Almost Perfect

I was tired, cold and crashing from a carbohydrate coma from stupidly believing yummy high carb foods would keep me going...duh not, now my body was crashing. I hadn't slept well the night before, my train this morning had run 1/2 hour late and then I spent 1 1/2 hour getting to my destination and then another half hour navigating the subway system of an unfamiliar city. I was definitely verging on cranky. I partially blame myself for deciding not to drive to see Master this time but with the holidays and the traffic a relaxing train ride sounded much better and despite the minor aggravations I still think it was the right decision.

Master and I had just gotten back from running some errands and while it was the middle of the day I just couldn't bring myself to not wander into the bedroom to lay down. I lay sideways across the foot of the bed and grabbed the paper I had just brought upstairs. I wasn't sure if we were staying or leaving right away. So while my first inclination was to undress, as Master prefers to keep me, I thought I had better stay clothed in case he wanted to leave right away. I didn't want him cranky by having to wait for me.

I lay on my stomach, up on my elbows, my knees bent, toes slightly pointed and kicked my legs slowly back and forth. Master wandered into the bedroom and gave me a funny look he can't understand why I don't lay on a bed the "normal" way. I can never seem to lay on a bed straight unless its time to sleep, and even then I have a hard time. I am always diagonal or sideways or some other ways. Sometimes my head is at the end of the bed, sometimes up by the pillows, and sometimes I am standing on the floor just leaning on the bed reading a book or a newspaper, using my laptop or whatever (I know its strange, I'm quirky and I'm okay with that.)

He shooed my feet out of the way and lay down with his head propped up against the pillows watching me. I looked up at him, quickly folded the paper back up and moved it to within his reach. Master put his hand on it and told me to strip. I wasn't sure if I was in trouble or not for not having already done this, but he didn't seem upset with me. My mind wavered between apologizing for not having already done this and just keeping quiet because sometimes I tend to over think things and that gets me in worse trouble. I opened my mouth to say something, then closed it again, made quick work of shedding my clothing and crawled back up on the bed next to him figuring this might be one of those times to stay silent.

I lay my head on Masters shoulder while he read the paper and absently stroked my back. It was wonderfully relaxing. We tried doing the crossword puzzle but got stumped half way through sometimes it's hard to come up with a four letter word for a sword that starts with an e, especially when your mind starts wandering toward other more vigorous activities. (Btw the answer would be epee)

Master put the paper down and gave my ass a few soft taps followed by a few more forceful slaps. The stinging pain quickly snapped me out of my drowsy half sleep, making parts of my body flush and take notice. I maneuvered my body sideways to better accommodate him. (I swear it had nothing to do with the fact that I really enjoy being spanked!) My ass was stinging within a few moments, each blow arousing me further and making me wince, twitch and whimper. I moved my head toward his lap hoping he would allow me to hold his cock in my mouth while he continued his assault upon my ass.

He seemed to be in an accommodating mood because I quickly found his warm flesh between my lips and halfway down my throat. I groaned in appreciation as I ran my tongue up and down while sliding him in and out of my mouth. My body was on fire and I was becoming lost to the sensations. Master grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled my head up leaving a trail of drool running down my chin.

"Come here." He said and pulled me down next to him my ass pressed against his hard cock. "Open your legs" he ordered and I quickly obeyed, helping him slide inside me making me whimper and press back taking him deeper inside my body. I was very aroused and wanted him to just take me hard and fast but of course Master had other plans.

He held me tightly against his body, only allowing the briefest of movement just making me feel. I shuddered, struggling to move closer, to drive him deeper, I wanted more. If I had been standing up I might have stamped my foot I was feeling like a petulant child not getting her way. I whimpered and pouted but he held me tight, whispering in my ear all that had just been done to me, all that he planned to do. I continued to struggle until his hand slipped up around my throat. Just holding me like that, not squeezing just a gentle grip on my throat and I instantly stilled, my mind quieted and I allowed him to guide me slowly.

"That's a good girl." He said. "Surrender. Who owns you?"

"You do Master." I whispered.

"That's right. And do you know what just happened to you?"

I shook my head no. My mind was still foggy with arousal and I was having a hard time trying to understand his questions.

"Were you told to strip?"

"Yes Master" I replied.

"Were you spanked?"

"Yes Master" My voice quivered. My arousal barely contained.

"Did you suck cock?"

"Yes Master."

"And now what is happening?"

"You are taking my body, using me for your enjoyment Master." I whimpered, my breath coming faster, my nipples tightening.

"That's right. So you were stripped, spanked, made to suck cock and then used."

I groaned and haltingly responded, "Yes Master, I was stripped, spanked, made to suck cock and used for your pleasure."

"Good girl." He said. "Would you like to come?"

"Yes Sir!" I practically shrieked, his slow methodical torture driving me mad.

"Not yet, I think you need to learn some more control."

A sob escaped my throat and I felt my anger flare. How dare he! I hated when he pulled this, taking me to the brink and then letting me simmer, or even worse denying me satisfaction. My arousal lessened as my anger took hold. I felt myself begin to struggle. Master must have felt it also because his grip on my throat tightened and I felt my anger slip away replaced by surrender.

"Watch that anger slave, you need to learn more control over your emotions. Now calm down or you will be denied."

"Yes Master" I whispered, slowing my breath, my anger still simmering in the back of my mind but I held it in check and released myself to Masters will.

"Good." He said, releasing his grip but keeping his hand where it was.

My desire began to grow again as his movements increased, thrusting deeper and harder inside me. He took me back to the brink again, holding me there. My breath coming faster, my mind trying hard to hold back, to hold still, to allow him to guide me. My body started quivering from the strain, sweat coating my body.

"Come for me." he whispered thrusting harder inside me.

It took me a moment for me to comprehend his words I was concentrating so hard on holding back. I relaxed my mind, and just let myself feel. Within moments I gasped and sobbed, my body arching backward, the slight pressure of his hand on my throat sending shivers down my spine, the thoughts of what he could do to me making it that much more erotic in my head. Tears ran down my cheeks, my body on fire. Master slowed, barely moving behind me while my body bucked and clenched around him.

I lay there in Masters arms, my emotions so raw I couldn't stop the tears.

"I'm sorry I'm such a brat Master. Thank you for being so good to me." I mumbled through my tears.

He grabbed my face and turned my face to look at him but I couldn't look him in the eye. I was ashamed of my behavior earlier.

"Look at me." He said forcefully.

I struggled to obey not wanted to be disobedient twice. I slowly raised my eyes to his. He looked at me, wiped a tear away with his fingers, and said "You are not a brat, you are a good slave. Are there times that you need to be reminded of your place? Yes, but you are too hard on yourself, I don't expect perfection. I know you struggle sometimes but ultimately you surrender. "

I just started at him, not knowing what to say, an inner war raging in my head. He was right I am hard on myself. I expect perfection and struggle when I don't achieve it. I don't know how to change that, its an ongoing process that I have seen small changes in but it is going very slowly and I'm not good with waiting.

"Thank you Master." I said because it was the only thing I could say. Anything else would have gotten me in trouble. The 'I'll try to be better' thoughts I kept to myself. He pinched my nose and let go of my face. I turned away, snuggled back into him, and gave in to my exhaustion.

Where it all began

People have asked me how I was introduced to the world of BDSM and I usually give the vague reply of "an old boyfriend introduced me to it but that turned out bad." I realize that by sharing my experience I may help someone else get out of a similar situation before it gets as bad as mine did or even worse.

Older boys always held a fascination for me. I didn’t like the boys my age they seemed stupid and mindless. I think what I was attracted to was that older boys felt they knew everything and expected you to bow to their will. There was something appealing about that. I wish I had had a name for what it was I was looking for back then maybe I wouldn’t have gotten myself in so much trouble. It was the old story, boy meets girl, girl falls for boy and wants to please him, boy turns out to be crazy.

Its always interesting learning about how other people wandered into this life. For so many it seems it’s a conscious choice, they decide to seek it out, they bring different elements of it into the bedroom and it blossoms from there. I can’t even say for sure how it happened to me. I thought I was dating this great guy and it was a very vanilla relationship but somewhere along the way something shifted. It was a gradual process and I went along with it. There was no discussion about what we were doing; there was no name for it in my vocabulary. It started out subtle; he started telling me what to wear, he would feed me, sex got a little kinkier, blindfolds, mild bondage, a little slap on the ass here and there and without even realizing it on my part he began training me to come on command.

I lost most of my friends out of simple neglect. I didn’t have time for them; he always had something planned that they weren’t invited to. We started meeting other people whose relationships were similar to ours. So to me it seemed normal and I didn’t understand why so many of my old friends thought our relationship was weird. I just figured that our relationship was different because he was older than me. I took his dominance of me as a sign of wanting to take care of me, boy was I was really off on that one.

I was his property; I had no say in anything by the end, which may have been fine if he had cared about his property at all. He would feed me, dress me, tell me what I could and couldn’t do, and with the exception of school I was to be available to him at all times. If I displeased him (which was often) I would be flogged, slapped, kicked and/or forced to sleep on the floor chained to the leg of the bed usually while he had sex with someone else. To a hormonal teenager who thought she was in love this was the ultimate pain.

I was only 16 when we met and 19 when I left, he was in his 20's. He had my self esteem wound around his finger and made me so dependent on him I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I would do anything and put up with anything. He loved to share me with others, humiliate me in public, both verbally and physically, and one of his favorite games was to sneak up on me and choke me until I passed out just to watch me struggle and when I came to he would do it again. We had no safe words, there were no vanilla moments this was life 24/7.

Maybe this doesn’t seem so extreme to some people but I’ve come to realize the difference between what I want/have now with Master and what I didn’t have then. I did not knowingly enter into that relationship, I didn’t find any sense of fulfillment or freedom in my slavery, all I felt was despair, a desperate need to please and a fear of what would happen if I didn’t. I was like a drug addict and he was my fix, leaving was one of the hardest and most empowering things I have ever done. I needed the help of friends to get through it. It was actually another Dom who packed my stuff, removed me from the situation, set me on a path of healing and kept me from crawling back. I will always be indebted to him. He saved my life.

I realize now that this was not M/s this was abuse, but the seeds of the M/s relationship were planted and though I used to struggle with my desires thinking I would somehow wind up where I was before, now I embrace these desires and know that I can have this in a healthy way. Master has shown me that. It took a long time and it was hard to wander back into this world, but I’m a different person now than I was back then and I’m happy I did. A collar doesn’t have to mean fear; it can mean freedom as well.