The Trouble With Sexperts

I was browsing through a book the other day and came across this headline: Light kink is sexy, Heavy kink is not....which got me thinking (a dangerous hobby I know).

First I wasn't sure what light kink was compared to heavy kink in the authors mind because it really differs. The author believes that "Once you go beyond anal sex, tie and tease, and fantasy S&M games -which are more about costumes than implements of torture - it isn't about sex anymore." She further went on to state that practitioners of "heavy kink" are troubled people who have negative views of sex and that if S&M play is more than occasional and leaves marks the participants need to seek help.

Wow. I was stunned. This is a woman who wrote a book about kink but doesn't seem to understand it. I guess I fall under her category of sick people who need help because my play sometimes does leave marks, and for me slavery is a mindset that goes beyond sex and the bedroom. Funny though I don't view sex negatively, I see it as something wonderful, passionate, erotic and fun.

I wasn't quite sure I understood her comment about implements of torture either. Who sets the standards of what are considered implements of torture and what are considered acceptable kink paraphernalia. I guess rope, blindfolds, cuffs, feathers, corsets and leather are okay but is a whip too much? A cane? A crop? What about nipple clamps, ball gags, anal hooks where do we draw the line?

I admit that some people's kink goes beyond what I would consider sexy, arousing, erotic and even in some cases sane but if they are happy, functioning adults I say let them be. There are too many unhappy dysfunctional people out there, if two consenting people find something that turns them on, is legal, makes them happy and doesn't interfere directly with other peoples lives why should it matter what they do? Should we stand up and tell them they are dysfunctional and need help? Isn't this the same thing that many are doing to gay and lesbians around the country and around the world? They don't understand so they label it wrong and sick, create laws against it and say they need help. Scary.

The author further goes on to state that those who are "heavily" involved in bdsm do not have wild, passionate, out of control sex. I had to laugh at this one because according to her broad definition of "heavy" kinksters, I fit this category and my sex life is pretty passionate, and has been known to be "out of control". So I'm not sure whose bedroom she is peaking in but she needs to find some new friends.

She compared those into "heavy" kink to fundamentalist Christians because of their rigid adherence to rules. Okay I'm not in total agreement with this statement but I can understand where she got this perception. I've run across people who had more rules than I could wrap my head around and lived by a strict set of guidelines but I'm not sure they would consider themselves so rigid they were unadventurous and that their sex was so choreographed that it was passionless and rigid. (Where do people come up with this stuff!)

It makes me sad that people continue to perpetuate the idea that bdsm is dysfunctional and sick. Books like this that seem to promote kink as something normal and okay but have a very judgemental view on what is acceptable and what is not. In reading the different stories you can feel the authors judgement of some of the people she interviewed. She is touted as a renowned sex author but I guess you need to fit into her mold in order to be considered "healthy". Oh she brings to light many different fun stories but there is this underlying tone that made me shiver and not in a good way!

Just the simple letters bdsm strikes outrage in so many. They can't fathom that functional people can be into it. They see it as a fringe society where we dress goth all the time and don't live normal lives. They can't fathom that the stay at home soccer mom likes to be spanked, called a slut and made to crawl, or that the male executive down the hall likes to be mastered by a Domme, who sodomizes him and makes him lick her boots, or that grandmother playing at the park with her grandchildren might owned and spends her nights collared on her knees with a cock down her throat. To so many, bdsm is relegated to back room sex clubs where naughty perverted sex addicts abuse each other, it isn't something "normal" people do.

When I come across books like this I am happy that there are blogs and other material out there that sheds a more positive light on bdsm. That in our own ways we are helping to dispel the myths that surround bdsm. There are always the crazy few that make their way into the headlines and shed a negative light on anything but as more of us speak we are hopefully creating more understanding. I'm not trying to say that kink is the only way, and everyone should drop their vanilla ways, but my hope is to shed some light on it and hopefully promote more understanding so that it doesn't continue to be labeled as sick, dysfunctional and abusive anymore.

Discipline can be Erotic

Discipline can be very erotic. It has such a negative connotation but sometimes it’s almost like positive reinforcement. Master often mixes the correct behavior in with a discipline that turns me on and I often find the experiences to be quite arousing.

For instance I am still having some trouble with my verbal communication skills. I will get so wrapped up that I forget to verbally respond to Master and just shake my head yes or no. This was a recurring problem this past weekend and seemed only to be an issue when Master was filling my mouth with his cock. I'm not allowed to answer with words, just a sort of "mmhmm"(yes) or "mmm mm" (no). But the other day it was like I was mute.

We were lying in bed, Master was watching the news and I was curled up next to him, his cock in my mouth and he was asking me something. I responded by shaking my head which didn't please him, so he decided I needed a spanking. In between the stinging slaps on my ass Master would reach down and spread my pussy, exposing me, making me embarrassed and aroused at the same time. Sometimes he would just hold me like that, other times he would open me and gaze at my exposed pussy making me squirm. You’d think I’d be over this by now, I mean geez its not like he hasn’t seen my pussy before, I don’t know why this is so different, maybe because it seems so naughty and vulnerable. Either way it makes me wet. I was ordered to continue to suck cock while he spanked and exposed me, asking me questions about this or that, making sure I answered correctly even though I had my mouth full.

I love being spanked and this spanking was particularly hard making it that much more arousing and erotic to me. I'm sure my squirms, wiggles and moans were spurring the slaps to be harder, although Master was in a much more intense mood the other day and everything seemed harder, deeper, and rougher, it was heavenly but that’s a different topic.

When he felt I had learned my lesson he made me sit up, and look at him, which was hard to do because I was so embarrassed by how turned on I was by the whole thing (its one of those weird internal voices that says its got to be wrong to be that turned on by what just happened). Then he had me explain what I had just learned and what was expected of me.

It was in this discussion that I found the key that will ensure my compliance, understanding. If a rule makes sense to me its easier to follow. Not all rules make sense all the time, but this one finally did! I'm not sure how I missed it before but I’m glad I picked it up through my hazy fog of desire. Master loves to hear me moan and mumble when my mouth is full, it turns him on. Duh! Now why didn't I realize that to begin with? Sometimes I can be a little ditzy. Having this knowledge makes me more conscious of answering now, because I love turning him on. I still might get lost in the moment but I think it’s now more a part of my subconscious because it makes sense and allows me to please him which is always my goal.

After our discussion he held me, while I buried my head in his shoulder, still feeling a bit embarrassed by my reaction. Master had his arms wrapped around me, his cool hands softly stroking my burning flesh, arousing me even further, setting the rest of me on fire. Eventually, when it pleased him, he doused the flames allowing me to come in a shudder of ecstasy.