The other L word

Being bound, blindfolded, whipped, cropped, slapped, spanked, choked, photographed naked, or video taped, doesn’t frighten me half as much as the other L word. You know the one; it starts with an L and ends with an e. Even the thought of it makes me quake in my shoes and want to run and hide.

I’m a basket case when it comes to relationships. I try to learn from my past mistakes and I think the last few years have been monumental in my growth but it’s frightening to think that I will get it wrong again. But really what will happen if I do? I’ve learned from the past that I will not disappear, I may fall apart for a bit but I always dust myself off and move forward…the problem is I tend to keep moving forward with the same type of people and need to break the pattern. I keep thinking the next one will be different but then blam something happens and I realize I'm still dating the same person just in a different package. See that is the rational me talking, the brain, the heart is a completely different matter. The heart sits and says “uh uh, no way are you going to get hurt again, I’m going to build this wall here and hide behind it”.

See my heart likes to think it’s in control…sort of like me. I know there are some things in life that we can’t control but that doesn’t mean I don’t still try. I’m a control freak remember? Of course I also question my judgment when it comes to relationships. I’ve been burned so many times it’s scary to let go, relax and just see where life takes me. I have to say Master is extremely patient with me in this regard, he gets this rational tone to his voice and makes it all seem so easy, so clear. Then I hang up the phone and two minutes later I’m in my head again.

My relationship with Master is probably the healthiest one I’ve been in so far. (Which by its very nature may sound absurd but it's true). His personality is much different than anyone else I've been involved with and I think I knew that this relationship would be different and that’s why Master scared me so much when we first met. It freaked me out so badly that I had to back off for a time. Now that I’ve opened myself up again I’m still scared but it’s not the all consuming scariness that I had before.

Before I get tons of e-mail on this let me state that I’m not worried he is going to hurt me physically (at least not on purpose) or anything like that. He gets in my head, and sees me, I find myself opening up in ways that I’ve never done before and that can be terrifying. So its not that I’m really scared of him personally it’s more that I’m scared of him breaching the carefully constructed wall around my heart, leaving it crumbling and me vulnerable. I can sense the cracks in the foundation and I guess this is life deciding it is time to teach me a new lesson about submission. Learning to let go and enjoying the ride, wherever it takes me. Wish me luck.

D/s v. M/s

This is such a big topic that I know I might get myself in trouble over it but I will try to only speak for myself. Let me preface this by saying I pass no judgment on anyone else’s relationships and honestly these feelings and definitions are my own, if yours differ that’s great but please don’t tell me I’m wrong. We just may have a difference of opinion.

I’ve been asked what the difference is between D/s and M/s relationships and since the definitions of these relationships vary so much it’s hard to clearly pinpoint a definition that will be universally accepted. In my opinion D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationships are very similar to M/s (Master/slave) relationships in that one partner is in control and exercises their power over the other. The difference to me stems from the level of submission and to some extent the commitment.

I know there are people in long term relationships who are D/s and will take offense to that last comment. I’m not stating that people in D/s relationships are any less committed to each other I’m referring more to a commitment to the level of the D/s relationship. I’ve found M/s relationships to be much more intense, extending over into daily life while many D/s relationships only travel as far as the bedroom. The sub usually has some level of control where a slave gives that up and only has as much control as their Master allows. I know these are generalizations but I’m treading on thin ice anyway and probably should have just e-mailed this instead of posting it but its not the first time I’ve been asked.

Many M/s relationships that I know are 24/7 or at the very least in RT, but not all. I know there are people out there that write and talk about online M/s relationships but I'm not sure how that would work, I would find it incredibly difficult to commit to the level of submission required of a slave when I only spoke to someone online. For me this just wouldn't work. It would be too tempting to act out or just do what I want knowing that the chances of me being caught were nil. I need a firm hand to keep me in line and there is just no way someone would be able to accomplish that online, or even long distance. As it is, I sometimes find myself struggling to behave with the short distance between where Master and I live. I can’t imagine being several states away and only seeing each other a few times a year. But that’s just me.

I think another distinction I see between D/s and M/s relationships is the obvious, in one the Dominant partner has a submissive but in the other they have property. That’s a big distinction in my head. It’s a different mindset to think of yourself as submissive as opposed to thinking of yourself as property. One is a complete letting go while the other retains some control.

Given my own internal definitions of the D/s and M/s relationships and my struggles in the past I'm often asked why I chose to enter into another M/s relationship instead of a D/s relationship. I guess I would have to say that when I commit to doing something I can’t just do it half way. I am just too strong willed and dominant in too many ways to only consider being submissive. When I’m just Dominated I feel more control and that’s when I tend to flip things, when I feel Owned I know I can’t get away with it.

So there is my attempt at answering a heated topic. Please remember this is my way of thinking, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and definitions. This is a very varied community and I mean no disrespect to anyone. Just as the rules of Masters vary so do definitions that define our relationships. I was asked about definitions, so I have given it.

I don’t feel my relationship is any better or worse or that I’m more of a sub or slave than anyone else, that’s petty. This is just how my world operates, if yours operates differently and you are happy and confident in your relationship whatever form it takes I say good for you I support you in whatever makes you happy. We are all in this lifestyle together and there is no room for judgment.