What do you find is the most difficult part of being a slave?

I took this question off one of the Fetlife boards because it intrigued me and I wanted to explore it.

For me it's trust, I’ve written plenty about my challenge with trust but that is such an all encompassing term that covers so much. When I break it down there are different things that I trust without question and others that I struggle with.

What I trust is:

1. I trust that Master will not physically hurt me on purpose, accidents do happen though.
2. I trust that Master will not share photos or information about me that could jeopardize my career.
3. I trust that Master will not judge me by any emotions that I have regarding our relationship.
4. I trust Master to not force me into a situation that could be dangerous.
5. I trust Master not to purposefully hurt me emotionally, in other words, he may do something that hurts me emotionally but I trust that he didn't do it intentionally to cause me pain and that there is some remorse for what I am experiencing.
   
6. I trust that Master will be there for me if I need him.

What I am struggling with is:

1. Complete transparency, I’m used to hiding things out of fear of judgment or rejection.
2. Sharing my emotions with Master immediately out of fear of rejection or loss
3. Asking for what I want – Sometimes I feel that by asking I’m being a selfish slave but I know that Master can’t read my mind so in order to get what I want I need to ask, otherwise I get moody when he hasn’t figured it out. Once I ask I know that I put the decision of fulfilling my wish in my Owners hands.
4. Letting go of insecurities – that would be so healthy it’s scary.

I realize #3 on the top list and #2 on the bottom seem to contradict each other and I’ve sat here and tried to write about what I feel are the differences but I can’t get it to make the same sense on paper as it does in my head. I think the bottom line is just because you don’t judge someone by how they are feeling doesn’t mean that your reaction to those emotions won’t prompt you to make choices that may lead to loss or rejection. I think that’s as clear as I can possibly make it.

Separation Anxiety

Let me clarify that Master and I don't live together, our homes are about 2 hours apart (less if you drive like I do) but work and other responsibilities limit seeing each other to weekends. I really struggled with this post, wasn't sure if I was going to share it because it brought up so much emotion. I talked about it with Master and he said I didn't have to but I think I will.

Leaving Masters side can be added to the list of tasks that are challenging for me. I know that I will return, and that it won’t be long before I see him again but it’s hard to leave the comfort and strength of his presence. It isn’t about sex, well its not only about sex, the sex is fabulous but I’m talking more about an emotional thing. I find that when I’m with Master my two halves mesh and become one; the executive, fearless and in control and the submissive slut who wants nothing more than to please.

It’s actually a little terrifying to feel that free. I’m not good with trust and opening up to people, not that I believe many people are. I think we all have our shit. So feeling everything balance out is scary for me, and then my insecurities pop up because in my warped head nothing can feel this easy.

I wish I could say that I don’t hold back emotionally at all when I’m with Master but it wouldn’t be the truth. Compartmentalizing my emotions is second nature, although it does get harder to hold back. He owns my body, he sees into my soul and he is chipping away at pieces that I thought would never see light again. I find things spilling out whether here, in e-mails or spoken that are hard for me to look at or express. They leave me feeling embarrassed, relieved, wanton, worried, terrified and free all at the same time. Reading this I’m surprised I don’t run as fast as I can in the other direction. Instead I feel compelled not only to stay but to offer myself to him in submission.

There is something about my relationship with Master that allows me to strive to be more whole, more authentic, not for him, although it ultimately does benefit him, but for me. As I feel more whole I have more to give because I’m more secure and there isn’t as much emotional garbage in my way. I know that when we are apart he is still there for me and only a phone call away so it shouldn’t be difficult to leave but it still is, but that’s just more of my shit coming up.

Well, at least some of it is, trust issues with men pop up continually through my past so its not surprising they would surface in my relationship with Master, but at least I know that and see it for what it is, acknowledge it and move forward, as to the rest, well I can’t say it wouldn’t be nice after a long hard day to be able to feel his hand tightly wound in my hair pushing my head in his lap and telling me to “get to work”, or just curling up in his arms with a collar around my neck after a good spanking to watch TV or read.