Forgiveness

Head thrown back, lips parted, body arched. My heart pounds, my breath coming in gasps. My thighs quiver, as my mind shatters overcome by the sensations wracking my body.

I sit up gasping, my heart pounding the dream was so real and so intense. They were getting more intense.  I look around, the dim light illuminating the sparse room.  Only furnished with a bed and a small bucket.  I am alone. I look at the door knowing it is locked.

My breathing has slowed. My nipples are still hard and straining for touch.  I look under the covers my eyes skimming my naked body down to the leather manacle circling my left ankle, a chain snaking under the covers and bolted to the wall.

I sigh, I hate not sleeping in his bed.  Its been 2 weeks of sleeping alone.  I long for his touch, his mouth on mine, even the sting of his crop. He's upset with me. I was willful and disobedient.  I've never been punished for so long.  I feel drops hitting my breasts and realize I am crying.  I feel my world shattering.  I don't know why I disobeyed.  It was like I couldn't stop myself.  He has always forgiven me in the past I hope he will this time.

Every day he comes to my door unlocks me ankle, attaches my leash to my collar and walks me to the bathroom.  I am allowed 20 minutes to shower and get ready. I am then led to the kitchen and fed, after which he drives me to work.  He hasn't spoken to me.  Won't look at me.  Work is torture. I put on a happy face for my co-workers but they know something is wrong but what can I tell them? I disobeyed and have been sleeping in the small basement room chained to the wall? I don't think so.

He picks me up, and when we get home he strips me and we have dinner.  I am then led back to my room where I am to stay until morning. I am not allowed to touch him and I have been instructed not to touch myself even though I am desperate to and its getting worse by the day.  The camera in the corner of the room reminds me he is watching.

I hear the key turn in the lock and look over at the door.  It slowly eases open. He stands there a moment.  He comes to me, unchains me, attaches my leash and we slowly walk out of the room.  He leads me upstairs but instead of going toward the bathroom he leads me to the playroom.  I stagger, and fall to my knees.  I look up at him, hope in my eyes.  He looks down at me with a sly smile.

"I think its time to end your torment and something tells me you won't be so quick to disobey again." he says as he takes my hand and lifts me to my feet leading me over to the swing in the corner.

                    to be continued......

Broken Rules

I haven't been the best slave recently, I've broken one of my main rules (cursing) at least 3 times in the last 2 days. It's like my brain shut off and I can't stop myself. I do it, I realize I just messed up and I hope that Master didn't catch it. Of course he always does. I'm not sure what's going on, I know this is a hard rule for me but I'm usually not this bad. The other piece is that when I would slip up before I would acknowledge it and apologize immediately, now I cross my fingers that he didn't hear it. Whats up with that?

When I sit back and analyze it I get all in my head and get even more confused. Do I want to be punished? Am I unconsciously pushing a limit to see what happens? Is it truly just a slip up? Is there just a thing?

I don't know, I just know something has to change. I feel like I've been walking around with my head in the clouds. Maybe that's why its happening, I'm looking for grounding. Life has been quite chaotic (well more than usual) and my head has been spinning with questions I just don't have the answers to, or maybe I do and just don't want to listen to them.

Maybe these small acts of defiance are my subconscious mind seeking grounding. A way to get out of my head and back in my body. Or maybe I'm using it as a way to escape (not in a good way more in an avoidance way) what's going on in my head hoping that my "slip ups" will lead to physical punishment that will help me avoid my mental junk.

Or maybe I just think too much.

A Public Apology to Master

I ask for your forgiveness for my disobedience Master. I try to be an obedient slave but it doesn't always work out that way. I guess it’s that strong willed inner core that I have, which I state as a reason but not an excuse for my behavior. As you often point out to me I am used to giving the orders but outside of work I answer to you, my Owner.

I know the rules; I’ve lived with them for a while so I can’t say I didn’t remember. Although my recent indiscretions were not intentionally willful, I broke the rules. My slips ups of cursing and forgetting to address you correctly as Master while you are inside me are offenses I continue to repeat. I know that your order of publicly disclosing my disobedience and the humiliation I feel having to share my misdeeds with the people who read my blog is your way of reminding me of who I am, who I belong to and who I serve.

Apparently I am having a hard time adhering to these rules, and forget my place too often. I understand that the offenses while minor in nature continue to be broken and a reprimand has not worked in the past so the punishment is harsher this time. I know that it is your right to correct my behavior however you see fit. I can't say I'm thrilled with any type of punishment I mean who likes to be punished? The best I can do is be accepting of my punishment, submit to your will and (hopefully) learn from it.

I am very sorry Master forgive me.

Your slave