can sometimes be overwhelming, I mean who feels attractive when they have been crying for hours? But somehow my body reacts differently, to the sound of Masters voice. I’m not sure what it is but it’s like I’m hypnotized. I drift to this more calm state, which allows thought that would have made me cringe a moment ago seem not so impossible. It’s not the same level of reaction he would achieve if I wasn’t in this low place but the sound of his voice, the touch of his hand and suddenly things don’t seem as insurmountable and parts of my body that I thought would never come alive again decide they want to play.

Occasionally I will drift back into my head dragging out what made me depressed to begin with and they’re not always easy to push past. I’m sure when this happens I become a distant, and stop paying attention to what task I am supposed to be performing, but a tug on my hair, or a swat on my ass usually brings me back to the here and now.

Maybe that’s the key. Serving makes you live in the now, no past, no future, you have to focus on what is happening in the moment. In pushing everything aside you achieve what some people call “subspace” but what I feel is just a more meditative place that allows you to let go and surrender to either a person or to yourself.

Anyone can achieve it; it doesn’t have to be under sexual or bdsm circumstances. I’ve achieved this sensation alone in meditation, it’s a place where your mind slows down, and you surrender to just being. It’s incredibly peaceful, unfortunately it’s also difficult to achieve when you are wallowing in misery, that’s when it’s nice to have a Master who can ease you into that place without much coaxing. But that can also be a crutch and will eventually stop working. At some point it is up to you to pull yourself back from the edge, and find peace with what is plaguing you, so that you don’t slide back into the abyss.

Overwhelmed

I tilt my head back letting the water pour directly on my face and down my back. I run my hands through my wet hair. I was hoping the cold shower would help me calm down but it isn’t helping. I keep imagining Masters hands running over my naked body.

I reach for the soap and run soapy hands down my breasts, across my belly.I stop there knowing that if I move further south I will have a hard time controlling myself. My body is burning for Masters touch, his gaze, his attention. I stand back under the spray of the water rinsing myself off and try to redirect my mind to other things. I start making a list of all the things I need to do today, go to the dry cleaner, pick up something for dinner, fill up my gas tank…..beg and plead for Master to release my overwhelming desire. I sigh and shut off the water, knowing that no matter what I do it’s not going to help.

My nipples harden as I step out of the tub into the cool bathroom and reach for a towel. It’s been two weeks since I’ve been allowed to come. At first it wasn’t so difficult, I could distract myself with work, chores, immersing myself in one task or another to keep my mind at bay. But the more I know it’s not allowed the more I want it. The more I crave it. The ache between my legs grows fiercer by the day. I find myself squirming in my chair at work hoping that if I “accidentally” come that it won’t count as a betrayal, a blatant defiance to Master’s demands.

I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. I don’t know who I think I’m kidding, I couldn’t do that. I want to please Master. I need to please Master. I take great pride and pleasure in serving him. Sometimes it can be frustrating but in the end the pain and frustration are rewarded.

I wrap myself in a big fluffy pink robe and wander out to the bedroom to dress trying to think of other ways to distract myself. I stand before the closet trying to figure out what my day is going to be like so that I can figure out what to wear. My mind wanders and I stand there staring at nothing.

“Clothes don’t pick themselves” Master said from behind me.

I gave a little squeal and jumped. I had thought he left. I started to turn around but he grabbed my hair tightly and held me in place.

“Have you been a good girl?”

“Yes Sir.” I said

“Are you sure?” He asked “You were in the shower for a long time.” He pulled me back into his body holding me against him, his other hand untying the sash of my robe, his warm hand sliding over my breasts, his fingers rolling and teasing my nipples.

I whimpered sinking back into him. “I’m sure Master. It crossed my mind to disobey but I didn’t want to disappoint you Sir.”

“You would be disappointing yourself slave.” He said.

“Yes Sir, you’re right Sir.” I said softly, as I lost myself to the sensations his hand was creating in my already heated body.

His hand on my hair tightened as he pulled me upward so I was standing on tiptoe then he turned me and walked me over to the bed. He released me, half pushing, half throwing me so I was bent over the side of the bed. He raised the back of my robe exposing my ass to the cool air. The sting of his hand surprised me, I wasn’t anticipating a spanking and I jumped with surprise.

“Hold still slave” He said.

I tried to hold still as his hand came down hard again on my ass.I could feel the heat forming where his hand had struck me and tried hard not to wiggle. Master knows that spankings turn me on. There is something so naughty about spankings, being bent over, exposed and vulnerable. Every now and then his hand would strike me low his fingers slightly grazing my wetness. I had thought I was excited before but now I was so swollen it was almost painful, moisture was slowly running down my thighs and my breath was coming faster. If he continued I wasn’t sure what would happen. I had never come from being spanked before but then I had never been this aroused before.

Whimpering and groaning I buried my face in the bed. I was trying so hard to stay still but it was becoming more difficult. I was arching my back into his hand, wanting more, needing more. I was completely lost to the sensations.

I hadn’t realized he had stopped his assault until I felt him part my legs, and grab my hips as he impaled himself inside me. I screamed from the delicious sensations that went rippling through my body fogging my senses.

"I need to come Master” I gasped.

“Hold it slave.”

“I don’t know if I can, it’s too much, its been too long. Please Sir, please, I can’t hold back.” I begged.

Master grabbed my hair, “While your begging is nice, you will hold back.” He said harshly. “You are not a free woman, you are owned and you come when I tell you to come. Is that understood?” He asked as he continued to force himself in and out of me the sensations almost painful but I wanted more. I wanted him deeper, faster, harder.

Tears sliding down my cheeks I answered “Yes Master.” The sensations were becoming too intense I was losing my grip on reality and falling further into sensation. My body was betraying me overriding my will and I knew I couldn’t hold back any longer. As if he could sense my point of no return I heard in the distance “Now slave, come now.”

Time stood still as my body convulsed around him, shivers of ecstasy clouded my vision, the nerves in my body were so raw that every sensation seemed magnified tenfold. A simple touch left me whimpering and shaking uncontrollably. I was sobbing; my breath was coming in great big gasps. I felt completely raw and vulnerable, like a newborn experiencing the world outside the womb for the first time. It was too much.

I must have passed out or fallen asleep because when I became conscious again I was under the covers, my robe gone and Masters arms wrapped protectively around me. I reached up and touched his arm.

“Are you okay slave?” he asked.

“I think so Sir. I’m not sure what happened. I’m sorry I guess it was just too much, it overwhelmed me.”

“I think you need to be overwhelmed sometimes, being overwhelmed helps you. It forces you to be vulnerable, to face that fear. Your fear of losing control is held too tightly, you need loosen it and release the fear behind and surrender. I can expect surrender from you but I can’t force it from you. I will guide you, show you the path but you need to let go and you have to trust that I will be there to catch you if you need it.” He said.

The tears started running down my cheeks again as I thought about that for a while. He was right. It always amazes me that Master can get inside my head like that. I still have such a hard time with trust. I think that I trust but then when I really look at it I realize that deep down there is a fear that says that it’s an illusion. That to trust means getting hurt. I have always found it weird that Master seems to know what I needed before I do half the time, but I also feel very fortunate. I know I’m beginning to let go, that Masters patience and steady hand are guiding me down this dark scary path, I guess it’s now my job to pry my fingers off the safety line and truly let go and trust that he will be there to catch me if I stumble. I shivered and snuggled closer closing my eyes and sinking into the security of his arms, thinking I’ll get right on tha, tomorrow, my fingers were too raw from the rope being yanked out of my hands today. Maybe they will be too sore to grip it tomorrow.

Reunions

It was a long and amazing vacation. I saw amazing sights that blew my mind and despite the knowledge that I could share these moments through my camera with Master once I got home, I still had my moments of melancholy. It was bittersweet to be home, back to the day to day grind of work, instead of the laid back schedule I had kept for the last two weeks. While there are quite a few things that make me wish I was still away a reunion with Master definitely made me happy to be home.

I have always found that reunions after an absence can go one of two ways, either you find out that the separation was probably for the best, realizing that all the intimate fantasies you had while you were apart were just that fantasies and the thought of acting on them just isn't there once you are face to face. Or you rediscover what drew you to the other person to begin with. Your heart beats faster, and all those fantasies you had while you were away come to life.

My reunion with Master followed the second category. It was blissful to once again serve as Master's plaything, cock ornament and come slut. It was wonderful to feel his hands traveling over my body, spanking me, pinching my nipples or gently caressing my hip. His breath on my neck as he whispered in my ear, his fingers wrapped in my hair pulling it tight sent shivers down my spine. Taking him in my mouth, made me squirm and whimper with desire. Feeling him inside me was like a little slice of heaven on earth.

Am I happy to be home? Absolutely.