Broken Rules

I haven't been the best slave recently, I've broken one of my main rules (cursing) at least 3 times in the last 2 days. It's like my brain shut off and I can't stop myself. I do it, I realize I just messed up and I hope that Master didn't catch it. Of course he always does. I'm not sure what's going on, I know this is a hard rule for me but I'm usually not this bad. The other piece is that when I would slip up before I would acknowledge it and apologize immediately, now I cross my fingers that he didn't hear it. Whats up with that?

When I sit back and analyze it I get all in my head and get even more confused. Do I want to be punished? Am I unconsciously pushing a limit to see what happens? Is it truly just a slip up? Is there just a thing?

I don't know, I just know something has to change. I feel like I've been walking around with my head in the clouds. Maybe that's why its happening, I'm looking for grounding. Life has been quite chaotic (well more than usual) and my head has been spinning with questions I just don't have the answers to, or maybe I do and just don't want to listen to them.

Maybe these small acts of defiance are my subconscious mind seeking grounding. A way to get out of my head and back in my body. Or maybe I'm using it as a way to escape (not in a good way more in an avoidance way) what's going on in my head hoping that my "slip ups" will lead to physical punishment that will help me avoid my mental junk.

Or maybe I just think too much.

Masters Rules

I've been amazed at the differences in the rules that each slave has to follow. It really shows the different types of Masters out there. I tried to come up with a list of my rules, I'm sure I missed some, a lot of them come so natural at this point I may have overlooked them when trying to create the list. I apologize for any that are missing.

Orgasm Control

1. Ask permission before I can come, unless otherwise told.
2. If given a token for an orgasm report to Master when it was used and what I fantasized about.
3. Thank Master after I am allowed to come.

Use of Language

1. No cursing particularly use of the F word unless I am repeating back to him what he has told me to say.
   
2. Always refer to him as Master when he is inside me, in other situations I have the choice of calling him Sir.
3. Always use Sir or Master in the subject line of any e-mail that I send to Master.
4. Use words that Master finds appealing (e.g. say panties instead of underwear, pussy instead of the V-word)
5. When writing or speaking about our relationship make sure it's clear that Master does not ask for anything, he commands or tells me what to do. There is no question it is an order to be obeyed.
6. Be respectful when speaking to Master
7. I can ask for what I want in a respectful manner but it is up to Master whether or not he grants my request.
   

How to Keep Masters Property

1. Keep my toenails painted
   
2. Keep legs and underarms smooth, my pussy neatly trimmed, waxed or shaved (Many Master's prefer their slaves bare but since this was such an issue for me he negotiated this point...I struggle too much with the idea of looking like a prepubescent little girl- it just wigs me out)
   
3. In whatever task I am performing try to keep my body arched or in some flattering feminine pose.
4. Make sure my toes are always pointed when he is using me.

Misc Rules

1. Never touch Masters cock without permission.
2. Complete all assignments within the given time frame.
3. I am only allowed to play with pre-approved female playmates on my own.
   
4. Report to Master any sexual activity between his slave and her playmates
   
5. Obey all orders and remember my place.
6. Never remove my own collar, this is for Master to put on and remove at his discretion.